The Human Condition Chapter 34

Do you start crying out of the blue, for no reason at all? It happened to me tonight. I was watching a movie and having an OK time, then all of a sudden I just started feeling REALLY sad and started crying. I don't know why, but everything seemed sad to me. This has happened to me before, but now that I've been doing so much better, I just wonder if it is normal for this to still happen every now and then.1

I've been very ill for the past four days. I don't know what it is, but it feels just like the symptoms of a virus. I had been feeling fine since about late March or April. I even checked with my doctor about two months ago. I ate some food on Monday night (felt fine all day Monday) and felt kind of flu-like afterwards, but thought it was just my anxiety again. I awoke fairly ill on Tuesday and Wednesday I could not even move I was so weak and exhausted. I noticed a lot of pain in my lower abdomen, and I was then convinced that it was just some mild food poisoning that perhaps so I've spent the last 48 hours or so eating very little (cuz I'm still nauseous) and worrying that I am going to die or something irrational like that. I know it is irrational, but, I can't help but wonder why all this stuff occurs like this, in waves of bad luck, for me. When it rains, it pours. 2

This whole year has been nothing but headache and heartache coupled with my depression/anxiety and panic attacks I've had to quit school for the semester. I'm not working, needing to look for work, feeling flu-like, wanting to kill myself on who knows how many occasions ... the list just goes on and on. I had been feeling almost 100% better for the last month and a half and was ready to start looking for work again and getting my life back in order, but now I get so discouraged as I had all these full-blown mono-like symptoms. I've been trying to find as much information as I can on the Internet, but I like the method of these support forums, and so far haven't been able to find any forum for something like "viral infections".But I don't understand. *sigh* It's gotten me all in a flutter... But, for those of you who haven't seen a post from me in a while, this is why.  I've basically been too sick to get out of bed, let alone use a computer. 3

Hoping I get well and STAY well again, soon,4

I don't know what's wrong with me. I am just not feeling really well right now. Not physically, but emotionally. I just started feeling really sad and upset. That's not like me nowadays. I don't know. Another thing is just sometimes I feel really lonely. But, this may sound mean, but I don't feel close to anyone at all. So, I feel lonely now that summer's here and I really don't have any friends outside of Erika, and I can't expect her to be there 24/7. 5

Besides the lameness of on and off sharp pains... I'm doing better.  6

I mean, seriously.  Who out there talks to me without expecting something stupid, like a log with a funny quote, some form of entertainment, an easy laugh, or something along those lines... Who actually cares to have a SERIOUS discussion with me and doesn't care that I'm a goofy little dork with absolutely too much time on his hands?  Hell, WHO OUT THERE EVEN TALKS TO ME?7

I suppose I should be happy.  I have friends and that's not something that everybody can say, and it's definitely something I didn't feel I could truly say up until 2-3 years ago.  Unfortunately, no matter how much I try, I think I either fall too short or try far too hard.  And now that I know that, I think I should just stop altogether.8

But sometimes I wonder about myself.  Is there anything more to me than just ... well, to put it bluntly, someone to cheer someone else up?  I often feel like such an accessory for insanity that I don't know why I go out of my way for some people.  Or why I even bother at all.9

Right now I feel like any so-called "maturation" that happened in the past four years completely reverted and I'm back to wishful thinking that can't possibly be remedied.10

So like I said, I'm a fool.11

I have a lot on my mind.  Well, when am I lacking that?  The more I think, the more I wish I didn't do so much of it...12

Why don't you share your epiphanies with me?  Am I just always going to be hearing things secondhand?  Just once I'd like to feel that level of importance.  It's different when you know something such as significance ... it's almost like you have to both know it and feel it.13

So why don't I feel it?  Or am I just being my usual stupid self and pushing things away because I'm not used to being happy?  Why do I find it so hard to accept that things aren't complicated and that I'm just ruining them in my own little world in my head?14

I wish I could split in two and have the copy-me slap myself around.  It would be easier to slap some sense into my thickheaded skull.  Literally.15

Regardless... If I'm happy it shouldn't matter, if I'm happy it shouldn't matter, if I'm happy it shouldn't matter... *repeats to self a gazillion times*16

In attempts to not be my usual angst self, okay the no-angsting deal didn't work.17

So like I said, if I'm happy it shouldn't matter, if I'm happy it shouldn't matter, if I'm happy it shouldn't matter.18

How many people can say they have a love/hate relationship with themselves?  Like, you love that you look a certain way, can be accepted by certain people, can do certain things... but you hate that you don't look better and in fact can't look any better without a certain aspect (oh say, without blonde bangs..), that you can't hang out with certain other people, and you can't do certain things as well as you'd like to believe?19

I think that's the case with myself.20

There are times when I've wanted to smash a guitar out in the street while screaming at the top of my lungs, crying my bloody eyes out, and then finish off the deed by cutting myself with the shards.  There are also times where I've felt like I wanted to pat myself on the back for "accomplishing" something.  Well, at least I would have felt like that had I accomplished anything worth all the work.21

Right now, however, is one of the smash the guitar moments.22

Have you ever tried so hard to not cry but you'd feel yourself frown and suddenly you just can't control yourself anymore?  And the tears just don't stop, and all these thoughts run through your head... Who am I?  Where am I going in life?  Am I actually good at all this crap or am I just kidding myself?  etc etc...23

I find it too hard for me to muster up motivation to do ANYTHING.  For the past six months...no, longer.  For the past, what, TEN months I haven't been doing anything but sitting around doing nothing?  A good amount of that time was spent on that God forsaken game OR which I'd like to never touch ever again ... and then what, I just decided I was gonna sit around and do nothing but draw or doodle random, useless, stupid, ugly little things that seem to have no benefit to me at all?  Is this all I do?  Isn't life supposed to be fun?24

You only make it fun for yourself ... and in the end it's only yourself that matters the most.  People grow up, leave things they once held onto tightly, and forget you ever existed...25

And for some people it takes six months to "grow up," and perhaps they don't give you a proper good-bye but instead give you a false hope and toss you to the side, almost as if you were trash.  But feeling the way you do, you might as well be trash.26

Are you ever gonna live before you die?27

It wasn't too long ago when I didn't like getting emotionally attached to anyone.  What happened?  Was I stronger back then compared to now?  Exactly what is it that shattered my character that makes me so paranoid of everything now? Well, I got to go now. Bye.28