The day it all changed

Last July 24 was my fourtenth birthday. The night before i couldn't get to sleep because i was so excited about1

my birthday, so i stayed up late till around 1 in the morning. When i finally did get to sleep i didn't sleep for long.2

I woke up at  10 and it started out like every other birthday i had. I got up and went and checked on my dad because he sleeps during the day and works at night. My dad was sleeping so i went downstairs and ate breakfast. I went into the living room afterwards to watch tv and play with my cats. My sister Jynnafer was in North Carolinia with a family friend on vacation. My youngest sister Katelynn was at our friend Karen's house, she had spent the night. So it was just me and my dad. My mom being at work and all. At 11:30 the phone rang. It was a guy asking for my dad. I asked him what he wanted and he told me just to get my dad. I told the guy that my dad was sleeping. The guy said to wake him up because it was important. It kind of sounded like the guy was crying. I didn't know what was wrong so i got my dad. I gave him the phone and left the room. I went back downstairs and watched the tv while my dad was on the phone. The doorbell rang and i got up to get it. My dad's work buddy Al was at the door. He was sort of a family friend. He said he wanted to talk to my dad. I told him to wait inside because my dad was on the phone. My dad came down just then and he had tears in his eyes. I knew something was definitly wrong then because he never cried, never. I asked daddy what was wrong and he said to go sit in the living room so i went and sat on the floor in there. I heard my dad and Al whispering. I couldn't make out much all i heard was im so sorry......dead. My daddy started crying harder. I asked daddy repeatedly what was wrong. He finally told me. He walked over to me and said that my Uncle John had died that morning. I just sat there with tears streaming down my face. I didn't make a sound. I jumped up and ran outside. I ran to my uncle john's house he lived just across the street. The door was locked so i sat down on his porch and cried. Only 10 minutes had past and i went back home. Al had left and daddy was sitting on the couch. The phone rang and daddy didn't get up to get it. So i picked it up afraid it was another person calling to tell us about John. It wasn't. It was my brother kenny calling from Texas to wish me a happy birthday. Before i could say anything. He said wow your finally 14. I didn't think you were gonna make it. What he said made me cry even harder. He asked me what was wrong and i told him about John. I guess i was talking pretty fast because he asked me to slow down and speak a little clearer. When he was finally able to make out what i said he said he was sorry and to call him later. I hung up and turned around and daddy said he had called mom and that her and Karen we're coming home and to pack enough clothes for 2 days. He said i was going to stay with Karen for little bit because he didn't want me to be here when everybody stopped by to give their condolences. About a half an hour later mom and karen we're here and i was still crying. I hadn't stopped once. Mom told me that i had stop crying. That i had to be strong because Kate still didn't know about John. She said i had to act like nothing wrong. it wasn't hard to act like that because i had already gone to a state of shock. I went with karen to her house. by the time we got there i had already got it in my head that when i got home uncle john would be as always and that i would go and see him. I went side and and for the next three days i didn't think about John dieing, i didn't think about anything. I didn't feel anything. When i fell on the concrete outside karen's pool i got up looked at my hands they were pretty scratched up but i didn't feel a thing. During the day i looked happy and normal nothing seemed to be wrong. But at i night everything came back and i had nightmares i would wake up crying and sweating but for some wierd reason i never made a sound. I buried feelings and thoughts until they we're buried so deep even i couldn't find them.  Karen's daughter Tammy  knew about John so she would occasionally come up to me and hug me. She sometimes did it while Kate was around so i told her to stop. I almost didn't want to go to the funeral but i did and i cried the entire time. At some point i snuck off and took a walk. When i came back my tears were dried and i couldn't cry anymore. I had gone into shock agian just when my feelings had started to show and this time i couldn't reach them. Nobody could. For the rest of the summer i stayed locked in my room and i hardly came out. Mostly i was reading. Sometimes writing. I read nonstop. When school started i was different. My friends didn't know me anymore and i had a tendiency to read the entire class period. I got my first detention ever that year. I didn't care. Later in the year i started to become my old self agian. I didn't have the nigtmare's as often and hardly ever cried. My cousin Tara had a wedding this summer in June. I was trying to convince my dad to come and dance but he wouldn't when my mom said that my uncle john would have danced with me. I don't know why but i started to cry. My mom looked at me and wante dto know why and all i said was john. 3

It's been almost a year now and my birthday is coming up in 1 week and 2 days. I still cry. but not as much. i still don't show my feelings. but you can read them. i have found another way to express myself. Through my writing. Although ive been writing for years john's death really started me going and ive been writing nonstop. I'm still dreading my birthday knowing that i share my birthday with his deathday. But i take comfort in knowing that im not the only one who bares that burden. My uncle Roy's birthday is also the 24 of July. he's having a party on that day this year too but we'll be a little late. Daddy promised me i could go see uncle john every year on our day. and im holding him to it. Although im not happy im not exactly sad either. Though i wish he was here i know he's gone for a reason. he wouldn't have left if there wasn't one. Uncle John if your reading this. I love you.4