No one ever knew me

Now that I look back at my life I realize, I live in the past. 1

First off, Im going to share two quotes with you that basically some up my life as a teenager. 2

How will you know I'm hurting if you do not know my pain? 3

It doesn't really hurt when pain is the only thing you've ever known.4

Okay, Now I will explain as to why I relate to this so much. 5

My name is LaAmya Nowak and Im 15years old. I was born, raised and still reside in Port Huron, Michigan. I guess Im the average teen, worried about fitting in, and scared to let anyone get close to me. 6

All my life I didnt have a father, and my mother and I have been fighting non-stop since I was 13years old. They say teenagers are just rude, and dont know anything about the real world. 7

Well at 13years old, I started to go out into the Real World. I started talking to older guys, making friends, and partying, basically just getting in trouble to fit in. I would do anything, and didnt really care.8

My friends were the greatest thing in my life, and so was my boy friend who was constantly lying to me, and cheating on me. But ofcourse I didnt know that. I got in major trouble talking to these guys, and having the friends I did. I was often locked in my bedroom, grounded, and banned from person to person. 9

When I turned 14, I had stopped talking to the guys I did but I guess still had the friends. I was smoking, drinking sometimes, and stealing. 10

Things didnt change until I got caught on everything. In the past my grades were always bad, but when I was 14 and in the 8th grade I guess you could say thats when I began to try. 11

Later in the year I had lost 3friends to death. I never experinced death before, and it was the hardest thing ever. My friend Jessica's death is the one that hit me the hardest. She was dead, she was really dead and she wasnt comming back. My friend that I knew since the 3rd grade, and grew up with was gone. 12

Thats when it all happen, when my whole life just turned black. I stopped talking to everyone, and I built up these walls. I became serverly depressed, and I began taking pills. For a while no one had a clue, but then I noticed, they started sneeking around. They started hiding things, I hated my family and I refused to speak to them. I was always fighting, and I turned into this mean person that I was never before. Hurting on the inside, no one seen. I just needed someone to try and care about me. 13

Around my 15th birthday my dad came back into my life. He's been in and out of prison my whole life. For the past year we wrote back and forth. He made promises like "My kids are more important then this life, and I want to be there for them, watch them grow up." Me being the youngest, its was kind of to late. But I believed him. I started to love and trust him, but I should have known it wasnt true. My whole birthday, all I did was cry. Jessica(my friend who died) and I had the same birthday, but she was just a year older. I spent that day at the cemitary, and an emotional wreck. He came and seen me, I hugged him, and for days after that he called. 14

Two months later he was gone. He left, and he was on his way back to prison. I guess drugs were more important, but that broke my heart. You think I would be use to it by now. I mean after 15years I should've known nothing would change. Thats when the pills started picking up. The were the worse ever. I started taking up to 15pills a day just to pass out and sleep. I would wake up, and things would be okay for a while. It was so bad, that I wasnt even allowed to leave the house anymore, and my family wanted me to be put in a hospital. They thought I was suicidal, and I was the normal teenager crying out for attention. But I wasnt, I didnt want attention or I wouldnt have kept it secret. I was so bad to the point that I thought I was going to die. I didnt have plans to kill myself, but I just didnt really care what happen. Nothing could be greater then the pain I had. 15

One day online, I met him. He talked to me about God, and for some reason I just poored my heart out to him. I didnt like him, and frankly he pissed me off a lot, but I still found myself talking to him. I opened up, and he cared, or atleast acted like he did. After a short time of talking, I developed feelings for him, and it was weird to me. He was suppose to leave to Italy to become a preist, and I knew that. I cursed myself for liking him. But then liking turned into loving him and so on. 16

For the first time in my life, I had a guy that made me happy. I could smile and I felt someone cared. I could be myself and he was the only person, and basically still is the only person that Ive completely opened up to. He started calling me on the phone and things just led from one thing to another. 17

Its been 7months, and though I still fight depression on some days, I havent taken pills in 2months, and besides that one time which was a mistake it was 4months before that. I think Ive accomplished my problem. 18

My life isnt perfect but I can say that I have opened up to people a bit more, and now all my friends on here, and even a few more people that dont know about me know my story.19