You think

I try to understand,
be there for you
every step of the way.

With one mis-taken foot
the venom returns,
and there's nothing I can say.

You believe yourself flawless.
Everything I do is wrong.
Then why are you here anyway?

Your words are empty promises
set out upon your whim.
My head's in disarray.

What I once believed in
is now tattered and torn.
Our lives became a bitter ballet.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments


  • Bitter Irony
    June 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Well phrased--I know exactly what you're talking about. :-) Good job on using clear, precise language to get the point across.

    I suggest adding a few periods at the ends of sentences, and taking out the comma in the last line. If you don't pause there when reading out loud (and I don't know why you would), you don't need a comma.

    One thing this poem does seem to be lacking is a conclusion. Your last line feels like it could fit pretty much anywhere in the poem: it isn't obviously the ending. It doesn't provide a new look at the situation or say something the reader wasn't expecting. Last lines can be very powerful things, and with your talent for words, I think you could pound out an amazing one.

    My verdict: publishable. The challenge would be getting this poem to really stand out in a crowd of outstanding ones. In other words: when found amoung poems like the ones on amuter web sites, it looks amazing. When submited to an e-zine alongside other publishable writers, it won't stand out quite as much. Work in a good conclusion or something else to make this poem unique, to show that only you could have written it.

    Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!

    beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 2, dialog: 3, characters: 3.


  • LostShadow silver member
    June 13, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Very nicely written. Loved the whole flow of it and wording. Some powerful sentances. I loved "You believe yourself flawless" very nicely written. I also loved how the last line worked in with the poem very nice conclusion.

    Welcome to StoryWrite, if you have any questions the Greeters are here to help out

    Keep up the great work

    Em