And through the stormy brink of night
The fog and mist do slowly rise
Where love once lived, along with life
Now darkness covers land with strife
Founded for a common cause
To live for freedom was their law
But that statement was lost through the times
Changing beauty to decaying grime
The tender rose-their icon then
Soon faded in lost love through sin
Their sincerity faded, motivation too
Until the land no longer grew.
In a struggle between love and hate
They took the wrong, then saw mistake
They recoiled then, but t'was too late
For they had changed the world's whole fate.
The lands soon froze-the sea as well
As people's hearts carelessly laughed at hell
Forgot of right and forgot of wrong
They merrily danced as their doom fell upon
The earth, the Lord looked down on sin
He would have to change it all again.
"Oh man-how I love him so
Yet his sin, I can not stand"
Author notes
http://allpoetry.com/poem/2353969
from my ap account.
A contest entry
- Publishable Poems? by Bitter Irony.
300 points, ended July 2, 2007, 42 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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The last two lines don't rhyme >.<
This was a fantastic poem! I've never read anything like it. When I read it, I thought of Atlantis for some reason o__O
Anyway, I like the rhyming, it was cool! This was fantastically written.
Well, you can't expect less from Pegleg-chan. ^_~
I hope you win the contest! =D
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Oh wow Artemis-chan.This is beautiful.
The tender rose-their icon then
Soon faded in lost love through sin
Very beautiful
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I like the story you tell here. I notice you didn't say in your author note what kind of magazine you would publish in, and that's something I would really be interested in knowing.
I like your rhyme too--normally, couplets annoy me, but yours felt natural. I do wonder, though, why you sometimes switched to half rhyme from full rhyme, without much of a pattern to the switches. You don't have the poem divided into stanzas here, but I see that you did on AllPoetry. I like the stanza division best.
Watch your meter: it's very hard for me to tell which syllables should be stressed and unstressed in this poem.
"But that statement was lost through the times"
In your second line, what's up with the "do" in "do slowly rise"? Why don't they just slowly rise, or rise slowly?
"But that statement" What statement? The very word ruins the flow of that line.
"t'was" This word always sounds silly on the tounge of anyone born after 1800. When you have the option to chose between archaic and modern, pick modern, especially since the rest of this poem is written in modern idiom.
I like the way you fit imagery into the narrative, smoothly, without stopping the story for it.
I'm a little confused as to why, if you'll pardon the expression, you "brought God into it" at the end. I'd suggest mentioning divine displeasure at least a little bit before the very end.
My verdict: probably publishable, but it would be hard to find a 'zine that publishes in this genre.
Thanks for an enjoyable read, and good luck in the contets!beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 2, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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