There is a warning on the bottle
"May cause heart ache"
yet you down
my sweet pills
"Go ahead" seduces the snake
Give it up
I'm no good for you
You think I am the cure
to this horrible world
but I am naught but a lie
plastic hope lets you fly
And what I am
but your sugar?
What you feel
is not true.
And all I do
is put off the blue
tears that fall down your face.
They flood and flood
drown us both
while we are sated
in sin we created
And up a tree
there smiles a snake
safe from our rising waters
The label on the bottle said
"May cause heart ache"
Author notes
I hope this good enough to be published, but I have never read any poetry in magazines or e-zines so I do not actually know what you may be after.
On this note, I also have little idea about what kind of 'zine' would want to publish me.
Please give me your comments straight, I have yet to get too worked up over a bad comment so I think I can take it. I would really like some good feed back on this poem. If you have any suggestions for improvement, I am very happy to consider them.
A contest entry
- Publishable Poems? by Bitter Irony.
300 points, ended July 2, 2007, 42 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - ABSTRACT by Midnightmare.
200 points, ended September 16, 2007, 40 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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good work... but abstract... perhaps.
thanks for entering and good luck =] -
this is good, you have a very distinctive style, i really like it. i think, any "zine" would want this peice of writing because almost anyone could relate to it somehow...its like it's making you realise that stating your feelings to someone is leaving yourself open for "heart ache"
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Hmm yes that is one of things I was trying to convey, i love it when people read my poems and get all different meanings out of them, it is awesome!
This one I based on thinking that maybe my boyfriend was being hurt by being with me, that he was doing things with me that he might later regret, but hopefully he wont cause he is a lovely person and I don't think anything we have done is wrong, hopefully he wont think so either.
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I read the other comment
I sort of agree, but I am guessing you are talking about how the pills make you fell when you take them.I sort do agree with her, but its your type of style of writing.Make a new one or mixed up!I mean show a new type of writing style. -
Good job!
Comparing,explaining,describing, and nice type of writing style!I like it very much.You are comparing the pills which are trying to say"tempt"you like in the story of "Adam and Eve" when the snake tempts Eve to eat the apple.Also I like it when you described everything!Great job!3 SMILEY FACES!
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"but I am naught but a lie
plastic hope lets you fly"
This line doesn't seem to fit with the style of the rest of the poem, especially the word "naught" in place of nothing. When in doubt, use the normal word to avoid coming across as melodramatic.
I really like the opening metaphor of this piece: in fact, I think this whole poem might be better if you kept to the metaphor and didn't mention the snake at all.
Your tone is great for the most part, but you need to avoid jumping between different writing styles. You start with a slightly cynical/playful tone: try to keep it throughout the entire poem. I also suggest getting rid of the few instances of rhyming: the flow is good enough as a free verse, and the rhymes just draw attention to themselves.
For all that, I really think this poem is publishable, or almost publishable. It needs a little polishing, probably a rewrite or two (for that, I suggest trying to write the whole thing down from memory. Then, read what you have written. Chances are, the tone will be more uniform and only the most important and necessary parts of the poem will be written down. It's a good way to see the strong points of your poem).
If you really want to be published, I suggest reading a few online poetry journals to see what editors look for in poetry. "Rose & Thorn" is an excellent one, and "A Long Story Short" has a good variety of poems.
Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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