I attempt to balance
my heart and mind,
to fill the void
that's deep within.
I rest on my chair,
looking for something
that is no longer there.
I sit staring
at these empty walls,
wondering when
it will become a home.
A contest entry
- Publishable Poems? by Bitter Irony.
300 points, ended July 2, 2007, 42 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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i liked this but found myself thinking that it was lacking in vocabulary. often what makes a short poem so great is either clearity or unique vocabulary. i liked the imagrt but just though a little more umph could help.
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More...?
this poem seemed to lack something at the end, i wanted to found out more about the character involved (is it a person? it could be anything! so much bloody mystery!).
I like the last stanza, the use of words was really well done. even if it lacked something, a short and enjoyable poem it was, well done -
Well...
We have a beginning...but the reader would, not only wish, but NEED to know a little more. Just a hint? "No LONGER there?" What happened? You might want to try comparing (poetically) the "void within" and the emptiness without. But you stop! You fall short. You are even missing a metric line in the second stanza. Why? More void? But it isn't obvious...so we don't know.I would say fill it out. Work on it a bit. I like brevity...but this is a little too short...at the expense of the imact it makes...the information it conveys...the poem itself!
GA -
Everyone feels like this at some point.
It's just had to capture the moment of being nowhere and feeling nothing.
Usually, when people manage, it's a half-hearted, sterotypical, stylised view.
This, however, did an amazing job of it.
Good work. =) -
wow this was very deep, and I think it seems unfinished? maybe? If it isn't I wish there was more...bravo! luv the ending!
Luv, IMqueen
ending: 5.
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I agree with judge Bitter Irony on this one. PUBLISH IT! Short Sweet and Deep, which is the best kind of poetry. I can see something like that popping up in one of my texts for English totally (That's the kinda comment you get from a kid still in High School).
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Excellent job at expressing lonliness. There's a lot of power crammed into a very short space.
Is the rhyming of "chair" and "there" intentional? It seems to break the flow a little, but if that was your intention, it's fine as it is.
Your closing is very strong--you did well at efectively breaking up the lines.
My verdict: publishable. You have a gift for wording!
Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!
beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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unfinished?
Really liked this very much but it feels as though there should be more? excellent feeling and emotion throughout. I hope you expand it furthur. great work!
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I wasn't thinking this was unfinished actually. I thought the ending was more powerful as it is. Thank you for the comment.
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