Your eyes would twinkle in the light,
In the moonlight ever so bright
When you passed me, I would stare
Into my eyes, you would glare
If you loved me, why’d you leave?
How many tricks are up your sleeve?
You said you loved me, and then you ran
Couldn’t you face me and just be a man?
When I looked at your lovely face,
I'd fall into your warm embrace
All the long walks we’ve taken down the shore
Wouldn’t you like that anymore?
To my head, I hold a gun,
As I stare up at the sun
Love isn’t a game, yet there are so many players.
When life’s the price, there are so many payers.
I’m not listening to your lies,
When you don’t even hear my cries?
You broke my heart,
Not just a part
And now my life just doesn’t fit
And don’t you dare forget about it
Author notes
I don't exactly know if it's publishing material. That's why I entered. Don't worry about harsh criticism; I'll take whatever you throw at me!! ^_^
~Siby-San
A contest entry
- Publishable Poems? by Bitter Irony.
300 points, ended July 2, 2007, 42 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Do ya like it? ^_^
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Loook at all these comments!! Seriously, you write really well...don't compare and be your own person. This was a really good poem!
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Thank you very much! ^_^
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aw-so sad, yet beautiful. Keep it up!
pegleg -
Hmm, I love it. I really like it, but there was two things that I think could be fixed. 'fainting without a trace' doesn't make sense to me, maybe 'I'd fall into your Embrace' would sound better?
Also, instead of life being the price, I think death should be... that is all. good work!
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Also, I think it would be best to leave it as life being the price because they're sacrificing their lives to be with the one they love. I think life is the price, and death would be the consequence...but that wouldn't really make sense.
If death was the price, then we'd be left to deal with life...If we pay our lives, we'd be left to deal with death. I know I'm probably not making much sense...
But anyways, thanks for reading and commenting!! ^__^ -
Those are some awesome suggestions! Thank you very much! ^_^
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I liked it Siby-chan.^.^
If you like Akatsuki,stupid people,cosplay and pure funniness click the link
Dare ya.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=wRw39kZU6Ic&mode=related&search= -
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*starts laughing hilariously*
Who knew AKATSUKI would make ANYONE laugh? ^___^ -
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I did 'cause I is Itachi-san and I pwned him!
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XD
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Well...yes, I like it, but no, it isn't publishable. The major problems with this poem are two:
1) The rhyming sounds very forced. This is mostly because you don't have set metre. While there's no tried-and-true way to get a perfect rhythm going in a poem, I suggest you at least try to have the same number of syllables in each line (or every other line), for example:
Line 1: 8 syllables
Line 2: 6 syllables
Line 3: 8 syllables
Line 4: 6 syllables.
2) The title is a major turn off--it sounds very melodramatic ("emo," I guess the term is now) and doesn't have much to do with the poem itself.
The good part of this poem is certainly the voice: while the story itself has been done before, the tone you took for this poem is original. I like the way the speaker isn't overly angry or depressed: she just says quite clearly what's wrong.
Another thing to pay attention to: when using adjectives, think very carefully about which ones to use. For example, "masculine" used when describing his face. Is masculinity really the main emotion you want to put across? I could understand "cold" or "beautiful," but masculine just sounds rather technical for a poem of this sort.
Thanks for entering the contest! You seem to have the talent for poetry--I have the feeling this specific poem just wasn't your best, or your most "publishable." Feel free to enter another one! I'd love to see more of your work!beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 2, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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Thank you very much for your honest opinions and constructive critique! And I'll see if I can try and enter another one; depends if I have enough time
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