A day in the life of a disturbingly disturbed college student

There are some freaking weird people at my school, man. Myself being case in point. See, I have a monkey on my shoulder. This is not some metaphor or allusion, I literally have a monkey on my shoulder. I don't know what it's doing there, or how it got there. I don't even LIKE monkeys. Although since the whole 'Pirates of the Carribbean' trilogy it seems to attract a lot more positive attention, especially from girls who think it is cute. Which is, ironically, the direct opposite to what I think the intended purpose of the monkey was in the first place. Listen up close and I'll tell you what I think, man. 1

I think that one of my exes is responsible for the whole monkey situation. See, there was this girl. We were in love and all, and it was all good. Then there was a fight or something, which sucked, so I broke up with her. Then I found a note on my pillow. It read: "If I can't have you, nobody will!" After reading that note I immediately ducked for cover, expecting somebody to stab me or something, but nothing happened. Then I looked over my shoulder and there it was. That damned monkey, sitting on my shoulder. It's always there. I don't know what it does when I sleep, but when I wake up it's there. Grinning at me. 2

Anyway, keep reading and I'll tell you about a day at college that changed my life. Follow me as I walk down the steps of my dorm and cross the street. This day was good, the sun was shining and the birds were whistling, and all that. As I walked towards the university buildings, I spotted a cute girl coming the other way. I tried to make eye-contact but the monkey slapped me in the face pretty hard.
"Hey man, cut that out," I told the monkey. It just grinned at me. I grabbed a carrot from the pouch I always carry at my hip and fed it to the monkey. I had to do this because the little guy would become furious if he had to go more than an hour without food.
Eventually I arrived at the university and went inside. Welcome to the freak-show. Besides me - the guy with the monkey - two other people who immediately stood out were 'man with penis for a left arm' and 'dead guy in the corner'. The first, as his name suggests, had a penis instead of a left arm. He worked in the kitchen of the college restaurant. I don't really want to talk about that. The other person, dead-guy-in-the-corner, as opposed to what his name suggests, was actually a dead guy lying in Professor's Ludlum's office. We don't know why there was a dead guy lying in Ludlum's office, or where Ludlum himself had gotten off to, but the fact was that he was there, lying slumped over the desk. Everyone agreed that it was a bit odd, but as the guy was causing no trouble, and Ludlum apparently did not need his office (nobody had seen him in a while), it was decided that he could stay. 3

Anyway, I got myself a cup of coffee and sat down to enjoy it. A foxy girl I vaguely knew came in and I started to wave at her, but then the damn monkey started to pound on my head with his tiny fists. "Okay, okay, jeez man," I said and fed the monkey another carrot. As I sat there, solemnly drinking my coffee, one of my classmates joined me at my table. He was quite possibly the most flamboyant homosexual you have ever seen. He just sat there across from me, staring at my monkey nervously. I could literally see him working up the courage to speak. I thought to myself, "Don't do it man, don't do it." But he did anyway.
"He-"
The monkey picked up my coffee and threw the boiling hot stuff in his face. The poor guy toppled over backwards, flailing his arms, crashed to the ground, got up and ran to the bathroom screaming. I shook my head in compassion. The monkey was vicious today. 4

It was time for class. I got up and made my way to the classroom. On the way a chick with brown hair and sparkling blue eyes noticed my monkey. She approached, saying "Awww, look at that cute little monkey, is he yours?"
I wanted to respond, I wanted to tell her to turn and run, but she was so damn pretty. I was paralyzed and could do nothing but watch as my monkey flung a handful of excrement in her beautiful face.
She just stood there for a moment, in shock, chocolate monkey fudge dripping from her nose. Then she started screaming. My monkey screamed back at her. The girl covered her face with her hands and ran away. My monkey grinned at me.
I eventually muttered "aww man," and fed the monkey another carrot.
With my heart sinking, I entered the classroom. Coincidentally, the female American Literature professor who talked like a pirate was lecturing today. "Yarr, it be that der Walt Whitman who written dis 'ere book about them leaves of grass." The lesson passed quietly as the monkey did not interfere with my taking notes. After class, I approached the teacher and asked her, since she talked like a pirate, if she would maybe like to have my monkey. She told me no thanks, because she had had a monkey before and it didn't get along well with her parrot. That made sense so I left the room. 5

As I walked by Ludlum's office, a croaking voice suddenly called to me. "Hey, you, with the monkey, come here!"
I looked at the dead guy. He was still lying there, slumped over the desk, but the voice was coming from him.
"I see you have been cursed by the shoulder monkey," he said.
"Aren't you dead?" I asked.
"No, I'm not," the dead guy said.
"Well, I suppose you had better get out of Ludlum's office then, before he catches you," I said.
"I AM Ludlum, you retard," he said.
"So Ludlum is dead then?" I asked.
"No, idiot. I am pretending to be dead so I don't have to work. I plan to take three weeks off this way," he said.
"Nice," I said.
"Listen kid," alive-Ludlum said, "the reason I am telling you my secret is because I want to help you. I've seen this monkey business before."
"Really?" I asked, "What can I do about it?"
"Did you," inquired Ludlum's corpse, "by any chance have a girl who disappeared the day the monkey appeared?"
-"Yeah, I did."
"Well, that's the monkey," zombie-Ludlum said, "she turned into the monkey to make your life miserable. If you kiss the monkey, it will turn back into a girl, so you can kick the shit out of her."
I kissed the monkey. It screeched and hit me in the eye with its tiny fist. Zombie Ludlum started laughing.
"Haha, I can't believe you fell for that. Stupid kids," he muttered and went back to pretending to be dead. 6

Frustrated, I went to the college restaurant for another cup of coffee. As I entered, I saw two police officers arresting Man-with-penis-for-a-left-arm. I asked a bystander what was going on.
"They're taking him for sexual harassment."
"Figures," I answered. The man always had been giving creepy winks to the girls.
"No man, I know what you're thinking, but that's not it," the bystander said. I raised my eyebrows questioningly.
"It's not a girl who reported the crime."
-"Then what happened?"
"Well, he got into a fight with the restaurant manager. The manager made a remark about penis-man's mother, so he punched him in the face."
"With his-"
"Yeah."
"...left hand?"
"Yeah."
"...ouch"
"The manager pressed charges for assault, but the police say this type of incident counts as sexual harassment."
I paused. "This type of incident? You mean they've dealt with this kind of thing before?"
"Well, apparently once there was this guy who had a boob for a nose and-"
"Yeah, I get the picture," I interrupted.
"Hey man, why are you so freaked out, you're the guy with the monkey," the bystander said. He was right. I was the guy with the monkey. I left. 7

I came outside and sat on the sidewalk, staring at the pavement. When I looked up, I saw Catherine across the street. She saw me as well, and she started towards me. Oh man, I was in love with her. She was awesome. But I had the damn monkey, so I motioned her to stop, pointing at the infernal creature on my shoulder. She knew about the little critter, and understood at once. She pulled out her phone and started doing something. Seconds later, I received a text message on my phone. I took it from my pocket, and all I could see that it was from Catherine, before the monkey smashed it from my hands.
"Alright, that's it," I said and stood up. That little bastard had been ruining my life. I couldn't take it any longer. I picked up the monkey from my shoulder, and put it on the ground. "Go away," I told it.
It went away. I picked up my phone and read the message.
It said, "will you go out with me tonight?"
I put the phone back into my pocket, walked over to Catherine, took her into my arms, and kissed her. Then, I whispered in her ear, "yes, I will."8

Now that I think about it, I could have done that a long time ago. Man, there are some freaking weird people at my school. Myself being case in point.