The nurse comes in to draw the blind.
The morning sun, in rising gleam
Careers into the room to find
That she is wakened from her dream.
The morning sun, in rising gleam
Sudden, harsh, so rudely bright
That she is wakened from her dream,
Reflects on walls all scrubbed and white.
Sudden, harsh, so rudely bright
It seems to her: she waits alone,
Reflects on walls all scrubbed and white,
Like finest china, or like bone.
It seems to her she waits alone,
Dissolved into the pillow-case:
Like finest china, or like bone
And even paler, is her face.
Dissolved into the pillow-case
The room grows wider round her bed
And even paler is her face
To watch the widening white with dread.
The room grows wider round her bed
A heart that feels a quickening pace
To watch the widening white with dread,
But sudden peace upon her face.
A heart that feels a quickening pace
Careers into the room to find
But sudden peace upon her face.
The nurse comes in to draw the blind.
Author notes
This is a form poem called a pantoum. If it's not obvious from the poem, you could look up the very strict form rules of a pantoum by googling for them, or try wikipedia; but basically, the form relies on repetition, using two lines from the previous verse and adding two new lines in each stanza, which in turn become the two repeated lines. In the final stanza, the lines from the first stanza are repeated. The trick is to try and change the meaning of the words slightly with each repetition. I believe in form matching content: the title, 'Slipping', is suggested by the way the repeated lines slip down the poem.
A contest entry
- Publishable Poems? by Bitter Irony.
300 points, ended July 2, 2007, 42 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
How well does it fit the form?
Comments
-
oh wow, this is brilliant. Those tricky "lines-must-be-exactly-like-this-or-else" poems are a BITCH to write, so this is absolutely impressive.
I loved how apt the title was. Each line was like the old woman was slowly sinking closer and closer into death, which was a big bright light that was neither welcome, nor fearful.
Of course, that's just my interpretation of it. And I'm always wrong. Hell, the poem could just as easily be an analogy of Mao Tse-tung's slipping control over the People's Republic of China during his final years before his death.
....And Animal Farm was about a bunch of cute farm animals trying to eke out a living.
:-)
Great job on this. Seriously awesome.
Have you ever tried your hand at a sestina? -
First things first: congratulations on writing a pantoum, something I have never managed to do or seen done to my satisfaction before. :-) However, when sticking to a form of this kind, punctuation becomes especially important to keep the meaning clear. Punctuate sentences, not lines. For example (my corrections are in [])
"
The morning sun[no comma] in rising gleam[,]
[s]udden, harsh, so rudely bright
[t]hat she is wakened from her dream,
[r]eflects on walls all scrubbed and white."
Technicalities aside, this poem is amazing. You used the form to full advantage, and I love the way you managed to change the meaning of the repeated lines a bit in each stanza: it made for an enjoyable and interesting read. The imagery is excellent but not overpowering, and the poem manages to relate an amazing combination of emotions, both sadness and hope and a few others that don't seem to have a name yet. :-) Excellent job: this is certainly a publishable poem. If I owned an e-zine, I'd pay money to publish it.
Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck! This is one of my favorite entries so far.
beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
-
Sad, but very good. I really liked this. Very good here. Good luck in the contest. God Bless!
Adding your comment:
