She stood in front of a mirror, looking at herself. She sighed and closed her eyes. Taking a step back, she imgained her graduation night. But even more than that, she imagined him. She whispered something that she wanted to tell him, but she knew she never could. "I love you."
That was right before she turned around, realizing that was a week ago. She was standing there, directly in front of him. She wasn't going to tell him what she'd practice. He was with another girl. But something tugged at her heart, and she knew she had to tell him. She told him with tears in her eyes, "I love you, you idiot."
She turned and ran for her house, where she could spend the rest of the night crying. She'd never see him again, considering he was going to some other school and there was a long summer inbetween. Nothing would ever happen between them. And she hated that.
Author notes
I don't know what to say about this story, really. I mean, beside the fact that it's not true--or at least, I hope it isn't--I don't know.
Note For Conest being judged by Bitter Irony: Be as harsh as you want. I think this story, honestly, needs to be longer and a bit more developed to be good and all, but whatever. Doesn't matter to me.
thanks-♥->
In a list
A contest entry
- Short Prose by Bitter Irony.
165 points, ended July 2, 2007, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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I liked it, it was a good beginning. I'll read the other chapters when I get the chance. Good job.
*Frozen Angel* -
Nice story here.
To make it flow better, though, try to use more sentence variety: the structure for most of them is [blah][comma][blah]. Use some simple sentences, or sentences with two commas, or semicolons, or something to break up the monotony.
Also, be a bit more subtle about the main character's emotions. Tell less, show more. Watch out for repetativeness: "She stood in front of a mirror, looking at herself." What else would she be doing in front of a mirror? Or "she wasn't going to tell him...she knew she had to tell him. She told him with tears in her eyes," You use "tell him" or some form of it three times in one paragraph. In ultra-short fiction, repeating really drags down the flow.
"I think this story, honestly, needs to be longer and a bit more developed to be good and all, but whatever." Yes, I think you're right: it's a great story idea, but it's one that's more conductive to a "long" short story than a hypershort one.
Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 2, ending: 2, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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I think this was reeeally good!
It was sooo sad but these types of things happen, which is hard to think about for some people -like me!-!
Anyway, this was written really beautifully and I loved it!
You should expand it
xoxo
Great job!!!
Tay
PS-Good luck in the contest!!! -
oh woh i really dunno what to say to this other than i really hpe that ot doesn;et end up like this in real life. really kat!
-emmy ♥ -
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aww, thanks. I hope so too.
betitwill-♥->
me.
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OMG! Sad much? I thought it was sad BUt still good I liked this short little story it made me think Nice job
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Haha. Well, I'm glad it made you think. Thinking's...um, good?
thanks!
peace&lovaa-♥->
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Yeah, I really think you should expand it out, make a second part.. I know something else would happen. I don't know if this happens everywhere but at my school there's one final last day of school after graduation. It's only a half day, but if you use that day in your story then you could show your readers his reaction... if he has one. Or maybe he can send her an email? Or call her? I just think you need more, even if all that ends up happening is him moving away and forgetting about her... it would still be an ending. Right now he'll be moving away, but nothing's ever for sure until it happens.
As for what you got... I LOVED IT! The way you wrote it was completely 100% perfect. I loved how you portrayed her emotions and exspecially loved how the first paragraph happened a week before, yet it seemed like it was happening directly then. Really, I have no criticism on what you have so far but...
I BEG YOU TO CONTINUE!
Kay?
Kay.
Merci.
~Kevan!~
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Haha. Alright, I see what you mean. I had to keep this short for the contest, but I think I might continue the story--making it a bit longer than this. And yeah, I'll figure out his reaction too. Because he's got to have one. But I'm not sure what it is. Thanks for the suggestions though. That'll help me alot.
peace&lovaa-♥->
mee!
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Its has a good beginning.. but that's all there seems to be. You need to work on a body now.
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Yeah, I know. I had to keep it under 100 words for the contest tho. But I am going to put up another part to it, I think, because it seems kind of bare without it, you know?
Anyways, thanks
peace&lovaa-♥->
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I think you should write more on this. It has the ability to be an interesting story. Don't give up on it!
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Alright, thanks. I am going to write some more on this I think.
peace&lovaa-♥->
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