i am done

dear john,
i get the feeling i'm never going to talk to you again unless it's by my own initiative at 3am when i'm drunk off my tits and feeling sorry for myself. and i don't want to do that. there are some things i need to say to you that i'll never get the chance to now, but if i don't at least get them out here they will weigh on my mind, repeating themselves endlessly until i self destruct.
i like you and that fact is shitting me up the wall like you would not believe. one, because i know you are bad for me. fucked up people attract fucked up people so it's no surprise we are both alcoholics, or so screwed up about ourselves and love. not only that, you are in love with your girlfriend, who you broke up with four months ago when she went overseas. and so i have been the replacment vagina for the last month.
fiona. fiona, fiona, fiona. all i know of her is she is my age and you two were together for just five months before she left. but you love her. "i love my girlfriend", this is all i remember from the first night we fucked. and i fucked you anyway. you piss me off because i piss me off. the things i've done and the way i feel about you is so fucking stupid.
i mean, what the flying fuck am i doing? why should i give a fuck about i guy who can't even get it up unless he's getting a head job? or one who hasn't even got me off? or one who doesn't fucking invite me out anywhere? one who doesn't even give a fuck about me? i can guess. and my guess is that somewhere subconsciously i love self-sabotage. i love getting fucked over. i love knowing exactly what im getting myself into, yet hoping for the hopeless, hoping for the best and then getting the worst possible senario possible.
you love her. i am your whore. the end.
that's how it is and i should accept it. but i don't fucking want to. in spite of knowing the dangers, of seeing the consequences, of hearing all the fucking advice in the world, i still like you. and what a fucking idiot i am.
i can't even cry because im too dehydrated. you tell me AA will do nothing for me. at least im fucking trying to get better! you're not. and you won't ever. and you tell me i don't know who are and that if i ever know i won't like it. how the fuck would you know? i don't like you only because this hurts like you wouldn't believe! everything else, i like so much it hurts. and that makes me feel so pathetic. the words on your wall could have come straight from my mouth, only i know i'd never say them as i have perfected the art of appearing like a normal human being.
with boys i am such a girl. i get all giggly and needy and all this fucking bullshit. i don't need it and i don't want it and i do my best not to show it but i'm sure it comes out in some ways.
i hate you i hate you i hate you. i'm going to regret you for some time, i know it. i'm going to go asexual again becuase of you. so i shouldn't have fucked you so soon, i shouldn't have given in and given you head, i shouldn't have called you at 3am when i was wasted, i shouldn't have forgotton the entirety of our last conversation due to the copious amount of alcohol consumed. but i did.
and it annoys me that i question myself because of you. this is it man, im done. im not going to try anymore. why should i? if i'm not wanted then i should just get over it. but that's just so fucking easy in theory. i can forget. but it will come out other ways. as always. there is not enough alcohol in the world to forget all the things i've done and slash or fucked up. i'm done, i'm done, i'm done.
and it's all your fault.
john, i plan to forget you now. just to lie to myself so sincerely that i am completely unaware of my feelings for you. it's possible, and i will succeed. have before, and will again.
I HATE YOU.
thank you for being another fucking one to fuck me sideways.
and not even in the good way.
that is all.
goodbye.