Suicidal

Life. Death. What’s the difference? No one really knows. Love. Hate. What’s the difference? No one really knows. If the meaning of life is love, then the meaning of death is hate, right? You hate your life so much that the only way out is death even though you’re loved. People think I’m an ordinary person. Ordinary life. Ordinary parents. Ordinary. What is ordinary any way? It’s kind of like normality, I think. But I hate being normal. I want to stand out. But every time I try, I stand out less and less.

Why is it, that I had to be the one to find my sister’s body hanging by a rope tied around her neck? She was gently swinging, even though there was no breeze coming through the open window. Rachel was, by far, my favorite person in the world. She understood me. Our parents never really understood us. After Rachel had killed herself, my mother never stopped crying. She was always crying. She cried when she was cleaning, cooking, and sleeping, if that’s even possible. My father, however, went into a silent shock. He never spoke again, not to any of us, that I could see. Well, that was until I cut myself. I remember exactly what happened that day.

My brother, Rick, had come home from college. It had been a long time since we all sat down to dinner together. Now the only one missing from here was Rachel. Mom had made hot ham sandwiches, peas and mash potatoes with gravy. I excused myself and got up to go to the bathroom. I saw a razor shinning on the counter next to the marble sink. It probably always sat there and I just never gave it much thought. I picked it up. I was mesmerize by it’s sharp, silver, metal edges. ‘How beautiful,’ I thought. I moved the shiny silver razor gracefully over the skin of my arm. I started turning my arm, with the cool metal gliding so elegantly across my smooth pail skin, I felt weird, like my skin was being caressed, then I just started to feel. It felt as though I had just started to really, and I mean, really feel. I felt the pain that Rachel felt. The pain that we never knew about. Effortlessly the razor went deeper and deeper, and with a swift movement of my hand, it happened.

Blood started spilling from my wrist, it was warm and tingly. Then slowly, it seemed, I slit my other wrist as well. I fell to the floor hard, I must have made one heck of a loud noise. The razor fell from my hand with a soft thud on to the floor. I could see my blood starting to stain the cobalt tiles of the bathroom floor crimson. I felt like I could just sleep. It was like I was in another world.

My brother, Rick, told me that my father pushed the door open and rushed in, nearly slipping on the blood flowing swiftly from my wrists. He caught himself with the bathroom counter and the door jam. Dad grabbed a couple of mom’s elegant white towels and fell to my side. He tried to stop the blood from flowing out of my veins. Our mother was crying so hard in the doorway and Rick said he ran to called 9-1-1.

I faintly heard sirens coming from somewhere, maybe from up the street, I really wasn’t sure. According to my brother, the paramedics hurried into the house, down the hall into the bathroom, our father then slumped down and sat on the edge of the emerald tub, silent tears were falling into the blood soaked towels he was still clenching. Mother was crying hysterically onto Rick’s shoulder.

The paramedics wrapped up my blooded wrists, hoisted me onto the stretcher, and hurried me outside to the ambulance. I could scarcely register what was even going on. I couldn’t even see. Everyone was yelling. We were moving up the road with the sirens piercing the autumn air.

I was no longer living at home by this point of my life. Especially not after what my parents did to me. Being sent to a psychiatric ward at the hospital for about fifteen months doesn’t really make me love my parents. Even though they visited me almost everyday, they never looked at me the same. It was as if they were looking in a coffin. As if some how I had just slipped through their fingers like Rachel had. My mother killed herself five months after I was admitted to this asylum. It tore my father to shreds. Three months after my mothers funeral, he was admitted to the hospital for depression.

Rick got careless. He wasn’t taking care of himself anymore, I think he was also in a depression of sorts. He went out and got himself inebriated numerous times, which only started his problems. I was told, while in the asylum, that he didn’t show up for work at least two weeks in a row because he was always smashed. Then on one cold, snowy, December night, with the roads frosty with ice, Rick ran head on into a semi truck. The damage was calamitous. They, the psychiatrists, allowed me to go to Rick’s funeral. His body was never seen at the wake. They told me that it was too malformed to show it at the funeral service. I was broken hearted to hear that I was never going to see my older brother again. He was such an idiot. He had so much more going for him then any of us, that is before the issue with Rachel.

I tuned twenty-five years today. I don’t have anyone to share it with. My father killed himself by tying his bed sheets around his neck and suffocated himself two days after he was admitted. That was a feeble way to go, considering my mother torched herself. I guess my mother wanted to feel the pain that Rachel felt. My father, on the other hand, wanted to feel my mother’s touch. I am now the only one left from my family. The last Ranticarte left.

Five years after I found my sister swinging like a puppet but with no puppeteer, I was accused of killing her. They said that because I killed her, my parents killed themselves. According to them, I was responsible for three deaths. I don’t understand how they could think I would possibly kill the one person who always understood me. I never even understood myself. Rachel was more than my sister, she was my best friend. I don’t even know why she would kill herself. I guess that’s why they thought that I did it. Because no one really knows why she hung herself.

I started thinking more and more about what happened and I’m not really sure that she would hang herself. Maybe it could have been someone else that tied the rope around her neck like a noose and hung her from the ceiling fan. Maybe it could have been someone that broke into the house. Or, maybe she did. Why Rachel, why? That’s all I can ask in this disturbing empty room full of musty air. And, as always, I never get an answer. That’s all I want, is for Rachel to answer me. Sometimes, I don’t even care how. I want her to answer the question that everyone has been asking for five years. She was only fifteen. She ended her life with out even telling us why. I wonder if she had told anyone what was wrong or what was going on with her. Nobody seemed to know why, or no one wanted to say anything about it. She did leave us a note. It was short. Very, very short indeed.

“Mom, Dad, Rick, Jake

I love you all

Please remember me in all happiness

Love,

Rachel”

I didn’t even know who it was swinging from that fan at first, until I saw that glimmering ginger hair flowing down her back and that sweet, sweet angelic face. I didn’t want to love her after I saw that Rachel, my little sister, had hung herself. Around and around she went. Where she stopped, everyone knew. They all asked, but never me, or my parents, how a sweet little girl, with good grades, a good family, and a good life, could ever swing from a fan as if she was a pirate at the gallows. She was complete, I guess. What problem could she have had that was so bad, no one knows, I guess, but she is complete. Oh, how I miss you. My baby sister.

Still, even though I know that I will never, ever see anyone again, I want to ask her, “Why Rachel? Your broke our hearts. Mom cried incessantly, Dad never spoke, he was sent to the hospital for depression, Mom, Dad and Rick killed themselves, I was admitted to an asylum, and now I’m here in a cell. Why did you brake up our tremendous family? We were happy. Weren’t you? I wish you would answer me, Please! ANSWER ME !!”

Rachel always looked happy. Maybe she was happy on the outside, but miserable on the inside. How sad our little town was to find out that little Rachel Ranticarte killed herself. No one wanted to say good-bye to Rachel Ranticarte. She brought light and joy to our town. Even in the hardest of times that we have had. Could we have done something wrong? And if we did, what?

She had a good life, but she destroyed it with a simple rope. Why must there be death and sadness? Why can we all live and be happy? I guess it is just the way of life.

Suicide. I’ve never used this word before. It’s interesting to think that anyone can commit suicide. Even if that person is really loved. But why they would kill themselves is another question.

It is too bad that we shall never meet. This is probably my last letter to any one, and I don’t even know your name. Just hold out, and you will make it. Me, though sadly, shall never make it out of here alive. At least I won’t end up killing myself. Thank God that I am alive. Even if it is only for about seven hours. Don’t be sad because I’m going to die on my birthday. So now I shall say good-bye to you, who ever you are. Good-Bye.

Author notes

I would like to thank everyone who has commented on this story. It really means a lot to me that you take time out of your day and read my very first actual story. It helps me become a better writer and makes me feel more....wanted. Thank you, everyone.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 44 of 44
  • Nickle28
    October 11, 2007

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    Meh

    It just doesn't sound real, i read three paprgraphs and it annoyed me, no offence, it just sounds like someone asking for attention in a sick twisted type of way. i spose im a bit of a harsh critic. also watch the spelling, its a bit of a turn off. overall it was alright, work on it.


  • darkpaintedreams
    October 5, 2007

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    Oh my, I love this. It is a bit repetitive like some others said but it didn't make it hard to read or anything. Its really sad they all took their lives but I'm sure that happens in this world. Great job on this and good luck in the contest.


  • sheatethewholeworld
    September 30, 2007

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    whoa, pretty fucking intense right there. you really show the worst case senario when the ripple effect of suicide takes hold. and i realy enjoyed the ending, didnt quite expect jake would be convicted. in terms of the repetitiveness, have you ever read 'the virgin suicides'? if so, you'll appreciate that repetition is okay, if not needed in stories like this. beautifully written. overall, a heck of a good write, you deserve every trophy you got, well done.


  • asthray.heart
    August 30, 2007

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    This....was good. A little repetetive in a few places, and unless they were a close knit family I seriously doubt they would all take their lives, and in the ways they did.

    Grammar needs worked on here, plus it could be a little more slowed down.

    Tnks for entering and goodluck.

    ~Lady Madeline.


  • Stegofreak
    August 29, 2007

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    This was an extremely interesting and well worked piece. I loved how you dealt with all the emotions and worked in the different characters’ emotions without letting any of it flood the story.

    If I might have one gripe with it, it is that at some points it seemed a bit on the fast side, like there could have been a line or two more in some places. However, it was a story I asked for and a great story is what you gave.


  • Greeneyes15
    August 22, 2007

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    WOW. that's seriously about all i can say right now. You almost had me in tears, they were almost there!! that was sucha sad story and it was written so well!! great job. i loved it a lot. thank you so much for entering my contest and good luck!

    peace&love,
    greeneyes


  • ladynigritude
    August 22, 2007

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    "You hate your life so much that the only way out is death even though you’re loved." - Oooh, your first paragraph was brilliant!!

    "I was mesmerize by it’s sharp, silver, metal edges." - "MesmerizED" and "its" without an apostrophe.

    "my smooth pail skin, I felt weird" - Should be "pale" and there should be a period where the comma is after skin, otherwise this is a run-on sentence.

    "Blood started spilling from my wrist, it was warm and tingly" - These should be separate clauses, so put either a period or a semicolon (I think a semicolon works better) where the comma is.

    "I fell to the floor hard, I must have made one heck of a loud noise." - Similar problem; in this case, put a period where that comma is.

    "According to my brother, the paramedics hurried into the house, down the hall into the bathroom, our father then slumped down and sat on the edge of the emerald tub, silent tears were falling into the blood soaked towels he was still clenching." - At the "our father" part, it should either be a new sentence or you should put "AND then our father"...Also, in the "silent tears were falling part," it should be "AND silent tears".

    "The paramedics wrapped up my blooded wrists" - Should be "bloody" or "bloodied".

    "My mother killed herself five months after I was admitted to this asylum." - Gah! That was completely unexpected...

    "He had so much more going for him then any of us, that is before the issue with Rachel." - Should be something like "any of us; or, that WAS before the issue with Rachel" or something like that. This is because "had" is a past-tense word (and you're telling this story as it has already happened), and "is" is a present-tense word. You have to be careful not to change tenses.

    "I tuned twenty-five years today" - "TURNED" and "years OLD" (or you could take out the "years" and leave it as "I turned twenty-five today").

    "That was a feeble way to go, considering my mother torched herself." - D: Oh geeze...

    "Five years after I found my sister swinging like a puppet but with no puppeteer, I was accused of killing her." - Whoa...

    "Around and around she went. Where she stopped, everyone knew" - Wait, what? Where did she stop...?

    "They all asked, but never me, or my parents" - This is phrased awkwardly. Perhaps you should write it more like "they all asked--but never to my family's faces--etc etc" or "they all questioned"...At least, I think that's what you meant to convey. Is this sentence trying to say that "they" never asked the main character/parents about it, or that the MAIN CHARACTER/PARENTS were the ones who never asked the question?

    "Why did you brake up our tremendous family" - Should be "break"

    "At least I won’t end up killing myself. Thank God that I am alive. Even if it is only for about seven hours." - I'm glad that this isn't one of those typical stories about how the main character kills her/himself in the end. Those three sentences were perhaps the most powerful sentences in this story (besides your amazing first paragraph!)

    Overall this was a very interesting story with a few good twists in it. My only complaint about the story (besides the little grammar/punctuation/clarification errors that I've already pointed out) is that toward the end, you spent a lot of paragraphs going on and on about how the main character didn't understand why Rachel killed herself. You only needed, at maximum, two or three of these to get the idea across, and after that it starts to make the story dragged-out (drug-out? Well, you get the idea) and boring. I'd suggest editing/rewriting those last few paragraphs and keeping only the good ones.

    Anyway, I hope I've helped you and thank you for entering my contest!

  • ohemeegeeay
    August 3, 2007

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    This was really good. There was a lot of emotion in this, and it was presented well.There were some really, realy good sentences in this.

    The only problem I had was that it seemed slightly over-dramatic, and unbelievable. Apart from that though, it was good.

    Thanks for entering. Good luck.

  • Madison Mary
    August 3, 2007
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    *speechless*


  • xhappyxrainbowsx
    July 26, 2007

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    This broke my heart.

    I am dealing with self-injury. My mother has attempted suicide two or three times (the last time I found her and had to call 911).

    All of this hit home, and that is something that I admire in a story. If you can make it hit home with people, then you've done a damned good job.

    Thank you for entering!


  • mr write
    July 26, 2007

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    i...i feel your pain. that was amazing. probably the best writing i've read on this site. i thought i could write depressing things but compared to this my stuff's like flowers in a meadow. very good and good luck in the contest.


  • LostSoulOfRage
    July 16, 2007
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    i have already commented on this.


  • Frozen Angel
    July 14, 2007
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    OH MY GOD
    It is sooo good. I love it!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • dippedquilpen
    July 12, 2007

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    Wow

    The beginning was perfect for this. It kept me in suspense and was well-written. It was depressing but that made it seem realistic becuase it was so powerful.


  • DemApples
    July 9, 2007

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    umm i don't really understand this me beingyoung and all so i can't judge this with my full mind better luck in the other contests though


  • Tashabambam
    July 9, 2007

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    W-O-W
    Truthfully it might be a little too depressing but I only think that because I am a really happy person. I started crying halfway through so it has to be really good.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Siby Anan
    July 8, 2007
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    Congratulations! ^_^


  • Phoenix Orion
    July 8, 2007

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    You need more of a break in the layout of the story when you say "I am no longer living at home." Either put more spaces, or put a line of "-------" or "*******" or something like that to show that there is a jump.

    when you talk about your father killing himself I think you mean "That was A feeble way to go," not "That was feeble way to go."

    "The last Ranticarte left," a little redundant.

    When you start talking about being accused its "Themselves" not "Them selves." Same paragraph its "Rachel was more than," not "then."

    when you are asking the questions, you say "I'm here in a sell," but it should be "cell."

    I liked this, it was very well written with a few typos, but I have a question...How is the character going to die if he won't kill himself? And even more so, how does he know he is going to die. (It is a he isn't it, thats the vibe I got, but now I'm not too sure...).

    This was a good story, but it wasn't quite as focused on the character itself as I was hoping, it was more focused on suicide and the family.


    • sly fox
      July 24, 2007
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      ur second questiont is first. It is a he. that's what i wanted it to be. and i would figure that him saying that he wouldn't kill himself would mean that someone else will. this story is about how he got there. not how he is going to die. some would think that he is on death row. but he's not. others would think that he was sentenced to life in prison. if i did have to choose between two ways he could die, it would be life in prison. of old age or disease.


  • On.Cue
    July 7, 2007
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    Hey =)
    I've already commented on this from my other recent contest. I was hoping for entries I haven't read. But erm, yeah. Hmmm, same comment as last time =)

    This is truly a good piece of work, but I don't like to give throphies for a story more than once...so, yeah. But thanks for entering =)


  • LadyLionnir
    July 5, 2007
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    This was one of my favorite depression/suicidal story here, as wierd as that sounds. It had originality and an uncommon tragedy...good job. Good luck in the contest and thank you for entering.


  • sly fox
    July 3, 2007
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    nummer

    This is on Number 4, Dark, adn under suicide, opbviously.


  • k8fairy
    July 3, 2007

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    Legallt speaking, the main character could never have been accused of being the course of the mother and the father's suicide even if the main character had physically hung his sister. Sorry I know that is in no way relevant to the story, I just can't help lawing (I'm studying it, sorry). But I think your story is beautiful, to me it is like an allogory (I think that is the word) for when a family member or close friend kills themself and a you feel you are the cause, only instead of just thinking it themselves here the main character is blamed by everyone, which is kind of how you feel, even if nobody is really blaming you at all. Very good, wonderful stuff!


  • Asfand
    July 1, 2007

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    wow......im in shock.......its weird and scary and frightening and *shudders*

    literature wise........this was very well-written....the wmotions were very clear and detailed....so much that they're scary!!!

    well.....its sooooo sad.......very gud job!

    CRITICISM

    uh......a lil tooo pessimistic.......i was really really sad......it was really touching but a lil toooo pessiimistic........

    toher then that!!! azaming!!!

    CHEERS and Gud LUK!!!

  • Siby Anan
    June 28, 2007

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    This is just straight up fantastic. The emotions are so detailed and it makes you feel the same things as the narrator. Also, I really like how you detailed everything and described everything.

    The ending was what I especially liked. It's so untypical. Except for a few grammar errors and spelling errors, this story is fantastic and put together very well.


  • Ziee..
    June 28, 2007
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    I loved this story just as much as i did the first time i remebered it.. i feel so sorry for the person, everyone in their life died or killed themselves.. and i have to admit.. i have felt at times a little liket his.. not sucidal, just.. asif the world has turned away from me.. and everything in my life has left me.. but seriously.. i loved it. good luck in the contest


  • Token Massacre silver member
    June 27, 2007

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    I think the beginning would have more of an impact if it wasn't repetitive. Perhaps rewording it would help.
    Watch putting too many ideas within a paragraph. Focusing on different people or events is a good hint to start a new paragraph.
    You hae a good foundation. A little polish could do wonders.
    Watch putting in the wrong word at times. Spell checks won't catch those since it's not technically a typo.
    blooded instead of bloodied for example. You give good description and build your characters well.
    Good work


  • Sunless Spirit
    June 27, 2007

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    you entered this 2 times right? I got a note that you did. anyways nice story sad story. goodly written. good luck in my contest


  • zuniac
    June 27, 2007

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    very sad

    I really liked this story. Although depressing, it had a real life feel to it. It seems that one person could never handle that much grief in life, yet I am sure, they have. Very good emotion throughout the piece, and I am very glad that I read it. Thanks for a great read, and hope to read more of your stuff very soon.


  • zuniac
    June 27, 2007
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    very sad


  • Sunless Spirit
    June 26, 2007
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    WHY am I only getting sad stories in my contest!!!
    Anyways, sad story. really sad


  • Springs gold member
    June 26, 2007

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    Right, ooer this girl's certainly been through the wars =/
    You covered quite a few of the different stages of stress due to a death during this, which I found quite good, if a little amusing (I'm a cruel sod and hard to get emotive).
    Your beginning was great. It's the way most people feel at certain stages in their life.
    Is the writer supposed to be trying to kill themselves with the razor? Because if the razor was just 'gliding' etc, quickly over the skin, you wouldn't create the ammount of blood that fast- you have to get to the main artery, which is very hard to get to (trust me on that one.) A stab after the normal cut would've expressed more pain and needed to be stiched, prehaps.
    I think after the actual 'Love, Rachel' you should have ended it. It would've been a short and bitterly sardonic ending. However, you decided to continue, so I read on.
    The ending you decided on was good, though it could've been shortened to just a paragraph or line after Rachel's letter.
    The ending you decided on, was predictibe.
    Also, after all the deaths and stress, most readers would want a happy ending, so there's that to consider.
    Anywho, thanks for enterting, good luck =]


  • Aaez
    June 25, 2007

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    OMG!!! I think im bout to cry!!!
    the ending is so fantastic! i was a little wierded out that everyone killed themselves...but it was a really really good story!! i love it, like hell!!!!!
    ALL the best for the contest!!!!
    thanks for entering!!! The last paragraph sounds very intense....you made the whole story seem as if you've been through the whole thing..it seems very very natural!! good luck once again!!!


  • Phantasmix
    June 25, 2007

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    Sometimes the perspective got a little confusing however, it's a beautiful piece and I definitely want it in my compilation book. Please give me a pen name you'd like to be known as.

  • On.Cue
    June 22, 2007

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    I'm speechless in a very good way.
    Wow and amazing are the only two words that come to my mind. Well, great, and emotional, and very well written as well.

    This was amazing. Thanks for entering my contest =)


  • asthray.heart
    June 20, 2007
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    This was weird.

    Thanks for entering and goodluck

    Lady Madeline.


  • X-SaNiTy-AsSaSsiN-x
    June 18, 2007
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    wowness.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • Ziee..
    June 16, 2007

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    Wow.. Blimey, this story was... amazing, i loved the feelings you created and its a very sad story, i loved it..

  • LadyLionnir
    June 15, 2007

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    So sad, so very tragic and overwhelming, instantly this caused me to feel sympathy for the characters. The whole family destroyed in pain and the rest drowning in it...you wrote this very well. Good job!


  • Kevan gold member
    June 15, 2007

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    Oh wow. When I read the title I was like "yipee, another suicide story" sarcastically. Then, when I started reading it, I noticed a very unique message you were trying to prove.

    "Death is contagious"

    It seriously is. Rachel died, and then you wanted to.. well, after you started cutting. Then, as soon ats that happened, everyone else wanted to die, or went crazy thinking about death. That's why we try to convince people not to kill themselves... not just for their sake, but for everyone who cares about them as well.

    Great story! Thank you so much for the entry, and good luck in the contest!

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