the time bomb

i remember i was in 8th grade
ready to take my track picture
and my phone suddenly rings
to leave school and go home.

i didn't know what was going on
my parents rushed to get into the car
i confusing ate and waited
expecting no answer.

[i honestly didn't care.]

my grandma who meant alot to us,
was diagnoised with cancer.
cancer. CANCER. [even seeing the word scares me]
pancreatic cancer is one of the deadliest ones yet.



"hello?" my dad answers his phone. "...what?" his voice turns shaky. "oh.... ok bye." my sister and i sat quietly in the back seat waiting for the news.

"apho..." his voice cracks. i've never seen my dad so sad before. "they're going to pull the plug on apho tonight at six." and he breaks out crying. my sister is crying silently next to me, and all i did was eat my speghetti. How selfish was I? I was thinking about missing the track photos. Suddenly my hands start to shake, everyone is crying. my speghetti sauce was growing soggy. i didn't like to see my family cry.

the day started out to be sunny and beautiful, a typical april day. Once arrived at new york [where the hospital was] the rain was pouring harshly. Umbrellas flipped and people were soaked. could this day get any worse?

then it suddenly hit me. my grandma was going to die. MY GRANDMA WAS GOING TO DIE. she's not a typical grandma, buying cookies and handing us money. She gave my three sisters and i the best love there ever was. She watch us grow up, and loved us like nobody else did. my grandma sang to us, cooked our favorite foods, taught us our culture, supported us, and was with us the whole way.

"christina, apho will be at your 8th grade graduation, okay? you will play your violin for me and i will watch to also graduate chinese school." she would then hug me and resume her daily errands. you're two months early, apho. you were two months too early to leave.

We then arrive at the hospital, and i feel hungry. my emotions weren't kicking in yet. I only teared a little in the car. I honestly had no idea how to feel. I never had someone DIE in my life before. We walk to the section of the hospital titled "INTENSIVE CARE UNIT" my stomach literally does a somersault. I didn't even want to see her anymore.

Before we entered the room, it was required that we put on gloves, masks, and uniform ourselves. Unfortunately, cancer is a contagious disease? it's not like we were going to see an untamed animal or something...

The blue curtain is pulled, and i see my grandma. first time in almost three days. Three days before, she would open her eyes, and talk to us. I was never aware of how much pain she was going through. A tube was placed down her throat, and in her nose. Her stomach was bloated and huge. The cancer was growing by the second. the moment i saw her, all of my feelings changed. I kneeled on the floor, crying, sobbing, praying it wasn't true. The image was just a nightmare. I wanted to run outside, away from her, but i needed to be with her. The wetness on my face never seemed to run out. One of my sisters were cussing at the doctors, furious of what luck we had. I already missed my grandma then.

the feeling of hopelessness had already sunken in deep into my soul...

relatives from ohio, canada, and my mom's side were there. My grandma's room was crowded when the time came. The doctor squeezed through everyone and started the procedure. I wanted all my cousins, uncles, and everyone else to leave the room. I wanted only my parents, my sisters and i there. We meant the most to my grandma, and she meant the most to us. You people never cared for her. You never even bothered to ever call her. ever. and all she did was love you.

"it's okay, christina, she's going to a better place now. she'll be happy and painfree." I hated when they said that. How the hell do you know she'll be in a better place? How can she happy without us being there? Just stop saying that, please. It only makes me feel even worse.

the doctor leaves the room, closing the door shut behind him. There were other dying people around. they probably didn't want to be reminded they were going to die soon also.

98,47,39,60,65 the heart machine numbers ran on my grandma's will to live now. She was fighting to stay alive on her own.

"I will go to a good college, apho, don't worry. I'll cook the fried rice you taught me how to make. I'll make you proud." my lips trembled as i whispered in her ear. I hold her cold hands, and look at her pale, yellow face. the numbers increased abruptly.

79,82,31,45,75 everyone was telling their goodbyes. goodbyes. goodbye apho. the numbers increased, then decreased. She could hear us. She wanted to stay with us.

34,25,16,8,10 the screams and cries to God obviously wasn't enough. The sad part was that she had to leave.

2,9,4,7,2,6,1 the long beep was the end. The rollercoaster of cries was terminated. She was gone. I run to the trash can and gag. My eyesight blurs.

It's over. She's gone.