Screams filled the dark cinema; several of the girls in the middle rows clutched the hands of those closest to them. The large screen filled with the face of Freddy Krueger as he advanced on Jason. Freddy’s cackle of a wicked laugh emitted from the speakers lining the walls. 1
Shivering from the sound Madeline looked around her; she couldn’t help but think she was being watched. Settling her eyes back on the movie she moved as close to Tyler as she could manage in the small cinema seats. Grabbing her drink Madeline sipped it slowly; looking behind her again she frowned. Sitting in the back row was a man she recognized; she had seen him around all day. They had met McDonalds at the counter when she had been served before him, she had apologized and he had shaken her hand and introduced himself. Tyler had shown up then and dragged her away.2
‘What is so interesting back there?’ Tyler looked over his shoulder and sat back again. ‘Is he following us?’ Tyler hissed to Madeline who looked around in alarm shaking her head. Black curls loosened a little and fell out of their messy buns on each side of her head. Pushing them away Madeline focused on the movie, driving the thoughts of being followed out of her mind as more screams filled the cinema. 3
Screaming Madeline lost grip of her drink and it spilt down her front. Jumping up she laughed, screaming cold from the icy liquid. Kissing Tyler quickly she dismissed herself from the cinema and headed for the toilets. Standing as much as she could beneath the dryers in the bathrooms Madeline hummed to herself. She hated the Geelong cinema toilets. They scared how quiet and big they were. Especially during a movie, when there was no rush to use them from people who held on through the whole movie just to pee.4
The door opened and Madeline relaxed a little, going a little red even for standing under the dryers. A cubicle door closed in the mirror with a clang, looking around Madeline thought she saw the man again. Shrugging it off as a trick from the mirror and went back to drying her top. Giving up on trying holding it under she pulled the top off. Shivering a little in a tiny singlet she held the top close to the hole where the heat came from. 5
Shifting a little in his seat Tyler looked around the cinema for a sign of Madeline making her way back to him. The doors hadn’t opened but and there was no sign of her. A little annoyed she was taking so long he grabbed a handful of popcorn and chewed for a little. Looking behind him again he noticed the man was gone. An uneasy feeling settled over Tyler and he got up slowly. Heading for the doors he started to run. 6
‘Madeline!’ Tyler screamed her name as he pushed his way into the girls’ toilets. A lady who was at the basins washing her hands screamed in shock yelling at him to leave. But Tyler only had eyes for the damp top beneath the dryers. Leaning down he picked it up, moments before Madeline had been wearing this. It was her pale grey pirate top he had got her twp years ago. It was her favourite top. 7
The lady walked over to Tyler and asked if he was okay, when he turned around and she saw the tears in his eyes she softened a little and asked what was wrong instead. Taking the top when he offered it to her she raised an eyebrow. 8
‘Maddie,’ Kicking open all the cubicles Tyler stopped at the end one, there was a door on the inside of the toilet. It was open and there was a cool breeze of dust and fluff blowing in from the dark. On the floor by Tyler’s Doc Marten was three drops of blood. 9
‘Sixteen year old girl Madeline Rivers, went on a date with her boyfriend at the cinemas, went to the toilets and never came back. All that was left behind was a top and blood, suspect went through the old cinema door in the ladies toilets.’ Detective Russel filled in his partner as they walked towards Cinema six. Empty now the movie was over and people had been refunded their money for the ten o’clock screening. Walking in the victims boyfriend was sitting on the front row seat in the middle, a local police man was by his side taking notes. 10
‘Tyler Dunst?’ Russel called his name and the young boy looked around, he was older then Madeline he could tell by looks, by at least two years. Offering a hand to the kid he smiled roughly lines in his face creasing. ‘Tell me what happened kid,’ 11
‘I uh, um we came here to see Freddy vs. Jason, first we went to Macca’s but for some food and there was this guy. I didn’t trust him from the start he was creepy so I took Madeline away from him…is she going to be okay, I mean where is she?’ Tyler asked urgently, fear choked his voice. All he wanted was his girlfriend back. 12
‘We’ll find her, but first we need to know what happened. What did you two do after tea?’ Russel asked a little softer now; age didn’t seem to always mean you were rough cut. This kid was all looks by the sounds of it. ‘Come on kid; just help us out here okay?’ 13
‘We came here, and then she spilt her drink when she got scared and she went to the bathrooms. That guy from McDonalds, he was there at the back row watching us. When Madeline left he did shortly after I think, I only noticed when she didn’t come back after ten minutes he wasn’t there.’ Tyler’s eyes watered again and bit his lip roughly, fighting back the threatening surge of tears that wanted to overcome him. Tears could wait, Madeline couldn’t. Who knows what this sicko would do to her, could do to her. 14
The detective walked away and headed for the toilets. They were almost directly in front of the cinema, turning a small corner and there they were. Walking in Russel looked around; Tyler had followed and was at his heels. Going to the end cubicle where the door was still open he pulled out a torch and walked in. The smell was bad in there; he knew the story behind the old cinema. The smell of copper blood still hung in the air. 15
‘Any chance he could still be in here?’ Russel asked his partner who shook his head. ‘How do you get that?’ Griggs informed that the whole area had been searched. Griggs was young, Russel thought to himself. So were a lot of the new cops in this little town. ‘Not good enough, I want a bigger torch.’ Detective Russel walked on, over the rubble and dust. 16
The old screen was ripped and torn at the front, blood staining the edges where bullets had ripped through. 1991 the Village massacre had occurred while fifty people sat and watched the opening for the movie Donnie Darko. Ages ranged from fifty to thirteen, there had been no survivors. Two young men had come in with their guns and shot up everyone, only one of the men got away the other committed suicide in his prison cell the night he was caught, three days after the shooting. 17
Realisation dawned in the detectives eyes. Turning towards the boy quickly he asked what her mothers name had been. Urging him to hurry over an answer the boy tripped and landed face first on an old chair. 18
‘I don’t know she was adopted.’ Tyler answered when the detective helped him up from his fall. ‘What happened in here, its stinks man?’ Tyler looked around and noticed the old screen for the first time. Fascinated he walked over and saw the red stains. With a little laugh he asked if the blood was for real. Paling when the answer came back as yes, Tyler ran back over to Russel. 19
‘What happened here? And why do you want to know the name of Madeline's mother?’ Tyler quizzed the detective who only gave him a blank look. Apologizing for taking over with the questioning and waited for answers to come. 20
‘I don’t think there is any reason for you to know what happened here, and her mothers name is essential for the case. Griggs come here!’ Russel shouted as he chucked the torch to Tyler and asked for him to shine it on his notepad for him. Scribbling quickly he handed the piece of paper to Griggs and ordered him to find information on everything written there. 21
‘Okay Russel.’ Griggs was gone a second a later, the door left open letting in more light then torch supplied for them. Russel took up his investigation of the old cinema, flashing back to the first time he had come in. Only a new police man then, just a rookie he had almost thrown up at the sight, all the people dead and bloody in their seats or on the floor where they had tried to run. His officer in charge had hit him in the back of the head, ordered him to stand up straight and take it like a real man or find another job. 22
Russel liked his job, had worked hard for his job, so he stood up straight and moved among the bodies like they didn’t faze him. The moment he got home though, that was more a different scenario. Tears poured from his eyes as his ex-wife rocked him in their bed. Four years later after a mass of serials of rapes and murders she had left him, too much danger after their house had been shot up by the serial killer. 23
Her words echoed in her mind; “…Things like this just do not happen in Geelong…” and she was right of course, Geelong was a small town on the beach. 24
Two years now after that and a promotion later here Russel was working the cases that rarely got the news. Cases the police department would rather didn’t reach the ears and eyes of the towns’ people and spike fear in them. 25
This case would one hundred percent reach the newspapers. People were outside the cinema already with their cameras and news tapes making notes and recordings, pressing the police, even himself when he had arrived for info on what had happened. 26
‘Why are doing this, I just want to go home.’ Madeline cried as she was dragged by her wrists on her back towards a bedroom, the room was full of teenage objects and the walls were painted with bright flowers that looked like they belonged in the seventies. ‘Please just let me go, I don’t even know you.’27
The man stopped. Dropping her he turned and stared down at her. His face completely revealed he gave a small smile. Turning away he grabbed her again and headed towards the room. When he pushed the door open fake sunlight washed over the room. There was a window but it was fake as well, there was a cardboard scenery sticky taped over the glass. It was a picture of Eastern Beach and the Promenade. On the bed Madeline screamed for help again. 28
‘Shut up!’ The man yelled and slapped Madeline, when she was silent except for her whimpers he sat on the end of the bed and patted her head roughly. His hands were gnarled and his fingers on his right hand didn’t straighten right. ‘All I wanted was to see you, they wouldn’t let me they hid you, I had to do this…’ The man mumbled, Madeline wasn’t sure if it was to her or himself. 29
‘I don’t know you I am sorry, please maybe you have me mistaken just please let me go home.’ Madeline pleaded, her cheek throbbing where his palm had left a large red welt. Her foster mum always warned her about bumps, she had to be careful because she would bruise easy. Her skin was fragile and soft. 30
‘Your mother was pretty; you look so much like her.’ The man said quietly looking down, like he didn’t feel he deserved to look Madeline in the eyes for what he was doing. When she didn’t reply he went on, still looking down. ‘I didn’t mean to kill her.’ That was when he looked up; Madeline let out a squeak of fright and started screaming again. He didn’t know what to do. 31
Standing up he screamed at her to be quiet holding his hands over his ears, trying to block her out but it didn’t work. She kept on screaming to be let go. 32
Snapping he grabbed Madeline by the little top she wore, hearing the material rip when he shook her, screaming rapidly in her face to be quiet and shut up cursing her. Slamming her against the wall Madeline screamed more in fear and pain. The back of her head hit the wall repeatedly and pain was exploding behind her eyes as his fist hit her. Still screaming he threw her at wall this time, leaving a dent where her body hit, and landing on the floor unmoving. 33
Scared her had killed her he walked over. 34
Head spinning and her chest exploding in pain Madeline rolled over; he was standing over her crying. Giving up on screaming for help she laid there, when he asked if she was okay she nodded quickly. Sitting up as well as she could Madeline winced with every movement she made. 35
‘Who are you?’ Madeline managed as he pulled her a little to hard to her feet and walked her to the bed. Her face was bleeding and the sickly feeling of blood was running down the back of her head, through her hair. Struggling to pull in breath Madeline let the man lay her on the bed, great full for the soft mattress again.36
‘If your mummy was alive you would live here, with me and her. We lived here together. I was so happy when she said she was pregnant. I didn’t know she would be at the movies, she said she wanted to go one time, but not that night. I really didn’t mean to shoot her, my partner bumped me…Im just so happy you are still alive.’ The man grabbed Madeline around the waist and pulled her into a twisted hug, when he let her go she slumped back onto the mattress, her eyes closed. She was sleeping he thought. 37
Twenty-six hours since abduction.38
‘The girls’ mums name, Brianna Ridge. The second man part of the Village Massacre, Greg Avenues. The mother and whom I guessing to be your suspect after this, lived together on the Esplanade.’ Griggs said. ‘The house was small, only one of the many apartments there. Room number one o’ one.’ Smiling happily with his information gathering it dropped when Russel only stared at him again, he hardly ever smiled or praised. Why should he start now? 39
They were sitting in the lounge room of Madeline River’s house. Her foster parents were clasping hands and her mother was sobbing into a tissue she held to her face. The father seemed full of rage; sitting on the sofa seemed to need a great deal of concentration he only looked at the floor, unblinking. When he finally spoke his wife jumped and let out a hiccup. 40
‘So a psychopathic killer who shot up fifty people in a cinema, has taken our daughter because he thinks he is her father?’ Mr Rivers asked, annoyance edging into his voice. ‘Somehow that seems weak; yes Brianna Ridge is her mother. That was all on the forms but there was nothing about that man mentioned.’ He pulled the papers out the folder and chucked them at Russel. ‘How did the massacre even make its way into this?’ 41
All eyes were on Russel then, as the same question sprung to all their minds. Nobody had thought if it till then and now they had it would bug them till detective Russel supplied them with an answer. All they had to do was wait now. Russel just gave Mr Rivers one of his famous cold glares. 42
‘I am linking it with everything, the movies the toilet the way he took her. Plus there has been no call for a ransom. If this man believes he is her father then he surely isn’t going to ask for money to give her back.’ Russel surprised them with an answer. ‘He may not be smart but he knows, if he calls to say you will never see her again he will lose her and he will be arrested.’ Standing Russel left the house, Griggs stood quickly bid the distraught couple goodbye and followed Russel out of the house. 43
‘Where are we going?’ Griggs asked hurriedly. 44
‘Room one o’ one.’ Stepping on the gas Russel pulled out of the driveway and headed towards the esplanade, only stopping at the roundabout to let other cars though. When he pulled into a car space at the Apartment block he slammed the door and was gone in an instant. 45
Running up the stairs Russel pulled his gun free from its holster ordering Griggs the same. When they reached the right room Russel stopped. Music was playing quietly, a seventies song. Bracing himself Russel kicked the door open and screaming police as loud as he could manage. His voice reached every room in the house. 46
Startled Greg jumped up from his seat beside Madeline and stared at the door. When it was kicked open like the front door had been he grabbed Madeline into his arms. She was still sleeping, something wasn’t right he thought as he held her to him. How could he do this to her, he was using her as a human shield. He couldn’t give up but, not now he had his little girl back, now that he could see her. They could live happily together, but no. The filthy cops they had to intrude on their new life, and Madeline, she still wasn’t waking up. She was cold. 47
Pulling a gun from his pant pocket with one hand he pointed it at the lead police man. His gnarled hand shaking he cried, with his face close to Madeline’s he noticed she wasn’t breathing, didn’t feel her breath on his cheek. Dropping her fell to his knees crying over her. Pulling her into his arms again, forgetting the cops. 48
Sirens rang through the building and footsteps pounded up the stairs. Screaming filled the room when Mrs Rivers ran in with her husband. Russel shielded the woman’s view as Greg Avenues hugged Madeline to him, sobbing uncontrollably. Whispering come back, and I didn’t mean to repeatedly. When the crying stopped he stood up and fired to shots. 49
Eyes widening in shock Russel landed hard on his knees. Blood seeping through the white of his last clean shirt. In front of him Mr Rivers fall, a bullet hole clean through his forehead. More shots sounded out as Griggs fell beside Russel. Crawling over Russel ordered Griggs to hold on, to hang in there. One more shot went off, there was a thud and Mrs Rivers screams increased. Looking around Russel saw Greg Avenue’s on the floor. The wall splattered with his blood, half his head removed by the close range of the pistol to his head. 50
The screams, cries and gunshots carried through the apartment building as people emerged from their small rooms to see what was going on. Police pushed them back, ordered them not to come out as the bodies were removed.51
Russel only stayed down because of the sedative he was given. Griggs was on a stretcher beside Madeline, Mr Rivers and Greg Avenues. Blankets were pulled over their heads. Blood was seeping deeply through the pale starch white covering Greg’s disfigured face. 52
In a corner by the Ambulance stood three people ignored by everyone else. Madeline smiled and waved to him, her mother Brianna Ridge and Greg Avenues waved with her, smiling brightly their hands on Madeline’s shoulder. They faded out of view as Russel was placed in the same ambulance they were beside and the doors were closed. 53
Author notes
This is not exactly G-rated, a word of warning.
A contest entry
- SW Presents--Mystery--3 Month Gold or Silver at stake! by Violet Moodswing.
700 points, ended July 16, 2007, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Calling all Suspense Writers by B Chandler.
175 points, ended November 27, 2007, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Quick fix
They had met McDonalds at the counter when she had been served before him, she had apologized and he had shaken her hand and introduced himself. Tyler had shown up then and dragged her away.2
I think you might want to take a look at this paragraph sentence and add the word at in-between met and McDonalds -
Loved the first few paragraphs it really drew me in. I really liked the twists that the story takes.
It was definitely not g rated.
Good read overall.
Goodluck
Em -
A great story that kept my attention all the way through. You still need to make an edit here and there. For instance, in this sentence
The doors hadn’t opened but and there was no sign of her.
It looks like you meant to use either the word "but" or "and" but forgot to remove one of them
There are occasional little things like that throughout, but I am sure you will get them all worked out. I really enjoyed the read and any existing typos were minimal.
I really like the twists and turns the story takes. It isn't exactly predictable even though each part of the puzzle makes sense and fits together.
Thanks for enterring.
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Good
The first paragraph really pulled me in because you surprised me...then the plot's twists and turns kept me reading.
Great job.
Good luck.
Definitely not G-rated. -
A really great job. I liked the plot twists. Good luck in the contest and thanks for entering.
~*Brooke*~☺ -
wow that is an awesome story, I can't find a thing wrong with it, it is great
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One of the rules in the contest was "Stick with light backgrounds like white, beige, or pastel colors and dark font so that most people can read them without going blind."
I'll be back to read later...
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It was nice. There were a few grammar and spelling issues, and even a few places where you put the completely wrong word. Other than that, it was well-written, and I liked it. Good luck in the contest.
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Wow...I liked this a lot. It was very creepy. I don't even know what else to say. It was very good. Keep writing!
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Aww.. Ebb.. this was chilling
and you had so many plot turns and.. I really thought Madeline would be found dead in the bathroom cubicle... and when I saw the blood, I THOUGHT she will be found dead.. and somewhere near...
Men that are twisted are scary x.x and I love how the killer who escaped came back to kill more people
The chilling part is that the abduction took place while there was a horror movie, so Madeline's screams could have been overpowered or drowned by the screams of the movie watchers or the screams onscreen x.x and abduction in malls are quite possible everywhere, which made the chill factor here possible (Btw, I did the dryer thing, too
but the dryer in the cinema I went with was beside the sink, so I sat beside the sink and dried my pants, lol!)
I loved Tyler.. the short while he was here, anyway x.x Hmm... It would have been more painful for him if he had seen Madeline die x.x grah.. but yeah, I'm weird like that
Now, if this could just be polished a bit, you'd perfect-ize this piece
I wish you luck with the contest
p.s. check your messages!
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Maddie!!
Very cool story!! I really enjoyed this as its right down my alley. I loved it. A couple of small suggestions. 1. the only part that didnt seem to work for me was when the boyfriend gets up to search for madeline. Maybe a bit more build up about the guy following them would help but it doesnt seem quite panicked enough that a guy would head into the women's bathroom. (we are idiots you know) If you were to beef up the detail of why they were so scared of him before, then that would fly great. I thought this was really cool and I like the tieback effect. One last thing, it seemed to easy for the cops. It seems very easy that the killer would go back to the same apartment. Unless, of course he was loony, which appears to be the case. So I guess that could work after all. Some crazies do stupid things, but this guy had been on the run for all those years since the movie massacre, so he had to be fairly smart, right? Just some thoughts.... I really liked this though. Very nice work!! More, More!!
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