The Room

The room is small. The windows are covered in heavy wire mesh. I sit in the corner wrapped up in a heavy, weighted blanket. A staff from the program I live at is sitting in the doorway watching my every move, making sure I don’t try to hurt myself for the millionth time. She’s standing guard over my life for me. A position I abdicated several months ago.

I have covered my ears with my headphones and am feeding them a constant stream of music, trying to drown out the voices that no one else hears and the thoughts that I don’t want to be thinking. Rocking back and forth I try to burn out the wire of restless energy that I can not seem to rid myself of. My body wants to move and run and self-destruct, but I can’t go down that path. I know exactly where that path leads. It leads to me lying face down on the floor, being held against my will for as long as the staff at my program feel is necessary. I’d be crying and whimpering and begging for them to let me die, and they wouldn’t even bother to dignify me with a response other then, “you know what you need to do to be let out of this restraint”.

Right now the room is pregnant with a heavy silence. It’s too heavy, I feel like I’m suffocating, but at the same time I feel like I’m about to float off, spin away. Pulling the blanket tighter around me, I whisper for Cide and Nodae to shut up. I know that they’re only real for me, but that doesn’t make them any less scary. In fact it makes things worse.

My face is wet. I put my hand up to it and wipe away the wetness. It’s tears, I’m crying. When did I start crying? Why do I have to feel so alone? Why is life so painful and scary?

So many questions press against my lips, begging to be released into the world, but I hold onto the silence instead. I’m scared. I’m scared that if I open myself up all the way and get rejected, I won’t be able to recover. It will hurt too badly and I won’t bounce back.

I want to be excepted so badly, but I can’t even accept myself, so how can I expect anyone else to accept me?

I look around the room, it’s empty accept for my CD player, my journal, and the weighted blanket swallowing my small body. I look hard at the staff in the doorway. When she looks up and catches my studying her, staring at her, I look away.

“It makes me uncomfortable when you stare at me like that.” She tells me.

Well it makes me uncomfortable when you stick me in this room and keep me alive. Your expectations make me uncomfortable. The pressure you put on me makes me uncomfortable. Your rules make me uncomfortable. Life makes me uncomfortable.

I don’t say this, I just fall further into myself and cry harder.

I’m too small and fragile. I’m too open and vulnerable. Sometimes I don’t think I was meant for this world.

Soon the night will end though. Soon my medication will have kicked in and I’ll follow into a deep medicated sleep. Soon it will just have been another normal night in the life of Frostany Starr. Then tomorrow will come, and I’ll have to do it all again. That’s just the way my life goes.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • Artificial.Smiles. gold member
    August 19

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    I really liked this story. It had me interested from the beginning all the way to the end. It was a well though story, and everything came together nicely. I enjoyed the read. There was, however, a few spelling/grammatical errors that need to be fixed. Still, I loved the story, good luck!


  • Living.Disaster
    January 4

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    'Right now the room is pregnant with a heavy silence.'
    I don't really know why but that sentance really appeals to me.
    Good Writing I really enjoy it.


  • Infectious Insanity
    November 8, 2007

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    great. it captivated me from beginning to the end, and i want to know what happens next!
    soo sad and i loved hit


    good luck and thanks for entering

    *sheep*


  • Bitter Irony
    October 13, 2007

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    You do an excellent job at getting an emotional response from the reader with this unique--and slightly disturbing--piece. However, see if you can fit a message into the story; why did you write it? What are you trying to tell the reader about depression and those who live with it? Should we do more for them, or leave them to themselves? You raised these questions in the story, but didn't help us form answers.

    A few grammar hints: first, avoid fragments whenever possible. Use semicolons, elipses, or em-dashes to connect thoughts, such as the two sentences at the end of the first paragraph. Put a comma between phrases such as "rocking back and forth[,]" and the subject of the sentence. In dialog, end sentences with a comma inside the quotation marks and don't capitalize pronouns in the speaker tag: for example,

    “It makes me uncomfortable when you stare at me like that[,]” [s]he tells me. (consider using the word "says" in place of "tells me"--it flows better).

    Overall, nice presentation of a scene. I'd love to see you add some more depth to it.

    ~Bitter Irony


  • The Wall
    September 14, 2007

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    Interesting, and slightly distrubing. Well written and highly entertaining. Good job and good luck in the contest.


  • Saej silver member
    June 13, 2007

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    "empty accept for my". "Accept" should be "except", and in the paragraph before that, it should be "so 'how' can I expect...". "my" should be "me". Interesting. It was well written. Good job, and good luck in the contest.

1 - 6 of 6