(Nigel's description (done for contest req.)-Nigel is a loner. Due to a speech impediment, he's never had any real friends. He's between 10-12 yrs old. He's learnt how social games are played, how people are judged on the clothes they wear, on their friends, on their haircut, hence he is mature far beyond his years).
They say when you lose an eye, the other one works better. Compensation, it’s called. Nigel smiled. He knew how it worked. A stutterer since birth, he’d learnt how to read people. He’d listen to what they didn’t say, see what they didn’t show. Compensation.
He, well, moved over the grass. Yes, moved. Too alert mentally to be trudging, too sluggish physically to be walking. He knew they were ahead. Was it a good day? Whispering, she nudged her. Laughing, they turned. Steadily, he moved on.
That was three years ago now. He knew self-congratulations was a luxury he had no time for. And as such, accordingly, no smile crossed his lips. He knew he’d worked hard for this moment. He knew how bad he had been. His friends, his parents, his own speech therapist couldn’t understand him. As cliche as he knew it sounded, it was time. Time for a change.
He bore no hate towards those who had mocked him, teased him. It was part of the game, it was in the rules. Had roles been reversed, he’d be no different. But now that he could talk, they’d accept him. They’d be his friends. They’d like him, and he’d go around to their birthday parties, and everything would be swell.
That’s the funny thing about the human spirit. It turns a molehill, into a mountain. Missing your morning coffee, turns into a reason for murder. Conversely, when you’re knocked down, you cling to the ropes. When you’re truly out for the count, you’re planning that knock out punch. Nigel truly believed, that with a bit of hard work and planning, he could get himself back into the game.
Zane was one of those pushovers, the type who couldn’t stand up to a strong breeze. He’d bend over backwards to help you. When Nigel asked if he could play, he wanted to say no. He knew Nigel as a freak, everyone else hated him. But, he was too nice. He conceded. Nigel was finally in the game. Bloodied, bruised and years behind everyone else, but he was in fighting. After Zane, they’d all fall. He’d already planned out his next birthday party. It was all going excatly as he planned. Best friends forever!!!!
Nigel never grew up to be anyone great, just another minimum wage, 8-till-6 worker. Once a fortnight he’d collect his disability allowance.
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Zane was one of those pushovers, the type who couldn’t stand up to a strong breeze. He’d bend over backwards to help you. When Nigel asked if he could play, he wanted to say no. He knew Nigel was a freak, everyone else hated him. But he was too nice. Fortunately, Dean interfered. In no uncertain terms, he told Nigel where to go. And it wasn’t on his team. Zane was glad. He didn’t have to be mean, nor did he have to put up with Nigel.
Nigel didn’t show up to school the next day. A group of primary school kids found him, washed up on the bank, just down from the falls. They found the note; “We will meet in the place where there is no darkness”.
Author notes
Hmmmmm. Tell me what ya think. Don't worry, I like harsh reviews. Be honest
A contest entry
- I'm a tough girl by MyaXhiroshi.
115 points, ended August 2, 2007, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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this started out really cool and i love the alternate ending thing... like one small change can mess up or make everything. i got kind of lost in the middle though.
i just think maybe the structure could be rearranged though i love the whole concept. -
ignore eyeambaldman, I agree with Zoldor wholeheartedly.
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Hmmm
Well, until Nigel met Zane, I was planning on saying "ANOTHER GREAT ONE! THis is my fourth comment, and you, sir, are a wonderful writer! Marry me?" But the endings... ehh. I like double endings, don't get me wrong. I expected the second one to be like 'Zane says no, Nigel works harder, Nigel becomes immensely successful in life." I'm glad I was wrong, but since both endings are negative, there's no moral, no reason to the story really, or at least not a hopeful one. Tell me if you plan to change it any, will you? -
Ooh, this kept my attention. In a good way. The characters aren't really too developed, nor do they need to be, as they're perfectly developed enough for the story. Good work!
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Wowzers! Thats amazing! I really liked the way you put Nigel seeing his future, and then he turned around to something completely different. Would you comment on my story and return the favor?
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I do like your writing style but I'd rather see more development here. I got a little bored reading this piece. Maybe it's just me (quite possibly) but I just wanted to see more things happen. It seemed like nothing really happened in this story (that's obviously not true but that's the perception).
I think to make this work you need to develop your characters more. We don't even hear from Zane until the story's almost over. This all needs to be introduced a bit earlier. Not bad but I'd like to see a ton more on this...develop the plot a bit more and, to me, it will make the ending more powerful. -
nice
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Wow, I loved this! Your writing style is so great too. It made me laugh, in some strange way. I loved the way you portrayed the characters. Keep up the great work!
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so sad.
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i feel so sorry/.
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sad!!!
Wow! This was terrible!! Not as in writing skill, but as in...made me feel really bad and wonder if there had been times when I treated those with disabilities as such that they did in the "game," which in fact all of us are in at this very moment. It really made me think, and it definitely put a twist/spin on the perspective that the average person has on life. Poor Nigel....why did you have to end it like that?!?!? Grrr....you have an interesting mind. Nonetheless, it was a great read, and I enjoyed the two endings although both of them made me feel extremely sad. You have a lot of talent, and I look forward to reading your other work. Keep up the great writing!
-code named 17 -
I emjoy this read very much. Thank you for shareing it
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The story was well thought out, very cleaver. I liked the double take ending that shows clearly that every action has a consequence. A lesson we all need reminding of occasionally...the only thing I felt the could be changed was that you gave up the ending to quickly its a great ending its the point of the story and I just felt it was given up cheaply. I would have liked to have seen Nigel disappear for a few days with search parties, police, volunteers possible sightings. Then the discovery of a body taken from the rocks at the fall, identification. The emotional affect on the family and then drop the hammer with note, the last twist of the knife. but that just me
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"His friends, his parents, his own speech therapist couldn’t understand him" - gosh I couldn't stand if that was something I had to live with. Oral communication is so important to me.. i guess i should value it even more
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good
good
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Curiosity, why do you have the first paragraph (descriptive) done in present tense and the rest in past? Was this intentional or an oversight?
There isn't much depth to the characters but you still have the readers attention,which is an accomplishment.
Confusion, you lead the reader to believe that there is a friendship between the two when there isn't, perhaps showing how it was more one-sided would elimnate that.
I would have liked to know more about the characters, themselves. More descriptives about Zane would help with that. I'd like to read it when you've made edits, let me know.
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Alright
Is Nigel a murder? Its not the worst story ever but what i would change is the ending since since it does leave some questions unanswered.Change the happy version of Nigel's life make the happy version more plausible instead of working for disabled people's rights just give him a girlfriend a fellow freak or something.If Nigel is a murderer then describe it make it visceral!. -
It Doesn't "suck." Don't do this to your work and to yourself. You have a decent idea here...and it might work very well. You simply have to be more careful with what you are writing...read it over...and correct it. (For example...first sentence...you have an extraneous "when" in there.("He didn't notice WHEN the looks, etc.") It threw me off. Then...please LISTEN to the voice of your story. And be very sparing with heavy duty words like "BLOODLUST!" They're kids! They don't have the compassion, the understanding,...they're mischievous, but BLOODLUST? They're not killers. (I hope). Then, I noticed a phrase: "Unknowing Gallows" The Gallows was unknowing? I know what you meant...but that wasn't the way to say it. Then you've got Zane as the subject of the next sentence...so when the following sentence occurs...the reader thinks it's Zane speaking. It wasn't. Be careful...to avoid confusion. (It was really Nigel who asked if he "could play!")But these are small things. The ending was a terrific idea...and it DOESN'T SUCK!
GA
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Oh my goodness! That's sooo sad, so very very sad, I almost cried! Good job though, really good job!
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