The Break-Up

As I looked at the string of saliva that made its way from the speaker’s tooth to her lip, I could not help but wonder if it would be extremely rude of me to leave as if I was going to the bathroom even though she only had about fifteen minutes remaining. She was informing us, the resident assistants for the 2005 – 2006 school year, about emergency procedures for evacuating the residence halls. I thought the solution was easy… just get out of the building, which was exactly what I was about to do. The couple a few of rows ahead were playing tic-tac-toe and Ashley, the heavy sat girl a couple of seats away, was obviously sleep behind her dark shades. Enough is enough… I am out of here. 1

I got up, walked through the doors, and into the hallway. I exhaled. However, it was not enough. I walked down the hallway and past the bathroom where the suffocating smell of freshly painted walls caught up with me. I felt sick. That is the worst thing about having to come back to campus early… nothing is ready: Buildings still in construction, central air not activated, and no one on campus who has energy to do anything at nightfall. Football players, dancers, track, amongst others all have to be here two weeks before school starts, and for what? Nothing but torture, practice, and seminars. I finally made it outside to catch the humid mystery of Louisiana heat with my cheek. I could almost feel the droplet of sweat being formed in my dimple. 2

“You look hot.” I nodded and turned to see the most handsome dark skinned man that I had ever seen, besides Morris Chestnut of course. I had seen him before, I think he is track coach but I am not sure. He opened the door and went into the building. I watched him through the glass doors until he disappeared around the corner. Yeah, I know. I should have said more. No need. I have a boyfriend, a boyfriend who loves me very much, even though he has not been showing it lately. 3

This summer was awkward when he came to visit. I admit I had developed a sense of independence. I did not have to call him for money because I had a job; in fact, I had rarely called him at all. This summer was a totally different experience for me. I hung out with my new found sorority sisters, I went to work, and then after all of that the only thing I had time for was a good night’s sleep with the body pillow I bought with my first pay check. When he came, he was an annoyance with a dick. The dick is good, great really, but he was just being ridiculous. I was trying not to be clingy, but it was like he wanted me to be clingy. There were times this summer where I knew I was trying too hard to be a good girlfriend and at those times, I felt as though I was being pushed away. I guess what we needed was those good two weeks between then and now. Things are better but not like before, our relationship, I can feel it, is taking a turn for the worst but still I am optimistic. 4

I sat on the steps waiting for my fellow co-workers when he came by me again. “Do you need help finding something?”5

“No.” I was confused.6

“I don’t mean to bother you but I know a lot of freshmen have trouble getting around this place.” He said. 7

“I am a senior.” I chuckled.8

“Really? I haven’t seen you before.”9

“I have seen you before.” He stood there for a while. I guess he was trying to figure out what to say next.10

“Well, maybe I will see you again.”11

“Maybe.” And with that, he walked away with a wave and a smile. I sat there under the somewhat shade of the colonial pillar of the building and watched him disappear around the corner and my boyfriend come out of the neighboring building. 12

“So, did you get all of your stuff into your room?” I said.13

“Yeah.”14

“Gimmie a kiss.” He looked at me with a look I had never seen before. It said, 'Why?' I waited.15

“Maybe later.” Maybe later. What the hell? I guess he must have forgotten that he was my boyfriend and that he is obligated to give kisses. But it’s ok. There will come a time he will want something and then I will say maybe later. Despite my thoughts, I nodded signaling ok. Just then, our co-workers came out of the double doors behind us.16

“Time for lunch.” Ashley said. We all walked over to the cafeteria and talked about various things at the table, one of them was the idea to have an outing, like the movies or something. After lunch, I went to my room to watch some television and fell asleep in the process. I woke up to the sound of my phone, the caller id said it was from the dorm office, meaning that it was Clayton, my boyfriend; it must be time for dinner. 17

As I said, things are not the way that they used to be. We do not really talk anymore or even act as if we like to be around each other. I think that he is one of the most stubborn and disagreeable people and I am pretty sure that he thinks the same of me but for some reason we are still together, pretending to be happy in the eyes of the public. Sad, I know, but then no one wants to be alone. After dinner, I snuck Clayton up to my room where we watched television for a while, and then we had sex. It was different. I did not feel anything… emotionally anyway and if I was not multi orgasmic I doubt if I would have stayed wet otherwise. 18

I think it is near that time for me to start averting my attention elsewhere. He is not for me. I remember this one time he told me of a dream he had once in high school. It was of his future, he met a girl in college and stayed with her until the end of his days, grandchildren and all, he thought I was that girl. There was one problem, the girl in the dream was the color of peanut butter and I am definitely Hershey’s Special Dark Chocolate… And every since he told me about that dream I have been trying to convince him and myself that I am the girl… but I am not. I have no choice but to come to that realization. Another reason, and probably the main reason why I am having all of these revelations about my almost three-year relationship… that bastard did not get me a gift. There is a tradition in the black greek world where after a person has received his or her letters they get gifts. It is as if you are being reborn and it is your first birthday. For his crossing gift, I bought him an afghan for a little over sixty dollars. What did I get from him? NOTHING. The rest of the spring semester, the entire summer, and now some of the fall semester and still no gift! His excuse is that he does not have any money and that is understandable… sometimes you have hard times. However… when you buy drink for your frat brothers, and when you come see me during the summer and you have NEW chains and rings and earrings… please do not take me for a fool. We just happened to be walking as I was thinking this and I became so enraged. I hit him hard.19

“What the hell is wrong with you?” He yelled as he rubbed his shoulder. “You hit me like you meant it!” 20

“Really? You think so?” I said. “You have no idea why I am mad at you, do you?” I yelled in aggravation as I stormed off.21

“I don’t care how mad you are at me! Don’t ever hit me like that again!” I guess he considered himself saying that with authority… I am not yo child negro.22

“Like it hurt!” I continued to walk off as we argued in the middle of the street, not turning back. Fucking asshole… I knew he could sense my anger through the seemingly playful gestures we have had through recent days. Whether or not he knows why I am angry? I know he doesn’t. My mom told me a long time ago that males by nature are rude and as long as I do not expect otherwise, love and relationships will be a lot easier. I do not even know why she told me that when she knows I do not listen to her and by time I remember what she said it is definitely too late. Lesson learned. 23

Friday hit and it was finally the weekend. Some of the other resident assistants and I sat outside Grambling Hall and discussed what we were going to do later that evening. We had come to a consensus that we would hit up the movie theater and the mall. After the meeting, Ashley and I took a walk around the campus. I was feeling very serene. It was not that hot, as far as Louisiana is concerned, and I had on a nice yellow linen dress with my brown thong platforms, headband, and Dooney & Bourke purse. I know I was cute. Just smiling and enjoying the day and all of a sudden, he came from around the corner.24

“Oh my goodness, it’s him.” I said talking trough my teeth.25

“Who is he?” Ashley said looking at him.26

“Don’t look straight at him. He is the track coach. I have had a crush on him since my freshman year.”27

“Well, it looks like he has a crush on you.” I averted my eyes and found myself staring right into his. He smiled. My heart jumped. As I raised my hand to wave, he nodded and made his way around Ashley and I. I felt like a high school girl. I kept telling myself not to turn around but I did and would you believe it he was looking back at me! There is nothing like some good eye contact to boost a person’s ego. I was smiling for the rest of the day… realize I said the day not the night.28

We left the campus around five to catch the last matinee show at the Pecanland Mall in Monroe it is only two dollars! We were all going to watch the five thirty Four Brothers. It was an ok movie, I guess, it let out before eight and before we knew it we wanted to see another movie, it was only four dollars! So... I get in line to buy a ticket to see The Skeleton Key and I notice that Clayton is off to the side.29

“Get in line so you can get a ticket.”30

“I’m not going.”31

“Why not?”32

“I do not have any money.”33

“You do not have four dollars?” He shook his head. You can probably guess what I was thinking while I stared him in the face. I have this thing when I get upset but do not say anything. I just stand there looking with my right eyebrow raised and a small snarl on my lip. The funny thing about it is that he had the nerve to jump at me with the same look. I just rolled my eyes to face the cashier and buy tickets for the both of us. 34

“I did not ask you to buy a ticket for me?”35

“It’s only four dollars.” I said handing him his ticket, “I need to do some shopping.” We walked about the mall, not saying a word, until I saw Wet Seal was having a sale. “Oh I’m sure I can find something in here.” I just felt the need to buy something to keep me from slapping the shit out that nigga. I picked out a burgundy sheer top with many silver thingies allover. It was hot and only about twelve dollars. I went to the fitting room while Clayton sat in the chair and waited for me to come out. When I came out Clayton just looked.36

“You must want a lot of attention.” I gave him that look again then I looked back in the mirror. I did not feel like I owed him any explanation for something so stupid. I do not need to dress certain way to get attention. If he only knew that, his own line brother asked me what was up earlier today. Small things like that keep me smiling from day to day. I bought the shirt along with some jewelry and got ten percent off with my Wet Seal card. I was content once again. 37

Since one set of resident assistants saw one movie and we saw the other, after ours let out, we all just waited for the other resident assistants. We talked and laughed about the boring seminars earlier in the week and then he pulled me to the side.38

“Ok, so what’s the problem?” Clayton asked.39

“Let’s not, here.” I started walking away.40

“I’m trying, Mi, just tell me what the problem is.”41

“My gift. I know it seems shallow but damn can I get a pin or something.” I was trying my hardest not to cause a scene or get loud.42

“A gift!” He obviously had no problem with causing a scene, “I told you I do not have any money!”43

“Oh, you don’t have any money?” I said tugging on his new Sean John shirt and flicking the earring on his ear.44

“I buy this shit for ME with MY money, YOU will get YOUR fucking gift when I decide to give it to you!” I backed up. I was not prepared for that. I just shook my head and walked to a chair in the food court with the other resident assistants while the entire mall stopped to watch. I sat there knowing that my relationship was over and pretended that everything was fine when I just wanted to die. We went separate ways from the mall. He went back to campus and I went to a barbeque that my frat brothers were holding. 45

When I got back to my room, it was around midnight. I was thinking if I should just wait. No. We have to talk. I called him.46

“Hey, come over here.”47

“Why?”48

“I need a reason for you to come see me?”49

“Sometimes.” I just sat silent, I could tell from the one-word responses he had been drinking. About a half-minute past. “I’m on my way.”50

“Thank-you.” I went down the stairs and sat in front of the dorm waiting. I‘ll just respond to him. He came from around the corner.51

“What’s up?” He asked. I could smell the alcohol on his breath despite his effort to cover it with mouthwash. I knew then that this would not be the opportune time for this particular conversation, but if he had been drinking at least he would actually expressing himself.52

“I am not happy with this relationship right now.”53

“Me either.” Damn that hurt. I wanted to cry, but I did not. 54

“So, what are we going to do about that?” I asked. He sighed55

“The real question is ‘Why are you not happy?’”56

“Lately you have been acting like our relationship is a burden for you?” I continued. ”I mean… I need a reason for you to come see me? What kind of bullshit is that?” Silence.57

“You act like you don’t want to do this anymore?” He mumbled. I did not hear him, so I said nothing. He looked at me and saw my head was bowed. He saw my pain and mistook it for cruelty.58

“You know what? This just isn’t going to work.” I lifted my head. I did not believe what I had just heard. I wanted him to repeat it but my pride would not let me ask.59

“Ok.” I replied and walked away into my residence hall. Before I made it half way up the stairs, I collapsed… I could not do it… I loved him too much. I ran back down the stairs and out of the door. He was gone. I ran to the side, maybe he had not made it to the corner yet, but he was nowhere to be seen. I ran up the stairs to my room and dialed his number. It was busy. I dialed for over two hours as my pain seeped from my eyes. Not one answer. I had decided I would go to his dorm and beg. I would go to his dorm and beg. As my hand wrapped around the doorknob my pride paralyzed me and I fell to the floor. My legs could not do it. My legs could not go over there. I crawled to my bed. My hands would not even let me pick up the phone. My hands would not pick up that phone. He’s not for me. He’s not mine. Let him go. Therefore, I began to try. 60