*******What is Your Name? (I Sat Down Again Forever)*******


I have been walking along the empty streets heading to the shore.I saw a handsome young man sitting behind a glossy small rock. He called me and began to talk "how are you, lady?Have you looked at the moon tonight?" I was so confused but I could not resist him, he was very attractive so I said "what? Yes, but why do you ask?" He said, "Isn't it beautiful? Do not you see its charm? Doesn't it steal both the mind and soul?" I replied,"actually it is charming but tell me why are sitting here?"

"Look at this sparkly rock, it only shines by the moonlit and it doesn't by the sunlight."He alleged. I wondered" why?" He replied, "Because there are two lovers buried behind it, they met everyday here a long time ago; sit down and I'll tell you their story."

"Ok, thanks; I really want to hear." I said and sat down for a while.

"The lover's name was Charming. He used to stroll along this way of the shoreline every night, when all the creatures sleep, silence, and peace fill the place and the moon and stars shine brilliant in a clear sky. Then in his way back, he sits to this rock and draws some shapes of a gorgeous girl in the sand. He stays a while and never removes the drawings before going back home. He did that everyday and after some days when the moon was full and gleamed as it never did before, he found the sand move with the rays of the moon. It made the sand girl shake and dance. He was captured by both wonder and fear. Then a shooting star hit down straight in the sand-girl's heart. Suddenly, the girl rose to be the girl of his imaginings. The rain of bliss was pouring down in the shape of a big heart at the rock. He named her Sandy. He held her in his arms and gave her a marevellous kiss. They were like that until the moon has gone and the sun began to rise. He woke up in crack of dawn to stumble on being on his own. He called her out (Sandy…Sandy) and he ran over here and out there to find her but in vain. He even did not locate a trace for the rain and the girl was still drawn in the sand. He realized it was just a dream so he left for work. The following night, he went to stroll as usual and in his way back home he looked vigilantly at this rock and noticed a carved name; he traced it and it was Sandy. He knew it was not a castle in the air that happened the day before; it is reality. Looking at the earth, he saw a petite silver heart by the rock. He picked it and went back. In the first morning to follow, he was engrossed in work until he perceived a glittery silvery heart in a keyring in a gorgeous hand. He raised his eyes to find Sandy facing him. She asks him about the vacant job in his office. He tells her that (there is not vacant job in his company no more). She was disappointed but he goes on telling her that (there is a vacant job in my heart; do you agree to tie the knot with me?). Without wonder or hesitation, she said (I do). He asked her about her name and she replied Sandy. They lived blissfully and peacefully together for an extended time. They had a little infant, a son. Once the spouse went to meet our maker, the wife breathed her last breath just after him, the same hour and that's their story." He said.

"That's really romantic and dreamy." I assumed. He said," You give the impression of being as if you're searching for something." I whispered, "Yes, I'm looking for my Prince Charming, excuse me." He beamed and said, "Good luck and here's this silver heart, bestow it to him." I thanked him and get to my feet to leave "Farewell, Mr…, oh, what's your name?" He replied, "Prince, one of the descendants of Charming and Sandy." thus, I gave him back the heart and sat down again but this time was forever, eternally.

Author notes

I know, it may have lots of mistakes.........but help me improve my style

Please tell me what you think

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Comments


  • Frozen Angel
    July 25, 2007

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    I like the overall idea of the story, but it's not the best. 

    Okay. since you want advice on your writing style, I would suggest you add more detail to your story.

    For example, try to answer these questions...

    1. What did the guy look like? 
    Instead of just describing him as 'handsome', tell us his hair color, his body shape, the color of his eyes, how old he looked, etc. Try to make it so the readers can visualize what the man looked llike in their head. You can do the same with the woman. 

    2. What did their surroundings look like?
    You did this a little bit,  but not much. I mean, what did the streets the woman was traveling look like. Was there litter? Was it a paved or dirt road? Were there any animals around? Any birds in the trees? Could she see the waves rolling onto the shore in the distance?  

    3. What were the surrounding sounds?
    Were birds singing in the trees? Could she hear the tides rolling in and out? Could she hear children and parents playing on the beach? Was it a calm night or could they hear thunder?

    4. What were the characters feeling?
    Was there a slight breeze that chilled their skin? Was it a warm summer's night? How about there emotions? What was going through her head when the man told her the story?

    This is called imagery and can improve your writing a lot. 

    I also have some suggestions on your structure. I think you should break up the paragraph where the man is telling her the story into a few seperate paragraphs. That way, it is not just one big block paragraph and your readers won't get so bored reading so much text all at once.

    Also, every time a new person speaks, you should put the dialogue in a new paragraph.

    Just some suggestions, the story has potential. I hope that helps!

    *Frozen Angel*
      


    • Hebz
      September 24, 2007
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      Thnxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

      This's the best critique I've ever read...

      Actually you hepled me much in this...

      I'll edit it & re-submit

      My tongue is locked, Can't express how much I'm thankful for your comment

      Thnxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx alot


      GloriousGift
      Heba