A woman named Freddy

I watched my dear Freddy die in the
winter of '72. When the fire came, she crumbled
beneath the leather binding in the shoe box
below my bed.

Page twelve held her hair, "Strawberry
blonde sweeter than shortcake, pulling me in
with an undertow of wind placed strands."

Page nine caressed her skin, "Pale and
placid, just barely opaque enough to hide her
sorrow."

And on the final page, her eyes, "Green
and muddy, beneath blonde lashes that scorched
my own."

I will not stand your tormenting, my grief
is my own. I found friends where I could, even
within the ink of my pen. We must be the ones
to create our own companions sometimes in
this ever lonely world.

Author notes

I have no idea what this is. Perhaps it is only the poor, literary repercussions of my own loneliness. It is the story of a woman who creates a character named Freddy to be her friend, and watches Freddy perish as well.

A contest entry

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Comments


  • Mr Writer V.3
    November 17, 2007

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    coming 3rd in a Noel Coward impersonator contest

    Erm...to be honest I dont really know what to make of this because its got a feignable quality about it. By this I mean that it tries to fictitiously invent a sense of melodrama whilst trying to mimic the style and sense of prose that comes from a classical work. It does have an element of sadness but really lacks finesse.

    Its kind of trying to be a Noel Coward impersonator in a Noel Coward impersonator contest and coming third. Almost quiet there but no cigar.

    For reference look at W. H. Auden's work.

    beginning: 2, language: 4, plot: 2, ending: 2, dialog: 2, characters: 1.


  • Siby Anan
    June 20, 2007

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    Wow.

    I love your descriptions!

    "Strawberry blonde sweeter than shortcake, pulling me in with an undertow of wind placed strands." ~Awesome! It has a certain sadness to it that I really liked!

    "Pale and placid, just barely opaque enough to hide her sorrow." ~Beautiful.

    "Green and muddy, beneathe blonde lashes that scorched my own." ~Does this somehow refer to the fire? 'Scorch' is like...under that category, I think. [obviously I don't know what I'm talking about ]

    So she's burning away her memories of Freddy, her imaginary friend? I love it! Especially the end; leaving us to ponder over the truth of those words.

    ~Yume.


  • Bitter Irony
    June 20, 2007

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    Wow! That was a very original entry, and I enjoyed it very much! I love the way you left it a bit open ended, not explicitly stating what was going on. It gave it the feel of a horror-story. :-)

    I would suggest dividing this into paragraphs to make it easier to read, and also to give it stronger organization and the illusion of length. I know the point is to be short in this contest, but presentation is till important. It doesn't need to look short. :-)

    Amazing job! Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!

    beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.