I never planned on being a killer. It was never really in me. When I was younger, about sixteen or so, I’d go hunting with my dad, I never shot the gun. He’d hound me about it, but I’d never pull that trigger. I guess everything changed after my girlfriend died in college.
You see she and I were everything. We spent almost every waking minute with each other. She wasn’t a big drinker or anything, but like all humans, she slipped up. We went to this party and she had a few too many. I hadn’t been there when she picked up the keys or when she took off. She ran herself off a bridge, died then and there. That was my first kill. My second and last was in my dorm, I had my dad’s .45 he gave me at my high school graduation. I died in my roommate’s arms.
Author notes
This just came to mind. I'm not a college student, nor to I consider myself a killer. Although, it does seem that majority of my stories do have a sort of death in them. This one included.
A contest entry
- Short Prose by Bitter Irony.
165 points, ended July 2, 2007, 18 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
-
wow!! i loved this!! its really really gud!!! the lenght is used to full advantage of leaving the reader in a sudden awe!!
very well done!!
CRITICISM
well....there were a few typing mishaps!! btu apart from that no criticism....i just loved it!!!
CHEERS!! -
the title says it all...lol
well, i guess that's really it. Not a good comment or bad. just...that's...well, it.
uh...keep on writing?
lol
xx
kayla
love yall -
Awesome!!
The title caught my attention ^_~
This is VERY well written. I mean it. I love the introduction and how it leads up to the climatic conclusion.
For the part about the narrator's girlfriend dying; she was 'killed' because she wasn't stopped, right?
And I really like the ending. Especially how he died in his roommate's arms.
Very nice! Keep up the awesome work!
-
Because you write about death and people dying like this one it does not naturally make one a killer. You may have ideas, scenarios and ways to kill but unless there is another side of you that does kill then you are not a killer.
Okay that out of the way this was really good, it is handy when things come to mind and they turn out amazing like this.
It was good how you said I died in my roommates arms, gave more depth and feeling into the peice and the lives he/she took.
Thanks for sharing and keep up the great work.
Lady Madeline.
-
interesting start
I'm not sure how many words you were allowed to use because it was a short prose contest but if word limit was allowed I would wonder about your main character's feeling of remorse or depression before he offed himself. -
So, what you're saying is that he killed her by not stopping her. Is that right?
Perfect for Bitter Irony's contest. Well done!
-
-
Yeah, that's how he saw it. He blamed himself. Thanks by the way.
-
-
Creepy... It's so sad that he felt responsible enough to kill himself.
-
wow i really liked this. its very good. you should write more to this. i loved it. good job. keep it up.
-
Great story. You have a nice writing style. It was a short and good story. Are you going to expand this?
-
Before I even read the story, I want to say this: amazing title. :-)
I like your introduction. It gives a good feel both for the character and also sets up a feeling of dread. "When I was younger, about sixteen or so, I’d go hunting with my dad, I never shot the gun." I think you're missing a word before "I never": "but", perhaps?
"You see she and I were everything." You needa comma after "see."
Nice twist at the end. However, I suggest creating a new paragraph at "My second and last..." to slow down the action a little. Otherwise, it seems a bit too sudden.
Great job! Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
-
This is normal for you?
Your contests always seem so upbeat I felt that this was out of the norm for you. I guess I need to read more of your stories to get a better picture of your style. This, I am sure, is short because of the contest. It seems like there should be so much more to the story, but it is powerful for a shorty. Are you going to expand it later?
Andy
Adding your comment:
1 - 12 of 12
