Our love was the best, of that there's no doubt
and now here we are, we're living without
each others kisses, hugs and caress's
no longer do we even try to impress us
who would have thought that we would both drift
apart, and our feelings for each other,
would be stuck out in space and we wouldn't even bother
A contest entry
- Publishable Poems? by Bitter Irony.
300 points, ended July 2, 2007, 42 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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oh so short and well oriented great work
this is so coool well written
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I like it, but the issue you tackled with using the plurals made it seem sort of awkward in the fourth line.. I wouldn't know how to re-word it, but if you could think of a better wordage you'd be in good shape. ^_^
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Please punctuate this poem properly: you need a comma after "best" in line one, "caress" in line three should be plural, and "wouldnt" in the last line should be "wouldn't".
I like the clear and unelaborate way you express the feelings in this poem: however, the emotions themselves have been "done before." I'd like to see a new take on them.
My verdict: not publishable, not out of any specific fault, but because it doesn't quite have the originality needed to stand out in the poetry market.
Thanks for sharing anyway, and thanks for entering the contest!beginning: 1, language: 2, plot: 2, ending: 2, dialog: 1, characters: 3.
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