Put me on a pedestal and kiss my dainty toes.
Find yourself in love with me, you know the goddess knows.
Put your head onto the ground and sleep into the grass.
Worship every hair of mine and pray upon my face.
Glorify my sentences - make each of them a song.
Tuck me in with mysteries in myths where I belong.
Color me a majesty inside a lacquered realm.
Beleaguer me with flattery until i’m overwhelmed.
Waylay all my images and hide away the key.
Treasure every fleeting touch inside a fantasy.
Imagine us together making love into the night,
and close your eyes in ecstasy, in fanciful delight.
Offer me a flower or a vibrant virgin male.
Memorize the way he looks with provident detail.
Glow with competition in a contest of attention.
I’ll let you down unsparingly, consumed with my ascension.
Hate yourself incessantly for all your wasted lust.
Spit at your reflection with indelicate disgust,
For every night you’ll dream of me with calm and tranquil eyes,
Wishing for a part of me to fit between your thighs,
While I idly meditate and let you fall apart.
What needs a gilded goddess of a loyal human heart?
Author notes
The title? Has absolutely NOTHING to do with being a DJ. Rather, I'm referring to the phrase, "We're gonna turn the tables on him," meaning that the situation is gonna be changed against his favor.
Please please leave a review. Merci boucoup!
**Edited to include suggested alterations... although I'm not sure how I feel about the capitalizations and punctuation. I guess I'll see if it grows on me. What do you think? Should a poem be grammarically correct, or should it break the conventional laws of english?**
In a list
A contest entry
- Publishable Poems? by Bitter Irony.
300 points, ended July 2, 2007, 42 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Fandi Contest I - Options by Asfand.
225 points, ended July 10, 2007, 42 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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wow........major wow.......i liked it alot......thats all i wanna say here.....its beautifully composed!!!
rudy brilliant!!!
CRITICISM
end stanzas with commas not periods............it really doesn't look gud........
tooo much usage of high vocabulary........in a poem, its better to make the message simple and clear, with delicate and simple words.......
u don't have to force it to rhyme ya......its overdone.......there are something that jsut don't seem to a part........... example given:
Put your head onto the ground and sleep into the grass.
Worship every hair of mine and pray upon my face.
whats with the refernce to the ground and the grass.....wheres the poetic line in this......
*wishing for a part of me to fit into your thighs*
first.....nmajor yuck factor......whats with the sexual reference.........in a poem!!!.........the words with thinking with tranquil eyes left such a good impression and this then comes along...........
other then that.....i think you've nailed it!!!
ur a very strong contestant!!!
CHEERS and GUD LUK!!! -
Wow!
I don't care what anyone else says... I LOVE THIS piece!!!! I love the unique phrases you came up with, the rhyming flow, the fanciful wording and images painted, the magical quality...all very lovely and lavish sounding my dear!
It actually reminds me alot of the way I tend to write on occasion, (regarding the quick and easy natural flow, rhyming scheme, metaphoric language, etc.) I prefer poetry that flows EASILY like this, as opposed to ones that make you stumble or have to slow down to read them because something doesn't seem to fit. If you notice any of the "old school" poets from about a century ago & older, many tend to write in this lovely flowing, rhyming style. I still think it's the BEST! (It's always been the kind that inspires me anyway. And also, I suppose, what comes most natural to me personally.)
But wow! I really love your choice of wording too! Excellent choices in my opinion. ("tuck me in with mysteries in myths where i belong
color me a majesty inside a lacquered realm")...and many other lines are just fantastic!!!!
But it's true you do have a few areas that could use a little mending as far as punctuation, commas, and that one word "underwhelmed". (Oddly enough, the first couple times I read it, I actually saw it as "OVERwhelmed"! And it made PERFECT SENSE that way! But then I noticed, it wasn't actually written that way.
And the only real area where it gets just a tad too wordy & interrupts the natural flow, is the line : "and i shall idly meditate and let you fall apart"
By itself, it sounds fine. But when you read it altogether between the couple of previous lines, and the last line..it doesn't quite fit the way it is. It's a mouthful. (try reading it outloud). I might suggest changing just a couple words, so it keeps the idea and feel...but simplifies, to flow and blend better.
Perhaps something like:
"for every night you’ll dream of me with calm and tranquil eyes
wishing for a part of me to fit between your thighs
while idly I meditate and let you fall apart
what needs a gilded goddess, of a loyal human heart?"
??? somthing more akin to that may work better I think. But of course, it's your masterpiece and up to you in the end. I totally LOVE IT though and wish I had written it myself! (and I don't say that about a lot of things. lol)
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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wow
Thank you so much for the in-depth review. After rereading my poem 2034982034802394823 trying to get the rhyme scheme sorted out, I've kinda lost all ability to see if the lines scan and flow properly, so I really appreciate you pointing out the specific bits where it needed to be tweeked.
Thanks again! :-) -
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No problem! Good luck in the contest by the way. If I enter anything, I'll definitely consider you great competition!!! :0)
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good
well done -
I think it was well done
I like what you wrote. It reminded me of someone who i love. You are a great writer. Keep up the good work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -
The rhyming was heavenly, I really hope you edit this because it would be a masterful piece if ya just cleaned it up around the edges a little. Awesome work.. ^_^
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You need to capitalize the first word of a sentence, no matter what: also, all sentences must end with a period. No editor would accept a poem that wasn't properly punctuated, period.
"beleaguer me with flattery until i’m underwhelmed" What are you trying to say here? I don't think underwhelmed was the word you were looking for.
I like the main theme of this story: it's an original idea, and I enjoyed the way you phrased it. The rhyming and metre all felt natural and unforced.
My verdict: publishable, once the grammar is fixed. Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!
beginning: 3, language: 1, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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