Runanway Time

Time on my hands;

slipping through space and thought -
through the wheat fields
of barren farms, across the
landscape of eternal hues
toward nothing.

Awash with
tone from a brilliant sky,
contrast increased,
looking over shoulders -
everywhere stretches into
an infinate circle ...

One could walk
for a mile and
find themselves where
they left -

the hum of traffic so distant
it could be the gentle
song of a bird;
its engine whispering and
reverberating
around the hollow tree.

Standing nowhere
amongst reflections of paintings,

nature's breath on my face ...
nothing becomes everything,
and everything,

is everywhere.

Author notes

i am not sure what i would submit this to. whatever would feel right. this could easily fit into many cateogries. This is an old one of mine, written after simply taking in my surroundings.

A contest entry

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Comments


  • Bitter Irony
    June 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Great imagery, and thank you so much for using proper grammar and punctuation! You've got quite a few original ideas worked into this poem: however, some of the phrases seemed picked for dramatic effect rather than for meaning.

    For example: what are you talking about when you mention "eternal hues"? "Awash with tone" would sound better as "awash with color." "Standing nowhere amongst reflections of paintings" Why do you mention paintings all of a sudden? And why use the word "amongst" when "among" works just as well?

    Your last line seems to be trying too hard. "nothing becomes everything,
    and everything is everywhere." It's a classic example of what one poetry editor called "saying so much, it's meaningless." What do you really want to say?

    My favorite line is "One could walk
    for a mile and
    find themselves where
    they left -"
    It has such a great image tagging along with it. However, you start by saying "one" and then switch to third person plural with "themselves" and "they"--fix that.

    Very nice work. If you just cut a few of those melodramatic lines, I would certainly pay to publish this. :-) Too bad I don't own a web-zine, huh?

    Thanks for entering the contest!


    beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 1, dialog: 3, characters: 4.

    • EdwardClay
      June 14, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      thank you so much for the coment - ti was nice to get some good honest and gritty critique, heh. a coupel of the things you ahve pointed out have been things i have glossed over, like the use of One and then the third eprson. i didn't notice that at all. some of the points though, i don't intend on implementing, BUT what i could do is to make them more clear so that they dont need me explaining them ehre.

      the aprt abotu paintings is there as a referene to the other images; hues, tone, contrast - it is meant to be the person seeing the land as a painting, and not being fully aware to its realism and beauty - it is soemthing that is meant to be unbelieveable, but so close you can almsot breathe it - it's abotu appreciating your surroundigs, and wanting that feel to become, well, real.

      thanks for the help, i'l work on it t make things clearer.

      edward