I always knew the sky was my friend; he kindly stopped raining when ever I forgot my umbrella. He liked to give me sunshine hugs, and we would lie like that together for all the lazy golden syrup afternoon. Sometimes, when he was in a good mood, and only ever if I asked very nicely, he would give me rainbow to enjoy.
I remember one day, walking to school with my friend Dimitri and thinking how very nice it would be if there was a rainbow right then. And so I asked, I asked my friend the sky. Dimitri laughed and shook his head and said that I was crazy. But I looked around and found my rainbow, lurking behind a building that was tickling my friends belly and I pointed it out to Dimitri and he went quiet.
I think that is when he first believed the sky and I were truly friends.
I dream too, about the sky, and in every dream I am able to fly. Because he likes me. I run and run and then I don’t, because I have begun to soar. But none of my human friends can join me, they all just look up and stare as I flip through the air, not that they seem to mind. I float down to Dimitri and try to take his hand, but he moves it away and gives me a sad look, he can not follow where I go, he is to firmly rooted to the ground.
At school we play this game. I am the mighty sky priestess and I sit high in my throne up a tree; as close as it is possible to get to my friend the sky. There are two groups of people, there are my servants and there are the sky hurters. The sky hurters throw rocks at the sky and then run and my servants chase them and have to capture them and bring them to me so I might punish them before my friend.
Dimitri is always a sky hurter, because he says it is a lot of fun, to throw rocks and run, and also cause he knows the sky will never really be angry with him. He is my friend, and my human friends can be sort of friends with the sky, because I can ask the sky nicely, and if I am kind, hopefully he will comply.
“Lani, Lani, we caught you one” my servants call and I look down and they have Dimitri. I say
“Sky hurter! Come up here and explain yourself, explain these crimes you commit against my friend, whatever did he do to you?” And Dimitri shakes his head, even in real life he is rooted to the ground, he never could stand heights.
I sigh; I must climb down to sentence my friend. I follow the same route I always do in getting down, but the tree has changed its branches round and I slip and for a moment I think the sky will let me soar, but turns out mother earth wants me more. She crushes me to her breast so hard I can not breathe.
Hospitals are very white and loud, and there is something poking me in the chest. Every time I try to breath, it tears a little at me, and tears leak from my eyes. All around me people are yelling and machines are screeching, but it is like they are behind a cloud because I can not hear exactly what they say, except for Dimitri, he is clear.
He has crying caught in his throat and rain on his face, which I think is weird, because it is sunny out side.
“Please be okay Lani, please be okay” he is whispering to himself and I try to smile and say I will be fine but my mouth doesn’t work and there is no air to breath, so I fall asleep instead and everything is black and silent.
I dream a dream that I am flying, once again in my friend the sky, and Dimitri is standing on the ground.
“Dimitri! Dimitri! Come join me” I call and he shakes his head
“I can’t Lani, see” he points to his feet and I see two green lady’s hands holding him to the ground “She won’t let me go”
I float down and I pull at his hand and he pulls at me, like he wants to come so badly. He is crying all over, from his eyes, down his cheeks, even little tears crawl their way out of his wrists, his heart is blue from crying. Tears drip on the green lady’s hand but still she refuses to let him go.
“Lani! Lani! Don’t leave me” he calls “take me with you please” I smile and laugh
“Silly Dimitri, you don’t even like heights anyway” I let go of his hand “You stay there Dimitri, you never minded before” I float myself up into my friend the sky “I’ll see you tomorrow at school okay?” And the sky wraps me in a sunshine hugs that feels like it will last forever.
And Dimitri’s tears fall one by one on to the green lady’s hands, but she still won’t let him go. I fly with my friend the sky alone.
Author notes
This is a very first draft and I would really like lots of feedback on it please, improving it feedback if possible.
Option 8
A contest entry
- Fandi Contest I - Options by Asfand.
225 points, ended July 10, 2007, 42 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments please - spelling, grammer, tone, characters and their voice, themes, storyline.
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Wow, this is a very interesting write. It was very good at portraying this story through the eyes of a young girl, I didn't get the real story behind her imagination until the end, but I think I'm just slow today
I liked this, the whole idea of it was well thought up and original. It's a sad but nice story, me likes them
I suggest giving a little more description but apart from that, excellent write!
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I really don't get it...
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Wow
this was very nice. You had some great description here. -
.thats was a very darling and cute story.....it reminds of adolescnence something nature is constantly whipping me off.......tsk tsk,.......anyhoo..this was cute and lovable!!
Criticism
there were a couple of grammatical erorrs.......i liked the dialogue..and well....this was soooooooo interesting and cute......
gud job!!
cheers and gud luk!!!
Thnx for entering!!! -
"And" and "But" should not start sentences if the sentence makes sense without it or unless it falls within dialogue. "Because" should also not begin a sentence.
At school we play this game. I am the mighty sky priestess and I sit high in my throne up a tree, as close as it is possible to get to my friend the sky
since you are actually describing the game a ; should be used instead of a . after game.
There are a bunch of punctuation mistakes, if you take a look at the columns I wrote (not sure but I'm guessing there are more here too ) it mightgive you a heads up on the punctuation. Good luck with this it's a damn good story. -
i like this story very much, it was really good, it made the reader really have to think about what you were saying, it made me feel a bit floaty myself
if that makes sense. anyways, keep it up, its very very good.
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This was very bizarre, but in a good way. I am a big fan of stories that play around with the environment in such a way.
Lani is a very strange and innocent character, but I must admit, is she bonkers in the head? or was the sky really doing her bidding.
I liked the struggle between mother earth and the sky, and how Lani was crushed because mother earth wants her more. Rings true with how were are all like prisoners to gravity and earth, and cannot simply soar in the sky as we please.
Good write. Message me with my one question there. I want your take on what you were thinking on this before I pass any more judgement
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This is little bit awkward but I like it. That is cool that you the sky is called Father sky.
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wonderful. lovely. Mother Earth and the Sky. Someone told me the sky is called Father Sky
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LOVELY STORY. WONDERFFUL DETAILS. I
it
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Beautiful, like a sort of musical language.
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very cool
fantastic story...i really loved this ...keep writing and thinking! thanks for a great read! zuni
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i really like this, especially the first paragraph, about sunshine hugs.
btw, in the 10th paragraph, 2nd line, i think 'breath' should be 'breathe.' -
I loved this story! I played games like this when I was a kid an I'm still a proud tree hugger! There was one point in the story where I just got this feeling someone was going to die. I looked at the computer screen and said, "Oh no." Then when Lani fell I actually got a shiver. As for suggestions I think the comment below pretty much covers it but in all this has a very nice little story line. I'd like to see a wee bit more imagery because nature has all sorts of neat colours and shapes you can use. The first paragraph has nice imagery. (Sunshine hugs and lazy golden syrup)I'd really like to read the second draft when it's done.
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The beginning is interesting enough to get me to read more to learn more about the character.
The story about the school game is good.
The hospital with her friend there is an abrupt change in tone and location and not terribly realistic that the kid would be there. It jars the reader out of the word you are trying to create. The end is just so-so. I'm not sure I like the use of "I"-it's OK, but if you want that to work you need whatever she sees, says, does etc...to tell me even more about the world and the people in it.
After reading I should know a lot more than I do about the characters and the world.beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 2, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 1.
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Thanks very much for your input, when I have the time to go over my story I will be making great use of the suggestions you have given me
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