Remembering clearly in my mind's eye
That place where I loved to reside
The streets they were bright and the litter was few
And the air it was one of great pride
Clothes left hung out and doors left unlocked
You did at your own behest
Your mind was at ease and thoughts much at peace
no fear of an unwanted guest
Of course there was crime dire influence at work
some out on their own evil mission
But the papers back then had so few to report
That they printed a special edition
Religion was there in all different modes
To express it we could be direct
Racist and bigots unheard of back then
No need for politically correct
But these days the streets are littered with waste
And the evenings seem darker and long
the neighbours are distant caught up with their fears
No room for that old cheery song
And then as if that lots not enough
The weather has chose to join in
With freaky conditions all over the place
Could it be that we’re paying for our
sin.
So lets take a look at the history so far
And the story that seems to unfold
We’ve taken a turn for the worse on the way
Not learning the new from the old
But there’s hope somewhere there in that great big divide
If only we stop the maraud
And work hard enough that we could turn the tide
And get ourselves back to our God.
A contest entry
- Publishable Poems? by Bitter Irony.
300 points, ended July 2, 2007, 42 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Oh , I did like it though- It's just a bit tough to sorta see where you were going with the first and second half. .good work though..
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Hmm. I like the first half, the Utopian sort of feel.. though unless you were describing Eden, I don't think such a place ever existed... which is why the second hald threw me off, when you were describing modern times.
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Hi There , thanks for your comments, the poem was a take on poet William Blake and his way of looking at life as described in some of his work i.e. songs of innocence and songs of experience and also his reference to religion ( God, hence the mention.
Some of the content of mine is as told by my parents going back to 1930 - 1950 and a wee bit of my take on the differences in society, sorry you didnt like it, hope you do some of my future work.
Kind Regars
Helen
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Something that I often notice in poems, especially ones of this length, is an issue with punctuation. Punctuate sentences, not lines: only use capital letters at the beginning of sentences, and use periods at the ends. Use commas to separate ideas.
Two grammar errors in your first line: "minds" should be "mind's" and "clear" should be "clearly": adjectives describe nouns, adverbs describe verbs.
I like the way you fit the rhyme in naturally, placing emphasis on meaning rather than rhyme. I also like the theme of this poem: a little pessimistic, but true.
The only other problem I found in this poem has to do with word choice. For example, "But the papers back then had so few to report." "Little" would be a better choice than "few."
My verdict: publishable, after a quick reread for grammar errors. Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 4.
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