Eulogy To My Death- A True Story1
I didn’t like to be lonely. But I was good at it. I had to be in my seventh grade year. Everything was so different than I had hoped for. 2
The previous year, my first year in the big kids’ middle school, I had felt so small against the hoard of 600 other kids. I was a good student; I got A’s in all of my classes, except for Math and Science, which were my weaknesses. I had some friends, who were just enough to get me through that year. The school’s population was so vast, the principal didn’t even know us on a first name basis. They had strong discipline there, since half the school’s teachers were incapable of controlling the kids. There were hall monitors equipped with noisy walkie-talkies, security cameras everyone liked to look at while picking their nose, and a tough discipline structure. 3
It really wasn’t that out-of-the-ordinary to hear gossip about kids getting caught with pot or cans of beer in their lockers. Rumors ran rampant since none off the information could ever been confirmed after the incident. This is because the alleged kid was nowhere to be found. They always just vanished, as if they evaporated out of the science rooms. If the kid tarnished the school’s already terrible reputation, they were gone before anyone could ask any questions.4
I didn’t like going to the school, but there wasn’t anything else I could do. That was, until seventh grade.5
Worcester Preparatory School was somewhat out of place in the little community of Berlin, with its rustic little touches, untainted from the industrialization after the 1960’s. When I first saw it, with its eerie stature aging on the fertile green grasses, I knew this wasn’t the last time I’d be there. 6
But after awhile, I began to think I was wrong about the foreboding aura of the school. It actually seemed to warm up to me. I was told the teachers were great, the food was really good, and they even had a huge library in a whole other building. By the time I was offered to be accepted as a student in the school, I was ecstatic after hearing all these wonderful things about it. The staff enthusiastically set up a time during the school year where I could be a “student for a day”.7
The night before being “student for a day” I fussed with my mother about what to wear.8
“They wear blue plaid skirts and white blouses. I can give you my blouse to wear, but the only plaid I’ve got is in red…” she had said, sorting through her closet while I sat on her bed.9
“Mum why can’t I just wear my normal clothes”10
“But you might feel out of place.”11
I sighed and she threw me a blouse to try on.12
“Mummy, people will notice me this time, right?”13
“Of course they will. At this school you can really get your writing going.”14
“I can’t wait, this school seems so great. Maybe I’ll make friends, a whole load of them…and maybe I’ll get a boyfriend…oh I’m getting nervous now.”15
“Ayla you’ll be fine.” My mother had said soothingly.16
“I know…thanks mum.”17
The following morning a skinny blonde girl with stylish black glasses came to escort me around the school. I gazed at her tiny waist longingly, and reminded myself of my orange-like figure. 18
After showing me where all of my classes would be, she led me to the 7th grade corridor. Instantly, I was blinded by the while and blue clad figures of students. They gathered around me, each asking questions about me. 19
“Where did you come from?”20
“When are you coming here?”21
“How old are you?”22
“What is your name?”23
I was thrilled. Never in my life had anyone paid so much attention to me.24
By the time I got home I had a bright smile plastered on my face and a new light in my mind. Life was good. They had fought over who got to sit with me at lunch; they even offered to take my trash up. Even the boys paid notice to me. I couldn’t wait until September.25
After so long in waiting, September 2nd finally came. I woke up, and put on my baggy uniform. We had made a mistake on the sizing, so it was a little big. I felt huge and ugly in it, but I wouldn’t let that bring me down on my first day. I combed my long blonde hair down, and contemplated ways to make my nose look smaller until it was time for school.26
My heart pounded as I strode through the door, my head aloft, through the entrance to the auditorium. On the first day there was always an assembly. Before me, the whole student body was spread over my eyes. Looking around, I found the girl that had been with me that day, with all of her friends.27
“Hi! Remember me? Last summer you showed me the school”, I said cheerfully.28
She looked at her friends, and then looked at me. “Oh hi.” she said and walked away, the gaggle of girls trailing alongside of her. 29
I was sort of confused, but figured she must have had something to do. 30
I tried talking to some other people I recognized, most saying less than the girl did. Someone had to talk to me…right?31
Sullenly, I got into mum’s car. Fall had come and gone, and the frigid chill of winter is in the air. She looked at me hopefully as I shut the door.32
“Well…?”33
“Oh I helped this boy practice the lead lines. I showed him how to show emotion when he spoke on stage.”34
“And…?”35
“Well he got the part. He plays the prince.”36
“That’s great sweetie. I’m glad you could help. How did our audition go?”37
“Well they gave us random lines to say. I tried my best in saying mine.”38
“What was your audition line?”39
“ ‘A caterpillar’”40
“Well that’s not very much to say’ my mother said.41
“Yeah but its alright. ‘Snow White’ isn’t that great of a school play anyway. This popular girl, Caitlin got the role of Snow White. She’s really pretty, really skinny.”42
“So did you get the Witch’s part like you wanted?”43
“No, the Phillips girl got that. The one that’s like a gazillionaire.”44
“So what did you get?”45
“I’m dwarf #9”46
“But I thought there’s only seven dwarfs” she said looking confused.47
“We had to twist it a bit. Everyone had to get a part. So there’s 11 of us now.” 48
We were silent for a moment. It was Mum who tried to speak next, but I stopped her. 49
“Mum…it will get better…I know it will. It can’t get any worse.”50
When rumors lifted their wings I was confirmed wrong. I sat at my lunch table one day writing in my diary. I decided to give up trying to sit with the girls, since they always kicked me out of the table no matter who was there first. I was also tired of the boys pushing me off their table hurling insults at me. So I sat by myself at the corner of the extra guys’ table. Only a few sat there, and I tried to avoid them best I could. Constantly I heard them calling me. “Hey you! Lesbo girl!” I guess that’s what I got for not being popular enough to have any boys talk to me. The insults hurt, but not as much as when the kids played pranks on me. Sometimes they’d write wild goose chase love letters, or sometimes they would give me “gifts” from inexistent secret admirers. The girls I longed for friendship with ignored me, and the boy I had a crush on laughed with all the other guys when they called me a stupid fat lesbian bitch. One time when I rfused to do a science disection, one kid anctually threw a bag at me during enlish. In the bag was a part of the pig they had disected.51
My grades were slipping, because I was so focused on how I could get them to talk to me, even if it was just to borrow a pencil. I longed to hear my own laugh, my own voice in the halls.52
I made friends with a lot of the teachers. They were really nice to me, and really they were all I had. I even helped out part time in the library. Kneeling with stacks of books by Maya Angelou and Edgar Allen Poe made me feel less alone. Literature was my only escape from my world.53
The last part of me, I think, died when I heard the hockey team laughing about me. They made up a little song about me and one of my teachers that helped me in math and science. Pretty soon, a rumor came around that more took place in the study sessions I had after school. I was horrified at the rumor, it was disgusting. Me? With a teacher? It was appalling to even think about. That day during study hall, I went to the library, propped myself up a dusty set of books, and cried. 54
I thought back to the day I fist came with the girl. It had all been a stupid advertisement. You only had a wonderful time in school if you were popular. And of course, the popular kids couldn’t be disciplined for anything they did; they were valuable to the school. Their job was to make students feel popular for one day. And they really did their job well. I longed for my old school, no matter how terrible it was. I didn’t care if I wasn’t noticed any more, just so they’d stop laughing at me!55
When the end of the year finally came, I was too depressed to be overjoyed. I left the school friendless, and devoid of any promised happiness.56
Author notes
Yes, I'm sorry to say this was a true story. I was only 13 during all of this. I didn't know what I was doing wrong.But things that happened that year I'm still trying to heal from. While writing this I even started shaking and I had to lie down. After this year, I switched schools back to the old school. 8th grade was much better, but I wore black almost all year. People asked me why, well here is their answer.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
-
Awww i'm really sorry this had to happen to you... I know what it feels like to be thought of as different. Luckily enough, I was never thoguht of as a lesbian, people didn't like me because I have a sight problem. Optic Nerve Hypoplasia, it's an undeveloped optic nerve... My 'friends' from my primary school turned against me, except one, who begun to behave the way I did which must've frightened her, and even she eventually went away to the others. People didn't like me for hanging with Becky either, at the start. Sherie, a girl who had sexually 'assaulted' me at her house used to still talk to me, but I was cold with her. I begun to get ruthless with everyone. Not wanting to know anyone, because they'd put me now. It came to the stage that boys would try and fight me, so i'd take on 2 at a time. I could do it, it was ok cos it was pretty much the same ones who were in my year or only one above, so it wasn't two scary. It's only when the older boys tried to pin me to rape me when I was like 11, but I used to kick them in too. I didn't get in trouble, there pride would be hurt if they told the teachers. But I wasn't popular either, because I couldn't 'see' properly. The only popular girl who liked me was a quiet one who did try and talk to me... The only popular boy who liked me, or talked to me, was Trevour. He said he'd make sure I was popular if i'd have sex with him. I was 12, I wasn't going to do that, just because he had... I fancied this popular guy, but he never payed any attention to me... Anyway sorry for babbling. Thankyou for expressing your feelings and your personal experiences. I know how depressing it can be if you need to talk please just IM me. Thankyou,
x Stef x -
I liked it on left justified better. Easier to read. Sorry, been reading this for a bit in between sleep! I really liked this look at your past. Sometimes we really have to do this to see the root of our emotions; in your case, depression. It is so unfair when as kids we have to deal with such APATHY. You really wrote this well, I was quite moved by the way you presented your story. This isn't a 'pity me' story rather getting at the root of some very painful emotions. As such, truly great and I thank you kindly for entering my contest
Well done! 
-
I know the feeling of the slipping grades, just wanting someone to notice you. I like this. Good job. I'm sorry you went through this kind of torture. <3
-
you know... this reminds me of my 8th grade year... i was made fun of and talked about and had rumors spread about me all over the school, and even in other schools (about something very personal taht i choose not to tell... :/). yet... i still had friends. i guess... you can call them good friends for sticking by me through everything that i had said about me... i have to admit i know that sometimes they were ashamed of being near me or walking around with me .. but they stayed with me, no matter what. i wish i could tell them that.. how much they helped me get through my last year without any suicide attempts (though i did have suicidal thoughts..). i wish i could tell them before i move..
your write really.. truly (as you can tell) touched me. i felt shivers and chills and my eyes were becoming watery (which happens very rarely).
i'm sorry that you had to go through this. but i'm not sorry that i did, because i know that it will help me grow stronger in the future.. as it will do to you. i hope you recover from your dreadful experiences and i hope they help you become a more beautiful person (inside and out).
no matter what, you are beautiful. (only if you believe it yourself)
with love&comfort
__ melinda -
awww it's so sad
-
wow this is intense i am sorry it had to happen ... good luck in the contest ... i enjoyed this one!
-
very good
So sad, but true kids can be thr cruelest people on earth. But the fact is they learn from their parents most of the time. So to hell with them all. You are a talented writer, and you have learned to use your pain to help others.With this story others know they are not alone in simualar situations. I wish you the best of luck in life. Remember that 1 true friend in life is better than 100 fair weather friends. And you have a friend in me.
Edited on Oct 22, 5:19 p.m. because ''. -
Kids can be cruel. This is a powerful piece with excellent, vivid description and flowing emotion. Best of luck in the contest!
-
wow... this is so sad your emotions came through in the piece... i can hardly imagine how horrible things must have been for you. but.. what doesnt kill us makes us stronger right? hehe ^_^. you deserve the gold in the contest
-taori -
:'-(
I read it, Ayla. Very sad. Sorry you had to go through that. I'll bet lots of people can relate, too. I remember when I wanted to be accepted..but at our school now i have lots of friends, and they're not popular either. I think you'll like it here at JMB. Welcome ^_^ and as always,
Love, Gabriel -
Good write, and am sad to hear this is a true story, but you have expressed your emotions very well.
Nice write, well done and best fo luck in my contest -
nice write. very sad.i went through something very similar but i finially made a small amount of friends. then i came back to my old town and had to start out all over again but it got better and i think it will get better for you too. you are lucky you are able to write because some unfortunite kids that have to go through this have nothing. anyways i hope things get better for you and this is an awesome write! good luck in my contest!
later
sam -
very good
this was very interesting, I liked it alot, is there a sequel? I'm sorry about those assholes, people can be so mean. At least you can write about it , thank you for entereing my contest.
Irilis -
This is an interesting story. You have a few spelling mistakes that take away from what you are are trying to say. For example, near the end you say you thought back to when you "fist" came with the girl. Obviously you intended to say "first." Since you are writing you much, you should be careful in that area. I look forward to reading some more of your work.
-
holy crap man that is sad. damn i hate "popular" peaple.i mean seriously how do they decide who's popular and who's not. i mean is it how much money you have or how well you can suck up. i mean seriously. it's called if i wanted to i could be just as much of an actual bitch like them if ii wanted. but i don't cuz when you are popular i find that more people hate you then like you. i mean seriously. but ya enough about that. great story sorry you had to go through that. and well i kinda guess i know how you feel. it wa sin grade 7 too. it was actually my frist year ever going to a real school, i was homeschooled all my life. and well i guess you might call me different, see with me i like to dress all wacky and weird. cuz it's what i am used too. but when i go theree everyone seemed to hate me and my weird out of the ordinary style and it hurt me cuz i didn't wanna change. i liked the way i was and well when they started making fun of me i got really hurt. i had only like 2 friends and they were nerds and outcasts too. i just wish more people were like me eh? well anyhoo
ya
nice work yet again..
toodles
Danielle
-
kind of reminds me of wat happened to me when i moved from NC to Pa. i was popular the first week then everybody would tease me and throw things at me.
-
Gee thats really very sweet of you. The newspaper article I was proud of and I hated at the same time. When it came out, I lost my best friend because of it. It was a complicated situation but now I'm glad its over with. Now that we have moved I hope I'll meet many new people here. lol and we all know I'm a little on the blonde side for doing minor tasks.
-
Aww gee, I think I'm already blessed to have 9 whole trophies. I credit every single one of them to those who have supported me so well.
-
... and if I could give out trophies.... you'd get gold, silver, bronze AND all the honorable mentions.
-
Stunned
But you, in the grandest unfurl I've ever seen, now shine in one huge smile of pink. I have proof! I have the full page article - WITH pictures.
I cried when reading this - for all those blind idiots who perhaps will one day see the golden opportunity they were too stupid to see. And for the amazing bravery it must have taken for you to show me who you are. I'm honored to know you.
(Because Ayla will be much too modest to admit it - she took 8th grade by storm. WOWing the local newspaper editor who proclaimed "She'll one day be President" and featured her and her words with one stunning picture that shows all the beauty of one perfect Yellowrose.) -
This was a very well written piece. I feel like I can relate to a lot of what you said; things like that are why I was pulled out of public school in eighth grade to be home-schooled, because my social anxiety disorders, etc, were just too much for me to handle and they all made fun of me and such anyways.
Moving on though, I thought you carried this out well, you managed to convey a lot of your emotions and the entire situation without the write getting tangled up in itself and your thoughts. There were a few minor things in the sentences that might could use brushing up, but nothing really worth mentioning. A really good write here, keep it up, and good luck in the contest.
Renae. -
10/10
Very good, your an excellent writer, im sorry that this happened to you, it is trult tragic. I was really caught in the story, ive been ignoring the people in my house, so i could finish it, you've got talent, use it like you have as a weapon against the aesthetic loving society we live in.
Love Push (alex) -
awesome so far will bookmark and return with a better comment...
peace be with & blessed be;
Thomas Vaughan -
wow fascinating great thanx for sharing
-
good story love... i've heard it before of course... but i'm glad you could finally write down what happened to you...now, perhaps, you can start to heal the wounds 7th grade left you with...and i'm here to help with that.. I love you ayla
~Jack~
-
wow. that was a great write ya know...i've seen this happen to people before. i went to a catholic school in junior high, so it was pretty small. only 500 in the school, and 70 in my class. but anyways, it must have been so hard for you because you wanted to be noticed. i knew someone in a similar situation, but on the flipside. she was made fun of, and my friends and i tried to help, but she said she preferred being alone. she always inspired me, because she had a HUGE imagination. she was way into books and she was like a young girl out of a laura ingalls wilder book or and american girl doll or something. well, anyways, i loved the story. one spelling error i thought i'd point out though. in the sentence: Instantly, I was blinded by the while and blue clad figures of students. i think you meant to say white rather than while. just thought i'd let you know if you wanted to fix it it was really well written! i loved some of the wording you chose. well done keep it up!
-
This looks real good, I will finish reading it later. I tried to get to it thru the poet list, but I couldn't find you. Hang in there!
USpace
-
wow that sux u ever change schools? caz thats what i woudla done but then again i woudla also bitched every single one of them out for what they did to me and made them pay i dont think they wouda bothered with me ne more but yeah laterz ~X2c~
-
Sorry, I don't have time for a long read right now - almost midnight here, and time for bed!
Hoosier -
wow
Adding your comment:
1 - 30 of 30
