The Beginning of Wisdom-10

Jentz Freeman, by profession a clergyman, or as he often said, "a new kind of minister," explained to the officer how his horrifying experience began... 1

“Officer, he was practically invisible, the kind of man you might expect to see servicing a vending machine or selling bait to fisherman---average height, weight and so forth. I would have driven right past, but here was this man standing next to a camel. It was an odd situation. People were getting angry because they wanted to park and my curiosity had made things worse. My car was at an angle with the tail sticking out. 2

One man shouted at me, ‘Hey, I’m a mall shopper! Tell your buddy to find a roadside park.’ I guess they thought that the mall must have special camel parking. 3

The camel keeper beckoned to me. ‘Pull in here, friend. There’s just enough room to squeeze your car next to its tookie.’” 4

“Its tookie?” the patrolman asked, lifting his pen over his clipboard. “What the hell is that?” 5

“Officer, if you have seen that part of a camel, you would know that that is as good a name as any.” 6

He continued to write without comment. 7

“I maneuvered my car so traffic could resume its flow but immediately realized I had crossed a boundary. I drew an involuntary breath, more like a gasp and closed my window. In such close quarters the bouquet of Homo Sapiens and Camelus Dromodarius was overwhelming. The man’s chest was at eye level and, in spite of the sweat stains and dirt, I could read the lettering on his shirt. The name ‘Chuck’ was embroidered over his left pocket set off by a bowling ball and two pins. The back of his shirt had the faded words: SHORTY’S DEFENSIVE DRIVING, MIDLAND, TEXAS. This guy was not short enough to be ‘Shorty’ and not smart enough to run a business. ‘Chuck’ seemed to fit him.” 8

“Yeah, if the shirt said, 'Chuck,' he must have been Chuck.” The officer said. 9

Then he actually smiled, revealing a mouth full of Chiclets. His teeth were strong, solid, and speckled--something about the mineral content in the water in this part of the Panhandle. 10

“Around here a man’s shirt is as good as his word,” he said with an authoritative laugh.” 11

It was difficult for me to find humor in the day’s events. I asked if the police had found any type of identification. 12

“Sorry, can’t say.” 13

“You can’t say, or you won’t say?” 14

“Sir, you’ll just have to read the papers.” 15

“Will they have that information?” 16

“Probably not.” 17

“Why not?” 18

“Mister, uh, sorry, you are a Reverend, aren’t you? We are talking about classified information.” 19

“Important information?” 20

“Not necessarily important, just classified.” 21

“Jesus Christ.” 22

“Hold it right there Reverend. You are talking about my Lord and my savior.” 23

“Yes I AM. It is my business to bring up his name now and then.” 24

“Well, I would suggest that you just let me ask the questions. You start playing smart ass with me and you will have a long evening on your hands.” 25

“Sir, I have had a very disturbing day. I am very disturbed. I only knew this man for a few hours.” 26

“O.K. Let’s get back to the report. Just tell me what you said and did.” 27

“The camel’s name was Rushdie.” 28

“Rusty?” the officer asked, expressing only a mild interest. 29

“No, RushDEE! The camel didn’t have a shirt with a pocket, but I had Chuck’s word.” I couldn’t resist matching his earlier comment about the shirt. 30

The officer wrote down R-U-S-T-Y. It was clear that he was the one who gives orders and tells the jokes. I could have helped him. The camel’s name was of some significance, but this was a man without an appreciation for irony. By misspelling the camel’s name, he had missed the larger story and inadvertently freed the camel from a curse. I am sure that he never heard of Salmon Rushdie, whose book, The Satanic Verses, had angered many Muslims. 31

The camel’s name was important to me. Religion had entered my life like water finding a crack in a roof. It had become MY hump. I easily identified with this poor creature. The camel had inherited a curse just as I floundered under the weight of something quite similar. 32

“Sir, I had no intention of getting involved in this situation. I had come to the shopping mall to buy a pair of socks. As soon as I parked next to the camel I wanted to back out.” 33

“What happened?” 34

“That man came right over and stuck out his hand. I got out and took it. 35

“There you go, the officer encouraged.” 36

“Go where?” 37

“Your report. You’re giving your report . . . Go on.” 38

“I noted that Chuck's hand was missing a thumb and a forefinger. Not good for bowling or camel driving,” I thought to myself.” 39

“And your name?” Chuck asked me. 40

“Uh, sorry. Call me Jentz—Almost anything beginning with ‘J’ will do.” My left hand had begun an exploration of the camel’s hump. “One hump, or two.” I smiled, lamely, at my own joke. 41

Chuck spit over his shoe top, and stared at me. Obviously the camel only had one hump. 42

“It does have one hump, doesn’t it? Dromedary?” I offered hopefully. 43

“Ata Allah” Chuck replied, pointing over his head, as if there was someone just over his head. 44

“What did you say?” 45

“Ata Allah,” Chuck responded. “It means gift from God. I read it in a training manual. That is what the A-rabs call the one hump camel. Yeah, it’s a Dromedary.” 46

“You, ah, don’t look like someone who would know a lot about camels.” 47

“What in the hell do I look like? I am a trained camel handler Mr.-- hey, what’s yer name again?” 48

We went back through the name business once more and that was when I learned the camel’s history. 49

“You’re looking at Salman Rushdie the Fifth. Isn’t that a story?” 50

“Why hello, Mr. Rushdie, aren’t you something?” The camel looked back at me, and seemed totally in agreement. I pled with Chuck to let me get on his back and even offered to pay. 51

“Jake . . . er, Johns. I can’t do that. If people see you do that they will all be over here, and I will have to give every sticky fingered kid a boost.” 52

But, it looked like I had caught him with a sudden change of heart. 53

“Oh to hell with the kids, Sal needs the exercise and its good advertising. Climb up behind me." 54

Noticing my hesitation, Chuck reassured me. “It’s OK, two can ride. Both of us are light enough. He can take over 400 lbs. with ease. Your car will mark our place.” 55

Chuck climbed onto the camel’s back and, he reached out his hand. “Come up on the hump. It’s OK, no shit.” 56

Impulsively, I took his hand. “What the hell. Why not?” 57

He grabbed me with his remaining fingers in what felt like a lobster pinch. 58

“There yah go. That’s it. It’s like being on top of a hill. Lean into it.” 59

Suddenly, the camel turned its great head to take in the full measure of its rider to be. It opened its mouth and . . . belched. It was as if I had caught the entire Holy Land in one whiff. I wiped the tears from my eyes and nodded my head reassuringly. 60

Rushdie continued to chew a wad of vegetation that he had scavenged and allowed a large strand of green slime to slide down each side of his mouth. It was the kind of behavior that would have prompted my mother to shout, “BAD Camel!” 61

“Up now, up,” Chuck called. 62

I was, abruptly, vaulted into the air. “Oh my god! This is great. I guess I should say, ‘Allah is great’. Wow, the pads of its feet are better than the shocks on a limousine. He is the original Easy Rider.” 63

“Bleah, urgh, scree.” The camel continued, as if it were searching for new and original expletives. 64

“Ignore the racket. They always get all their complaints out of the way when they start out.” 65

“Braack.” 66

“Ah, we’re moving. The beast is on its way.” 67

“Ugh, phagh.” 68

“Christ, that’s enough of that shit,” Chuck complained. 69

“Chuck began to sing, “The eyes of Texas are upon you, all the live-long day. The eyes of Texas are upon you and you…” 70

Ignoring the singing, I continued to reflect upon the ride. “Sal walks like he owns the place. He is one smug son-of-a-gun.” 71

“He should feel smug,” Chuck interjected, “The bugger has secrets that go back a long way: Where is the next water hole? When is the next dust storm coming? What trail will make us as rich as a king? Think about it. A camel holds his head high because he has stuff to be proud of. If you hurt that pride you will endanger yourself.” 72

I noticed that Chuck even took on some of the camel’s characteristics as he talked. Chuck had several molars missing. His tongue moved up and down like Sal’s. 73

Just as we circled the parking lot, shoppers honked and waved, and a woman in a pickup bared her breasts. Chuck pointed to people with cameras. “Hey, man, those people are taking our picture. They are trying to get us against the setting sun. Sit up-look regal.” Chuck continued, surprising me with his reflective skills. My guess was that he had spent a bit of time in prison libraries. Where else could a man like him learn so much unrelated information? 74

“You can’t be inconspicuous riding a camel. Every time I take it out it is an event. They all want to know what you are doing and where you are going.” 75

“Yeah,” I concurred. It’s as if we just came from a Caravan-bringing the wise men to Bethlehem and that sort of thing.” 76

At this point, we both began to feel a little giddy. I said, offhandedly, “I must admit, my bottom is quite sore. You never think of the Magi having sore bottoms, but they must have been as red as baboon’s behinds.” 77

Chuck put one hand on his hip and effected an effeminate voice—“Look at me, I’m one of those Magi people. I bring you yogurt and canned peach halves.” 78

“I think it’s the perspective. Things seem so different,” I said. 79

“Well, you get to ride at eye level with the goddam truckers,” Chuck offered. He continued to warm to the subject. “When you are on a camel, you feel like you can ride anywhere, any place and anytime. The damn kids want to take in the whole horizon all at once. They love these rides. On the camel’s hump you see all of it.” 80

As my body gave way to the pitch and yaw of the Camel’s motion, I felt a connection with those who once rode the great trade routes, but it was short-lived. No joke intended, but my shorts began to bind. “This is a real ‘ball buster’. Next time I’ll wear my jockey shorts.’” 81

“Man, now your talking ‘perspective,’” Chuck laughed. 82

Sal drooled a frothy fleck of spittle and the wind brought some of it across my pants. 83

“Here’s a towel bud.” Chuck handed me a dirty rag that he kept handy for such moments. “That’s the bad thing about a side wind. What is even worse is to have the wind at your back. It will make your eyes tear up, but it sure kills the fleas.” 84

“What a day,” I exclaimed. “I think I can see Detroit from here.” 85

We eased through the driving lanes and wound our way to the edge of the mall lot. Chuck pointed behind us. "“Notice how that state trooper has been following us. She’s sure we must be breaking some kind of law, but she doesn’t know what to do with us if she stops us.” He called out, “Faster, Faster!“ 86

The posse grew quickly. Two mall security trucks, a state police car and an animal control van rushed straight at us. I thought that Chuck would pull the camel up short so that we would talk everything over. Imagine my alarm when Chuck slapped the camel with a quirt. 87

Wacka! Wack! 88

We headed down the exit road toward a row of houses. Two Dobermans were now at our heels. The camel, in its fright, ran straight into an empty two-car garage. One of the doors had been left partially opened and that proved to be unfortunate. 89

Chuck was killed instantly, his body pushed backward over mine in such a way that it shielded me from the garage door. Rushdie had fallen in a crumpled heap. With eyes filmed over with pain, the camel met my gaze and seemed to be searching for answers. 90

“I know CPR,” I shouted to a gathering clump of neighbors, and I stumbled toward the camel. Actually I wanted to shout out that I didn’t know much about anything .