"You can leave now, baby," Mother said, holding the knife next to Julian's eye.
The door was open and the sunlight streamed inside, golden and inviting. That was the exit, away from my mother's final step into the unforgivable.
Julian stared at me, his mouth gaping open, his sunken eyes wide and pleading. I looked down at his hands, his thin and bony hands, still clutching the piece of bread he'd stolen this morning.
Mother said that Julian didn't deserve any extra food. It was his punishment for being the bad one.
I turned away from them and walked towards the door, blinking away the image of his naked and emaciated frame.
As I stepped over the threshold, I heard the high, wailing shrieks begin eminating from the kitchen.
Author notes
You know, I don't come from an abusive family, nor have I ever suffered any neglect, yet somehow all I ever want to write about is fucked up, horribly abusive and twisted families.
Weird.
A contest entry
- Short Prose by Bitter Irony.
165 points, ended July 2, 2007, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - 150 Words or Less by werner1221.
121 points, ended July 22, 2007, 17 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Very dark...but very excellent! (:<
I like how you wrote this, giving the perfect amount of detail. It had bitterness, abuse, and most importantly...EMOTION!
I am finding more and more with emotion these days and it is making me very happy!
Good job!
~Len
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Merely Perfect :)
Wow, this was really good. It was intense, and i couldn't take my focus off of it for the netire time. I liked the part: "That was the exit, away from my mother's final step into the unforgivable." The wording was great, and the entire story really grasped my attention. It takes a pretty good writer to do that considering my short-attention span lol. Now, I'm just undecided if the story would be better left like this, short and suspenseful, or if it would be better continued on to a book full of these short and supenseful moments. I guess either way the story is still simply amazing, so all around i got to say, this was merely perfect.
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i loved the way you wrote this and i think that the story you have said is really sad and from someone who has had no experiance in this is really good!! loved it
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wow. Completely horrible! Not the writing, but that she walked away from such neglect. But I guess that was your point... Great work here. Keep it up!
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Oh my God, I'm thrilled and completely horrified at the same time. How awful that she would just walk away like that--family shouldn't do that to each other...Although I guess that's the point of this whole thing; it's an abusive family.
You gave just enough information to let the reader know what's going on, and for them to want more. I know I would definitely love to read on. With this kind of emotion that you've evoked from me, I'd love to read a continuation of this.
Great job, looking forward to more from you!
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Very deep,
I enjoyed reading this. It was very powerfull and like I said very deep. I agree with everyone below too Twisted and thrilling. I thought this was great for such a short story! Keep writing!
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 3.
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oh... my.. god..
wow, this was deep. i felt twisted into a horror about an angel and a devil... i really, really, REALLY don't know what to say. kind of freaky yet acceptable at the same time. i'm glad you explained that you're not abused, because when i started reading this i was like oh crap, it's another abused kid. not that i don't like them, but some people pretend to be them and it's not funny because it's a serious matter. anyway. good story, you should continue. -
Whoa! This was so twisted! I gave me a wonderful insight in such a short space of time/writing. Absoloutely thrilling! I feel sorry for Julian.
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Whoa okay...that short prose seriously repulsed but caught me. Your work always does. XD Brilliant for such few words! I'm cringing as I imagine the next scene after this!
- HT -
Wow...don't mean to sound as twisted as the families you like to write about...but, I really would like to see how this story ends...What made Julian become the bad one? Does the narrarator go back and save his brother? Why the hell is the mother so crazy? Wow...this was really good.
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Funny what the mind can work up isn't it? Wether you suffer this or not there is always that part of you that has a knack for creating it inside your head, like a hidden memory.
Short but it has alot of imagery and made me shiver with the thought of this happening. It also rose the question of what he did to be the evil one.
Keep it up
Glad to see this won a trophy.
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You know your authors notes made me laugh and feel warm, warm to the fact that I am in the same boat- I feel the same.
As far as full on abuse and neglect goes I dont suffer at all, but I find myself writing about it over and over and over - it fuels me I love it...
And I love this story in all its short glory- It was shockingly depressing and made me feel terribly for the boy.
Well done at pulling my heart strings and tangling them up !!!
Good work
Blair
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wow, this was deep, I cannot imagine being in the place of that child, although I don't come from and abusive family, but this was really well written, I could almost see the fear in that little boys eyes. This was really good. But why did his brother walk away? was he afriad of the same fate. Really good job.
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Wow. This is sad.
I don't come from an abusive family either. Though this is a short peice, it instills a powerful deeper meaning inside me, and probably other people too. It made me want to cry. There are twisted, horrible families out there, probably even worse than the one you described in this story. It makes me want to scream, and take out anyone who's ever abused anyone else. This piece was striking and awe-inspiring all at once, and it makes me want to write one as well. Great job! Extremely Great job! *high fives and kudos*!
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Wow. I wanna read more. Imma see if there is another story on ur page later... This rocks. I HOPE THERE ARE CHAPTERS
~Adelina~
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I like this. This has so much potential to bloom into a story or even a novel. I like your use of words. Keep up the fantastic work.
~Blazing Writer~
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I liked it, although I don't usually read this genre. It had a real voice, and I actually kinda got shivers...not usual for me. Kudos
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very nice ending. *shivers run up and down my spine* gl in the contest!
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I like it
But I'm not so crazy about the ending =-\
The mother's laughter just seems misplaced. I dunno. Maybe it was just the presentation of it?
I think my problem with it is that "we" head out the door, but then our first-person narrator describes something that the mother does, rather than what he/she hears. I woulda ended it with something describing the screams and the laughter, rather than stating that the mother and the brother laugh and scream, respectively
But I dunno if that helps. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it pulled me out of the scene, because I want to know what the M.C. does -- what he/she hears, feels, sees, does, rather than what the mom and brother do.
But that's just me.
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hmmmm
How about....
"As I stepped over the threshold, I heard the high, wailing shrieks begin eminating from the kitchen."
Do you think people would get that it's the boy shrieking and not the mother?
Anyway, thanks for the constructive criticism. I appreciate your help! :-) -
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I kinda like the ambiguity
You could make an argument that the shrieks are both of the boy (screaming) AND the mother (laughing)
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This was very well done. Awesome job with this here. Good luck in the contest. God Bless!
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Nicely detailed and has a voice. Good work! ^_^
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This is a very good example of "less is more" in writing. Very disturbing and very well described. Nice work.
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Wow! That was excellently creepy--great job at using the word limit to full advantage. I doubt you could make this story any creeper with more words: its' great as it is.
One thing I suggest, though: get rid of the passive tense. In such a short work, you don't have time to waste on saying "Julian was staring at me." Say he stared at you. Don't say the door "was" open: say sunlight streamed through the open door, golden and inviting.
Nice job! Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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dangling modifiers
"Sunlight streamed through the open door, golden and inviting" -- ambiguous, IMO. Is the open door golden and inviting, or is the sunlight?
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