I fear loneliness
Smoke is smelled as it crawls through my blood
And threatens to show itself
As my burning soul yearns to let itself out
Salty tears form outside my bloodshot eyes
I can taste them while they run down my face
And stop at my never-smiling lips
I can hear silent sobs coming from none other than myself
I doubt you can hear it as well
My heart is numbing with pain
When you try to shut me out
I look around and see no one by my side
And now it's just me and my solitude
I fear loneliness;
Yet it's all around me
Author notes
[For FRIENDSfanatic's contest] Option 4: Writing about my greatest fear.
[For Lady Madeline's contest] Option 3: Depressed. Obviously XD
A contest entry
- Interesting Options by FRIENDSfanatic.
175 points, ended June 24, 2007, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Im not Dark... by asthray.heart.
370 points, ended September 6, 2007, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Do you like it? ^_^
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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This is really good, you have done a brilliant job on this and yes depressed duh, youd be troubled if you felt this wasn't.
I can hear silent sobs coming from none other than myself
I doubt you can hear it as well
Fave part, very well done.
Tnks for entering and goodluck.
~Lady Madeline.
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Wow, i have never heard lonelyness pertraid that way before. love the second line.
Smoke is smelled as it crawls through my blood
And threatens to show itself
I donno how exactly it portrays loneleyness, although I profer to isoate myself so to you it may seam difrent.
very nice peace.
Paige. -
i'm speecless!!
okay a lil exagerated or i wudn't have wrote that and simply left, but i really really enjoyed this.......its simply beautiful.....
the emotion, the clarity, the amazing truth- wow, this totally cool!!! loneliness, this is soo awesome and so touching at the same time!!!! -
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Thanks! Also, thanks for reading! =D
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In the fourth to last line do you mean 'No one by my side' rather than 'Now one'? I wasn't sure.
Otherwise this is a really cutting story. I really love the third to last line, you almost make it sound like your solitude is another person, its just beautiful. Wonderful work, keep it up. -
You said my poem was great..you're is simply Awesome!!!! i love it!!!!!!!!! how in the world did you come up with it! i could never think of a topic like this to write on!! rawk on sista! \m/
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Thank you very much! *laughs*
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That's sad Siby.You'll never face loneliness.Your too great for that to happen to you.Me,maybe but that's cuz I'm a loner.Though we will most likely never meet in rl I'll always be your friend.Promise.
~smiles~
And I'm sure Artemis and Chibi will be your friend too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UpPjuyzrnio -
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*eyes fill up with tears*
Thank you so much! ^__^ -
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THAT IS WONDERFUL!
i'm so glad you took my suggestions to heart, some people just ignore them instead, and it is wonderful that you are open to suggestions, because this has turned into an EXCELLENT poem, good luck! -
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Thanks a lot!! ^____^
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good
that was very good, powerful and interesting.
However I think you could make improvements to your writing. I suggest changing your sentences that start with
"it feels" "it tastes", that is just too simple a way to put it. I would love it if you could make those worded in a more creative way, such as instead of "it smells like fire", "it is smoke in my throat, bitter flames that seep through my nose." I know that sounds strange, don't use that example, do something better that makes the reader interested.also, the sentences that follow it, don't say "because" or words like that because it sounds too much like an explanation, rather than a poem.
other than that, I liked it a lot and I will read it again once you make some edits!
good work and good luck -
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Thank you very much! I will work on it right away! ^_^
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