She walks through the doorway, her beautiful golden locks flowing behind her. I remain sitting at my desk, the others flocking to the spot where she sits. The girl walking through the door is beautiful; how I envy her. She is a delicate mold, a dancing fairy in a world of elephants. Almost as a fairy would, she steps with serene grace across her attentive domain. The fairy cups her hand to her mouth as she whispers to a friend who nods eagerly. Such a lovely delicate voice... Across the room sits a boy. I stare at him, he stares at her. A desperate longing in his eyes matches one in mine.
How I envy her.
Author notes
This is based on a poem I wrote, also called Lucky.
A contest entry
- Short Prose by Bitter Irony.
165 points, ended July 2, 2007, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I like it very much the begging is a hooker which is very good. Keep up the good work -
almost forgot!!
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hm....that was nice.....its a sing song sorta story!!! its not sad btw....or mayb my heart is stone!!
nevertheless....its beautiful!!
CHEERS!!!! -
aiiieee! I didn't notice this before! The panda will get you...your punctuation is incorrect at some points.
"The girl walking through the door is beautiful, how I envy her." it should be "The girl walking through the door is beautiful; how I envy her." So you need to replace the comma with a semicolon.
"Almost as a fairy would, she steps lightly, across the classroom into her seat." Eliminate the second comma.
Oh and also I think an elipsis should replace the period in "Such a lovely delicate voice." Sorry I read this book about punctuation this morning and I'm correcting everyone!
Lise
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Thank you for that! I'm changing it now.
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This does actually sound like it was orginally a poem ^_~
I liked when you repeated, "How I envy her," in the end.
I really liked your description of the girl!
Nice work!!
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Almost all the sentences in this piece seem to be constructed "blah, blah," in two parts with a comma between. Try adding some different sentences structures for variety.
You did a good job with the characterization and description. This story does feel like it was originally a poem, though: I would really have prefered a short story meant to be a short story, if you understand what I'm saying.
Nevertheless, I enjoyed this piece. Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!
beginning: 4, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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yes. darby's popularity is QUITE obnoxious.
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this about darby too? jw
great story!!! I love the last part and how you repeated "how I envy her." faaabbbuuulllooouuusss
lise
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Yup. Darby Again.
its based on the poem, which is about darby. so yes.
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