I cried today,1
I wish I could make you pay.2
My feelings are hurt,3
You always treat me like dirt.4
I should run in front of a car,5
Maybe I went too far.6
I know you love her,7
Maybe our friendship is over.8
I hate it when we fight,9
It's always in sight.10
I want to stop the pain,11
'Cause it's making me go insane.12
I wanted our friendship to last,13
But my tears are falling fast.14
I miss you already,15
Even though we're never going to go steady.16
I cried today,17
But I don't want to make you pay.18
I still hurt,19
And you still treat me like dirt.20
I cried today,21
Today I cried. 22
Author notes
Evalyn is Mew Zokuro. She has purple hair, and kitty ears!
Nicole
A contest entry
- I'm bored. ...Are you? by Taylor Renee.
350 points, ended July 26, 2007, 21 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Fandi Contest II - Poems by Asfand.
175 points, ended July 11, 2007, 34 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Make me cry by Hinata-is-me.
102 points, ended July 22, 2007, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Sadddd Poemmssss by MyZeroForever.
100 points, ended August 31, 2007, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Poet's Challenge: Round X by Asfand.
175 points, ended October 9, 2007, 21 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Poetry, Story's, Screen Play, Galore by Hinata-is-me.
175 points, ended October 27, 2007, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Contest of Depressing Poems! by Fervent-Author.
184 points, ended November 22, 2007, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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omg. this is really good! i love it! this is amazing!
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Co-Judge Callthexylophone
Ermm... I like the sweet simplicity of the opening and closing lines, "I cried today... today I cried." But the emotion you wanted to get across couldn't come through because your poem sounds a little juvenile. Granted, I don't know how old you are, but saying "I should run in front of a car, Maybe I went too far," is a little over the top and cheesy, because ..... is anyone really going to run in front of a car after being jilted by a crush? Anyway, keep writing! Practice makes perfect.
Title ~ 8/10
Depth ~ 6/10
Imagery ~ 8/15
Format ~ 6/10
Feeling ~ 4/10
Theme ~ 7/20
Flow ~ 11/15
Understanding ~ 7/10 I did understand it pretty easily, but you don't explain a whole lot what was going on or how in love you were with said person to cause such pain.
Total ~*~ 50/100 -
Interesting ~
A nice write ~
It was sweet and touching and the emotions were well displayed ~
The topic was simple, though I would have liked more creativity ~ as in something that would make me go "wow!" ~
The rhyming was extrememly stressed ~ the format got weird because of the flow and the rhyming and was not put to full effect ~
It was emotionally good but lacked imagery, format and ease ~
Remember, rhythm is very important ~
*car/far* *pain/insane* *already/steady*
The sentences with these in the end broke up the flow to pieces ~
Overall a nice one ~
Good luck and thanks for entering ~
Title ~ 8/10
Depth ~ 7.5/10
Imagery ~ 11.3/15
Format ~ 7/10
Feeling ~ 9/10
Theme ~ 16/20
Flow ~ 9.7/15
Understanding ~ 10/10
Total ~*~ 78.4/100
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thanks for the comment and everything. i know i am not the best poem writer out there, but i do try. i try to use every single thing that will help me get better at writting. i prefer writing stories and this poem was written back when i was a freshman. If yo'uve read my other stuff then you can tell that i am much more of a stoy writer then a poem writer. anyways, thanks a lot for the comment i will put it to good use!!
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I respect the fact that you can take criticism whole-heartedly ~
I only criticse when I know something can be made from good to great ~
Yes, Im a big fan of 'Flying Mermaids'
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Aww, I like this.
Sad, but exactly what I need.
bwah!
well good luck -
this was good. like the repeating of the today i cried thing. and i loved the last couple lines really exlpain everything. great job.
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oooh.......its nice.....its very emotional......i liked the topic u chose........its very original.......
gud job!!
CRITICISM
okay, the rhyming is srsly stressed......i mean half of the time, it seems like u had to cram the words inside.......
the dialogue was simple and effective and all i could find wrong was the rhyming..........in ur attempt to put in words that SOUNDED right, u sorta mesed up on the clairty of the poem......
other then that.....its evry nice!!!
CHEERS and GUD LUK!!! -
poem is adorable...very sweet!!
"My feelings are hurt,
You always treat me like dirt"
i like this one the most!!!
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How sad
I liked it.Really I do!Its so sad but I love it!I am going to read your other pieces of writing!
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This was a good poem. The emotions were present and it was pretty.
But sort of what Saej said, with the words. I think its the rhyming. That was really stressed and you just sort of tried too hard with it.
But other than that, it was good.
The flow wasn't bad, and I enjoed reading this.
Good job with it, and it was sad
Thanks for entering!!
xoxo
Tay
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hmm... that was good, though it could've been better. There were a couple choices in word usage I'm questioning, but other than that it was good. Good luck in the contest.
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Awwh =/ Sad. Meaningful.
Oh, also, NO RUNNING IN FRONT OF CARS, OKAY? -
alot of feelings in the poems, alot of sorrow also, a good read.
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