Tied Knots

When my brother and I were nine and a half years old our dad was arrested, but unlike the previous times he was arrested this time he isn't going to have custody of us when he gets out. This time my brother, Wesavada, and I, William, were going to be living with our mom and two older half sibilings, Chelsy and Lawrence. Well there was also our step dad Larry.

We had stayed at their house for short periods at a time when our dad was arrested, but now we had to get used to the idea that daddy wasn't coming back. When we walked into their home the previous times we thought of it as a hotel now it was going to be our house. There are still those times when we look at the door still hoping that it is our dad coming to get us. Then one day our mom came into our room and sat with us; I was sure what she meant by saying,

"Boys, I know that this is hard on you, but you just need to think of this as an open book showing you a different chapter."

Today I know that she was trying to tell us that our dad wasn't coming back, but we still have a dad if we were willing to let him try.

Thursday was our birthday and we got the best present we could ever get; we got a new dad, we got Larry. Right now my mom and dad are at the courthouse handing in the adoption papers. Right now my sister is complaining about how now she has to share the computer with two more people. Lawrence, is not home right now, but a few weeks after we got here he was the first one to speak to us as part of the family. He said,

"Welcome to the family rope your knots have already been tied."

Author notes

hattie may
ran away
on a very dark day

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 16 of 16

  • GrimDeath
    May 27, 2008

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    Its good but it could have more descriptive words to speak to the reader and make them feel as if they are there. Other than that its good. Thank you for entering and good luck.


  • Shiki
    January 10, 2008

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    Hmm okay. firstly thanks for entering the contest yay Okay I tend to be harsher and more strict in contest so here goes~

    From a emotional point of view, the story is indeed touching but you lacked of desriptions word that really could make your readers cry. On this part you can Improve on it.
    From a story reader point of view I think this story is a little too short yep I agree with what abba say see "A cute little story, it leaves me wanting more. its very breif anf vague though, I think it could be built on, more detail, more emotion." Yes that's what makes a good story. If you can turn 1 event that is short into a long story, with lots of vivid details its good. But weight the possibilities of the reader's intrest as well too much isn't good

    Overall this is a good story but it can be much improved Good luck in the contest the competition is fierce

  • abba12
    October 4, 2007

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    A cute little story, it leaves me wanting more. its very breif anf vague though, I think it could be biult on, more detail, more emotion.
    Also, you change tense constantly through the story, and sometimes through the sentince, and you need to use commas in the story. For example the first sentince

    When my brother and I were nine-and-a-half years old our dad was arrested, but, unlike the previous times he was arrested, this time he wasn't going to have custody of us when he got out.

    See the differance there? I see from your age on the story that your only 10 so you're of course not going to be an expert on this. But if you would like some help you can message me. It just takes practice, and reading other stories, learning how they're written. You've done well.


  • Forgotten Anomaly
    August 13, 2007
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    It leaves a lot open. theres a lot of unexplaned things in this story. It's realy good overall. But next time id'e try going a little more into depth with the story. It could be the begaining of a very good plot.


  • Rosemary silver member
    August 10, 2007

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    Good story

    I wish it had more details. Why was your Dad in jail? How did he get custody when he was in jail before. What did everyone look like?


  • Bitter Irony
    July 19, 2007

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    The plot itself was great, pleasant and optimistic, but you need more details to make this publishable. Talk more about the father's arrest and what the foster family is like.

    Also, try to get rid of grammar errors: there are quite af few in this story, especially when it comes to commas. Don't change tense halfway through the story, either.

    I'd be interested in reading an expanded version of this story, but as it is, I'm goign to have to say it's unpublishable. Keep writing! Thanks for entering the contest!

    ~Bitter Irony

    beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 2, dialog: 2, characters: 3.


  • tutie7
    July 15, 2007

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    i love the whole comparason to a hotel. i did a lot of moving around as a kid and i could quite figure out a way to word the way i felt... but a hotel has a nice ring to fit what i was feeling. thanks...


  • Sunless Spirit
    July 15, 2007

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    So sweet! so sad! Tho I hate when stepfathers come in. The real fathers are the ones that help us live! lol
    I had feeling for this!


  • k8fairy
    July 1, 2007

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    Oh that is very sweet, I am not sure but I think you have made at least one mistake up there, try reading this aloud to yourself just to check.
    Very good! Good luck in the contest.


  • On.Cue
    June 25, 2007

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    Enjoyed the fact that you broke away from the depressed mood and went for the happy ending mood.

    Didn't enjoy the fact that there were several grammar mistakes, some changing the meaning of what you were saying, and that it was lacking a whole lot in details. You should add details, details, and emotions in there.

  • the shorty
    June 22, 2007

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    That was really good. I agree with just about everyone else... you could have gone for the depressing, 'stuck-in-a-tunnel-with-no-way-out' route. It was refreshing to read a story with such an optimistic tone about it. Nice Job!!


  • tacobell4me08
    June 20, 2007

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    This was good. It does need some work. I found a few mistakes is the gramar. I did enjoy the topic. It was an interesting story but it did lack some details. I would have liked it to be a little bit more interesting, it didn't have that WOW factor. It was good though. Thnks for entering and good luck.


  • travis34dietC
    June 17, 2007

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    instead of being dark and depressing like other stories with the same theme might be, this story was pretty optimistic, filled with hope.
    i also liked how you made the story from the kid's point of view. that was interesting!
    great ending! "Welcome to the family rope your knots have already been tied."

    thanks for entering and good luck!


  • sodancewithsoda silver member
    June 17, 2007

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    William.. I love how you put so much optimism and hope in your pieces. It is something most adults, including me, sort of lack but yes, sometimes, I do forget to hold on to that hope and optimism

    I'm glad you got a really beautiful birthday present belated happy birthday again, William! Thank you for sharing this with us!


  • LadyLionnir
    June 16, 2007

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    The ending was so good, the last sentence wrapped up the story nicely. You wrote it well, although I did notice you used the same phrase a few times...other than that, gooood job!


  • Taylor Renee
    June 16, 2007

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    I really liked this!!!
    It was great to read it in the POV of a kid that had to go through it, you know? My parents are divorced,and I have a stepdad too, so I kind of see what you're going through.
    It wasn't a prewrite!!! Great brownie points for that
    I'm guessing this is for the otion about a close family?
    Thanks sooo much for entering!!!
    Keep up the great work.
    xoxo
    Taylor

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