Falling Tears

Tears stain these pages as I write;

In the background I can hear my friends fight.

Oh dear Grim Reaper come with your scythe;

For I've nothing to live for in this life.

I close my eyes and dream of death;

I'm closer now then I ever was with meth.

Wrap our black robe around me;

For there is nothing I wish to see.

I am so close now so very close;

Maybe just one last dose.

All I have are my fantasies and dreams;

Maybe it's not as bad as it all seams.

I cut myself now and I feel nothing;

I cut myself then and I feel everything.

Still alive;

Able to survive.

Save me now before I do anything more;

Then you can lower the sore.

Even when you call;

My tears still fall.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments


  • Asfand
    June 30, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    well.....at first a hearty congrats.....its a gud job!!! i think what u meant to say was clear throughout!!! i liked it alot.......the starting was gr8 and this is the first poem where i felt that the verses ranw ith a flow!!!! so yay!!!!

    nice job!!!

    Criticism:

    well....taking a critical view, i'd have to say that the poem topic was a little cliche.........um.....its the same thing u see everywhere aint it........

    i didn't love the ending so much.......but it wasnt bad........so overall and excellent job!!!

    CHEERS and GUD LUK!!!


  • Aaez
    June 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    i think ur poem ur fantastic..tho i have to agree on bitter irony for the last verse..didnt exactly wow me! tho the rest of the poem did!! good look on the contest!


  • Bitter Irony
    June 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    The first thing I have to say about this poem is pick one meter and stick with it: if your first few lines all have eight syllabes, make sure all the lines have eight syllables.

    Your rhyming in this poem felt natural and unforced: good job.

    You missed a comma after "oh" in the third line. Also, instead of "sife," I'm almost positive you meant to say "scythe."

    Your last lines were, unfortunatelly, the weakest of the poem: they weren't too original, and thus they fell flat. I suggest rewriting them, possibly using the opportunity to call attention back to your main theme. Your title might be in for a change as well: "Falling Tears" is a bit of a cliche, and with such an original poem as this, I'm sure you'll have no problem thinking of a better title.

    My verdict: not publishable, but it could easily be made that way. Work on the meter, the title and the final lines, and I'm sure you could wind up with a poem that any teen or dark poetry magazine would be happy to publish.

    beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 2, dialog: 2, characters: 2.