BEN BORDEN1
In the old days, when the house was young, her tenants were young, and come to think of it, the neighborhood was young. Change was on hold; frozen by catastrophic events. It was as if world affairs had created a climate in which it was too dangerous for major changes to take place at home; too risky. Change was taking place elsewhere; many of us were watching, remaining still, holding our breath. People held on to what they had. They didn’t seem to age. Lives were on hold. We waited to see what the outcome of the war would be. Who would come home; who wouldn’t.2
Of course, people got older, but not so as you could notice. And oddly, no one died in the building during those years. But there were two gold stars on the flag that covered the wall next to the elevator. The two stars indicated two sons of the building who were killed in action overseas. You couldn’t stand by the elevator and not see them. 3
There used to be a pretty little electric fireplace in the lobby that cast a red glow through large, dull chunks of colored glass. Its light had long gone out and it was dark.4
The building had had a canopy. That too was long gone, as was the huge, majestic tapestry that graced the lobby. The telephone booth between stairwells was filled with rolls of rubber mats when the public telephone was removed, and after the war, the manually operated elevator was replaced by a self-service unit, exciting at first but never to compare with the "class" of the manned car, the sound of her gate opening and closing. 5
But for all of these superficial alterations, hardly anyone moved into the building. No one moved out. The war was on. No one was going anywhere. And, everyone seemed to know everyone else. There were few strangers. It was a comfortable place. 6
Ruth Kruger, a nice, quiet and attractive brunette who was always dressed elegantly liked to hand me a dime occasionally. She would merely stop, rummage in her purse and, handing me the dime, for no reason, say: “here.” She had been engaged to one of the boys who was killed. Years later my father befriended a man, who became his best friend. The man had borne the loss of a son during the war. One day, my father learned quite casually, when his friend asked if we ever knew Ruth Kruger, that it was this man’s son who had been Ruth’s fianceé. It was his gold star we had been looking at all those years. Connections. Invisible threads. 7
The people next door to us were in close enough proximity to sport the titles of uncle and aunt. Otherwise they were Millie and Ben Borden. Millie and Ben lived in a two room apartment like ours but had no children so their place had a different climate. It was neat, tidy, if not sterile. On Millie’s lovely coffee table sat an oval china candy dish with a very delicate pattern. She invariably offered a piece of candy from it, but I found it a decidedly adult assortment. It was not chocolaty; there were no jellies or marmalades or fruit-filled sweets inside the dish. These offerings were more like mints, butterscotch, sugary, dull. It was candy of the worst variety I ever tasted. I never asked for a second piece and was always disappointed when Millie, on subsequent visits, lifted the china lid once again to reveal the same selection. This was the major treat, the only offering, the sole diversion in Millie and Ben’s apartment. 8
Many a pleasant Sunday afternoon would find Millie and Ben strolling in the park or sitting on one of the many park benches. If a chill in the air called for it, Millie wore a fox stole which fascinated me because the fox’s face on it was still intact. It rivaled the candies for amusement. Millie was rarely hatless on these Sunday outings, wearing hats too complicated to describe.9
Ben was always immaculately clad. His three piece suits were perfectly fitted, neatly and sharply pressed and of fine worsted wool. He was never seen outdoors without a hat. His hair was quite thin and he wore a crisply turned down gray Fedora which he tilted at a rakish angle. And he sported a pencil thin mustache. Ben could be described as dapper. 10
The Sunday meetings in the park were light and pleasant with a jovial air, sometimes terminating in a walk to one of our neighborhood bakeries for cakes which we might all later share over coffee (or milk), served on Millie’s delicate china, on her coffee table. These Sunday afternoons were agreeable enough so that I often wished we might repeat the getting together at some future time during the week. Tuesday, however, was out of the question. Tuesday was Ben’s night out with the boys.11
There were many occasions when something or another arose on a Tuesday. My father would ring the Bordens' bell. 12
“No. We’d love to. But it’s Ben’s night out with…the boys.”13
It became somewhat of a joke and we never really knew what transpired during these “nights out.” Nor did we ever get to see any of “the boys.”14
After the war the changes that had been on hold began to take effect. It was like a sleeping giant beginning to stir. Some of the men came home. People purchased cars. Apartment dwellers purchased homes in New Jersey and moved away. New tenants moved into the building. The fireplace remained dark, dormant. Some people died. And Millie, Millie began to change.15
It started with her knocking on the wall. Incessant scales and piano practicing may have played a part in precipitating her response but it escalated. Millie began to rap on the wall at the slightest noises. Every sound became a major disturbance that elicited from her a surge of pounding. And often my mother responded in kind. Soon we stopped talking to one another and glances when passing on the street were averted. 16
At first Ben was apologetic, tried to explain, mollify, mediate. Nothing seemed to work and the situation became worse. Exacerbated by Millie’s encroaching breakdown and perhaps by my conscientious practicing we all avoided one another. Millie buried her head in the folds of her coat collar, took to the stairs if others were in the vicinity of the elevator, and even amiable, genial, Ben stopped talking to us and avoided contact.17
There were uncomfortable moments which were spent with Ben while awaiting the arrival of the elevator, riding with him in its enclosed space, or traversing our hallway together. But he was never anywhere to be seen in the building on Tuesday; boys’ night out.18
My father came home one night after a late meeting, downtown, at his office. It was on a Tuesday. He had been passing a Bickford’s Cafeteria on Sixth Avenue when he happened to peer inside. There, he told us, sitting dressed immaculately, over a newspaper and coffee was Ben Borden. It was too late to have been early, too early to have been late. Had his night out been cancelled?19
Only two weeks later, after years of what he had accepted as tradition (albeit wrapped in a light air of mystery) my father had occasion to pass the Bickford’s again, on a Tuesday night. Once more, the hour was late. He stopped at the window and scanned the interior. There in the back, sitting by himself, over a crumbling bran muffin and coffee, legs crossed as he read his paper, was Ben Borden. It was Boy’s Night Out.20
Author notes
This is a short story, not to be confused with a "trip down memory lane." Like the story LUCKY, it is based on fact, and historically accurate, but presents something more, particularly to the careful reader. There are disparate elements galore which propel the story forward, as well as thematic material.
A contest entry
- I'm Looking For A Good Story by WillyLee.
550 points, ended May 23, 25 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your best work! by Shadowed Phoenix.
750 points, ended August 7, 39 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Remembrance Day by Ahava.
450 points, ended November 25, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Qualifying Round -The Best Writer Ever!!!! by MoonRoseWolf.
300 points, ended November 28, 71 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 64 of 64
-
A brilliant story
This imagery was amazing in this, as I felt I could see and touch everything in this apartment building, and I also loved the warmth with which this story seemed to be written.
The only thing I would have against it is that the 'war' part seemed a little rushed, as though you were very eager to get to the part about Ben, but it was still very well paced throughout.
Overall, a great story, and I enjoyed reading it!
-
Hey. Although not exactly sure that this has much to do with REMEMBRANCE DAY (read the rules for an explanation of what that is), I think I'll give this one to you. It's extremely well written with an amazing attention to detail. It's wonderful.
One of the things I might suggest changing however:
"These offerings were more like mints, butterscotch, sugary, dull. " Perhaps it would be better to say "These offeringe were more like mints and butterscotch; sugary and dull." Because mint is an actual candy. Sugary and dull are not.
Other than that, this was a superbly written piece.
Very well done and good luck in the contest! -
Interesting
I have to admit, this is not normally my cup of tea, but I did like it a little. I found the pacing to be a little awkward, almost rushed, like you were trying to fit so much in a too little space. I'm confused though, was the story more about the war or Ben Borden?
. Rewarded 6
-
was the boy thing that the apostraphe (') was placed differently...all the way through it was boys', and then the last sentence it was boy's?
Really good story by the way
-
Amazing.......
Very well-written, descriptive short story. I appreciated the words you used, and the characters were well-percieved. The story, to me, kind of sounded nostalgic. I could glimpse both sadness and fondness in your words. It was enjoyable.=)=)
. Rewarded 4
-
well
I really liked it
i thought it was genuinly involving
and it was very detailed
you would think it would be boring
but i really was into it
. Rewarded 4
-
Sorry man, this is a bit longer than I'm looking for for this contest, although its very well written.
Gotta DQ ya, sorry again. -
Thoughts
From beginning to end, I was drawn in- especially since I used to be (and still somewhat is) a history 'nerd'. But I've a question: Why didn't you use a question mark for the two last lines in paragraph two? Nevertheless bravo *clap*
. Rewarded 4
-
Very well written! I understood that you wanted to contrast the small changes in the Bordens' marriage, the building, and the neighborhood after the War vs. the large changes in the world and in U.S. society brought on by the War. But I must confess I didn't "get" the finer points until I read the Key For All Who Might Wish. As always, your writing is perfect and by this I mean in vocabulary, grammar, plot; in short, all the elements that have to do with good writing and composition. Sometimes I don't get things because I'm not familiar with the references or because I fail to notice things. If I must be frank, I didn't notice Boys' and Boy's but that is no fault of yours! And this was a very important thing in the story. I apologize for not seeing it..
Millie reminded me of my mother and the Bordens' marriage reminded me of my parents' marriage. Also Millie's candy dish on the coffee table reminded me of my Aunt Haydée who had one, too, and just like the child in the story, I didn't care for her candy but had to eat one every time I went there "just to be nice"... (!)
-
I quite liked this work. It was well written and had a certain outlook on human relationships. Not only that but I do agree that everything is connected, whether or not it can be seen. Very much liked the ending. Good job.
-
You need to place the information I asked for in your A/N in order for this story to be placed as a winner in the contest.
I'd actually read this before but I guess I did not comment on it then.Perhaps I had nothing to say?
Anyhow, this story was wonderfully writen and held my attention until it was through. Its intreging how you can take such a thin plotline and make it into such a wonderful story. I like the 'walk down memory lane' type stories and this was one of the best of them. How you described the deterating relationship of the neighbors and how it held together through the war then as change began it began to dereate in more ovious manerism. I think this is one of my fovorite stories so far in this contest. Thank you for entering. -
hmmm...I find this a very interesting take on human relationships. As you state, everything is 'connected' in a way in the microcosm of everyday living. Especially in time of war, these relationships become ever closer. I really liked the ending; it showed that even in the dullest, most ordinary marriages, there are always problems.
Really enjoyed the piece! -
In paragraph 11, "which we might all later share over coffee (or milk)..." the parentheses should be taken out, I think. Other than that, I didn't notice any mistakes. This was a teensy bit spooky as well, but it was more like "well, that's odd," kind of spooky. Once again, great details; I could completely picture Millie and Ben and the way they walked and talked, the little idiosyncrasies they had, just by the way you described their appearance and etc. It seemed very realistic, too. Well done, you are very talented.
~Trillian~
-
Although this is presented as memory-based fiction, it could easily have been presented as truth. The entire thing seems realistic, and vivid like a true childhood memory. Many details are presented which bring a sense of life and realism, but the details themselves are not described with excessive detail. This is good because otherwise the descriptive details might get in the way of the story, and also it allowed me to use my imagination to fill in the blanks. The story conveys a message without saying too much or shouting out. I mean the writing is subdued, disciplined, and controlled. The only thing is, it seems that to get a lot of meaning out of this story, I have to speculate at the risk of reading too much into it, or misreading your intent. The story might be saying that the effects of the war on American life were profound, but delayed or gradual. But then again, the effect on a family caused by losing a son to war would seem to be immediate. It could be that Ben and Millie had never got along well, so that Ben had always had to get off by himself once a week, but this fact remained hidden, as though one of the effects of the war was to bring things out into the open. Maybe Millie would have liked to have banged on the wall sooner, but she did not feel as free to do so. Anyway, the story suggests a lot of things to me, but these "connections, invisible threads" are maybe a bit too tenuous. I sense that everything in this story has a purpose, and propels the story towards something, even if I do not quite know what that something is. You describe the building as "a comfortable place," and it certainly became less comfortable later on. A couple of minor suggestions: The first sentence is a bit confusing and could maybe be improved by changing the punctuation: In the old days when the house was young, her tenants were young; and come to think of it, the neighborhood was young. I have only removed one comma, and changed another comma to a semicolon. I am not good with semicolons, so maybe a period would be better if you don't mind starting a sentence with "And." Also, paragraph 12, Borden's should probably be Bordens' (misplaced apostrophe). I hope this comment is not too long, but I think this is a fine story, and got me feeling and thinking a good deal. Thanks for entering the contest!
-
Oh, and fiancée is still mispelled. You've got the accent on the wrong 'e'.
-
I found it very effective how you moved along, first evoking this milieu where all these people came together, and you move the story out of that, and finally Ben Borden seems to personify the loneliness of the new way. Well, at any rate, that is a transient impression of the story, the one I'm currently entertaining. I admire your ability to bring multiple people to life along with their environment in one short story. I can't do that, myself.
I'd rather I'd read this on paper, though. I'm not comfortable reading complicated material on a computer screen. I'm curious now -- do you publish any of your work?
I have at least one proofreading note. Your first sentence is a fragment. You never compliment the prepositional statement started by "when" with an independent clause. Because this is the first sentence, this might throw some readers.
At any rate, perhaps I shall revisit this. It probably deserves a more in-depth reading
Mike -
-
In reply to Mike...
Thanks. But...on the proofreading note: You are reading the sentence incorrectly (the fault mostly with the vagueries of the language: "In the old days, when the house was young, the tenants were young" Period! (these subsequent phrases were not phrases separated by commas to indicate that something ELSE was GOING TO HAPPEN....
The poor sentence can be, alas, read two ways! But thank you. Appreciate it. Also, on fiancee...I did not place the accent...as I had no way of doing it. The software did it! lol! (A poor worker always blames his software!)
GA
-
-
i think this is one of your better written stories. better written better flow. i'm alittle confused on boys night out. but that could just mean i'm really dense lol. really, great job!
-
-
A KEY FOR ALL WHO MIGHT WISH
Essentially this is a story about change...the great movements and changes in the world as against the inertia and ultimate microscopic changes in a neighborhood and it's microcosm of families and individuals.
Boys' (note the placement of the apostrophe) night out was Ben's dealing with a deteriorating marriage and wife. It was Ben's secret, weekly, escape. But there were no "boys!" Ben, in the end, was revealed to be the only "boy!" Hence the last mention of this faux gala: Boy's (note the placement of the apostrophe) night out! One of my personal favorite paragraphs and a proud technical achievement for me was the paragraph about Ruth giving the child a dime (change)...and the revelation about "invisible connections and threads!" I believe the graph ends with those words..."Connections...invisible threads!"
There were lots of connections and relationships between time,characters and events to fit into one graph, in a clear sequence. It could have been confusing...I didn't want to drag it out, and I hope it did not serve to diffuse. It had a great bearing on the story and it's implications and undercurrents. There is more to this tale than meets the eye. I hope the reader "gets" it.... The section I mention DID meet MY criteria...and most seem to have understood...even without prompting.
Finally, reading carefully one might sense that not only was Ben's "muffin" crumbling, but so was his left over life. Ben, as were so many after the war, alone...in a changing world. It is a story not so much drawn in primary colors but some dark pastels and shades of gray.
GA
-
-
I liked it, I just wish that there was some hint of what happened inside Millie, or what drove Ben away once every week to help tie the story to its conclusion. It ended with enough mystery to make me want more, but too much to feel satisfied from reading. Excellent writing, as always, but your very first sentence is a dangling particple, maybe make its period a semi-colon.
-
I said I'd return all of my comments, so I am. And I have to honestly say if it wasn't for that I wouldn't have picked this piece out to read. Not saying that it isn't written well, it's written fine, it's just not my taste. I kind of got the feeling that one gets when reading out of a history textbook in school. Well, thanks again for the comment, and everything.
-
Interesting. 'Connections. Invisible threads.' That explains the funny 'small world' chance connections so well. The style I find you write in reminds me (in the material and for lack of a better word, genre) of some of Bailey White's short stories. Hers tend to be a little more focused towards humor, but there are many similarities.
I like the historical pull. It moves the story along, like you say.
-
A pleasant little story all around. Kind of reminds me of some of John Irving's wors... well, except there's no wrestling nor writing. But anyway, the viewpoint of a child, and the quirky people remind me of Irving. Keep up the good work.
. Rewarded 4
-
This would be a good Novella.
You are able to see into your characters and portray them as you see them, real people. You show the best and worst of them, not many writers spend time getting to know their characters as well as you do.
Congratulations on a story that comes across as a vignette of your own life.
Lis.
-
I liked the idea of them eating food from the bakery on her fine china. I wonder if Millie knew where he went on Boy's Night Out.
There was one line that confused me a bit. "Incessant scales and piano practicing may have played a part in precipitating her response but it escalated."
I wondered who was practicing, and when. Because the first time I read over it, I thought it meant hers and this was just some evidence of her going mad.
They were both interesting characters. I had a few guesses about why it was that he had to get away every tuesday -
Very Good!
A sad tale, but one that is difficult to decribe emotionally. Sad is not enough to decribe the power behind the words. The meaning behind each phrase.
You have done a great job and I found little trouble with it, except for the part below.
"On Millie’s lovely coffee table was an oval china candy dish with a very delicate pattern. I was always offered a piece of candy from it. It was a decidedly adult assortment."
-You have three sentences here each with the word 'was'. I makes the flow choppy and passive voice. You need to put the subjects in the subject position. For example, 'She always offered me a piece of candy from the decidedly adult assortment.'
Other than that, I wonderful piece. Great Job.
. Rewarded 8
-
-
Mea Culpa...and, I hope, fixed!
Thank you for a most perspicacious catch. It WAS my oversight...and I appreciate you eye and/or ear! I have, I hope, remedied the awkwardness of the passage. Check it. I altered some of the other "offenders" in that area. I thought they contributed to the red-flagginess!
Thanks.
GA -
-
Much Better.
It sounds and reads so much better now. Great fix.
-
-
-
I loved it. I actually almost predicted that "the boys night out" would be something like this and even then the end seemed to hit me - it's just your language I guess. You have skillfully used your language to build strong characters and portray relationships and change. Once again, I loved it. Do keep writing!
. Rewarded 6
-
This was quite good. "The boys night out" Was not at all what it seemed. The way you have described the charaters is really excellent.The way relationships change and the way the people surrounding the boy change with time is something we all have gone through in our lives.Great job!!!!!!!!!
-
I really dig this piece. Steinbeck's influence on your eye and style almost sings in some parts. It's something I'd want to read again for that ambient hum.
Not nearly as equivocative as some other stuff I've read by you. You let the story rule the day for the most part. BEN GORDON has more voice than the author, and that's a good thing.
Little stuff. In your third sentence for instance, you use "in which it" when "that" would have been sufficient. Usually, vigorous writing lends itself to brevity. But this piece doesn't have so many of those missteps. Rather, much of the fat serves to keep the reader warm (a particularly Steinbeckian achievement).
-
Your characters and situations are always interesting.
Your characters and situations are always interesting. The boy growing up feeling that around him life in his building and the people don’t change—then they do. He tells us it became apparent with the ending of the war, but we sense it was happening in bits all along, as is the natural progression of life.
Millie and Ben Borden were young, in love and it flowed over in their relationships with their neighbors. Ben played the macho role with his “Boys’” night out. Then came age and Millie probably went into her “Change” without the benefit of modern science. The cute little child became the obnoxious, noisy older youth next door. Ben continued to role-play and sadly was discover. He sounded so pathetic sitting there alone. I do wonder if he ever found out, his farce had been discovered?
It was his gold star we had been looking at all those years. Connections. Invisible threads. (I felt some of the emotion I experience when I visit War Memorials).
It was candy of the worst variety I ever tasted. I never asked for a second piece. (This of course bought you a grin)
This was the major treat, the only offering, the sole diversion in Millie and Ben’s apartment. Query?---(This says one thing. And this) The Sunday meetings in the park were light and pleasant with a jovial air, sometimes terminating in a walk to one of our neighborhood bakeries for cakes which we might all later share over coffee (or milk), served on Millie’s delicate china, on her coffee table. (contradicts it.) Or was that part of the change?
Geri
-
-
A case of...SPECIAL!
Geri,
The "only offering"..."treat" was from the child's point of view. "Coffee and cake" was nice...pleasant certainly, but not the kind of "treat" or "offering" a child would anticipate or consider special for him specifically...personally, as he enjoyed his favored, special status as child...at "aunt Mille's and uncle Ben's."
Coffee and cake (even milk) was "adult" fare! Nothing special!
-
-
Simpler times
a time when you could walk down the street and meet the eye of those you passed. I ache for those days. Days well before my time. This is a piece that on the first read you take everything in. Yet you can come back to it and read it again to find something that you did not give as much thought to something that is striking in it's simplicity. So much so in fact you don't understand how it seemed so mild before. I recommend reading this several times so that you can appreciate it fully. -
-
The prize goes to...the careful reader!
Im glad you read carefully. You are correct...there's a lot in here (like "boys'" night out...as opposed to "boy's" night out...for example! But I like to do that. And I love careful readers who see it. In regard to those "days"...I hark back to them also...but remember: Things aren't what they used to be...and they never were!
GA
-
-
< Numb with Glee
I only play piano for God and myself...and God is not thrilled. What are jeans?
Gratified that you stopped by and appreciated the tale. Very.
GA -
You know you've gotta winner with the people when they hang onto every word that is written and don't skim at all. I loved this piece. The way you wrote it was majestic, and I loved that none of it seemed forced...and came out so natural. Lovely piece of work. I can't wait to read more of your stuff. I'm enjoying it tremendously so far.
-
-
Majestic...
I feel like taking up Needlepoint...and embroidering your words on a pillow. Thank you for the generous accolade...! What a delightful reader you are. I'm delighted you enjoyed the piece. I promise more...and again, hope I can measure up to your expectations.
Best to you,
GA
-
-
Years later my father befriended a man, who became his best friend, who had borne the loss of a son during the war. (belabored sentence too many who's?)
fiancé=fiancée
"uncle and aunt"- my preference is for the order to be aunt and uncle, I don't know why, something alphabetical I guess.
fruit filled=fruit-filled
mints, butterscotch, sugary, dull.---something weird about that sentence, but I don't know how to fix it. I know what you mean, but...
Fox=fox
in tact=intact
Ooh, such a vision in the fox head stole, shivery!
The fireplace remained still.--> were you expecting it to get up and run away, because if you were it needs to be in one of my stories! :-)
this lonely ( needs a friend -->(albeit
could tighten by deleting that whole phrase -->(albeit wrapped in a light air of mystery
Yes, you were right, I like it! It gets better when you read it through and then start again at the top, I saw a lot more of the vision you were painting in the details of the building the second time around!
The house works so well for me because I grew up loving to hang out with older people-I'd adopt them and they'd adopt me so I've clear memories of houses like that! No, you didn't need to spell out that she was losing it with the knocking. I would have added a description of a really outrageous hat though.
One thing though, the original attraction for the boy to want to hang out over there--for me it was listening to stories. Stories of dancing and flappers, prohibition and happier younger times fascinated me as a kid and made me want to hang out with older folks in th first place.
~Six
-
-
Thanks for the comments. You are certainly right-on with most. However, allow me to defend one or two
irst...I stand in awe of your perceptive eye and editing skill. I certaily admit to my shortcoming when it comes to odd placement of capital letters, hyphens, commas and sometimes spelling. (Particularly of French words. lol!)Fiancee will be fixed, as will fruit-filled, intact and fox! Thank you for those. "Still" I DO believe you are correct, was the wrong, at least inexact word to describe the fireplace...but, for lack of the right one, I guess I got lazy and felt, in the absence of any correction, it conveyed the sense of what I wanted. BUT...you ARE correct. I shall work this out. Uncle and Aunt I wanted because it was Ben's story. And it was HE who was my favorite. Millie's hat is best left to the imagination (thankfully, for the reader) as although "heard melodies are sweet...etc.")And I shall find the other perens. Thank you so much for the time and...perspicacity! Appreciated. I do hope you liked the story despite all.
GA
-
-
Great story
I really enjoyed the details. I have visited places like the Borden's and I could even smell it as I was reading.
-
I really did love this story, like another by you I read, it had a slightly nostalgic air to it. But like another reveiwer said, it what chilling. The story of two people that seemed to have a hard time adapting to a new era was told with an expert storyteller's tone, the language was bright and vivid and the details you didn't go into were the best of all.
Love, love, loved it.. Rewarded 8
-
-
A Keats comment
Thank you for reading and commenting on Ben Borden. I enjoyed your comment that "the details not gone into were the best of all!" Well, Keats said it first: "Heard melodies are sweet...but those unheard are sweeter still." Thanks.
GA
-
-
Boy's Night Out
There is a pyschological air through out this whole piece, chilling. To me, it seems that Millie could not coexist along with her now-changing world. And, as a refuge, Ben would leave by himself for his "Boy's Night Out"s.
You never got into the war, which just added to the chilling effect of the narrative. I could picture everything in my mind's eye. Excellent.
I look forward to reading more from you!
-
-
"Chilling" is perceptive.
Handprint,
Thanks for the read and the sensitive comment. "Chilling" is truly what it was...but people don't seem to see things that way...they simply don't see that deeply. You did. And "Psychological" a tale it is...as well as one of change...and people...and despair and disappointment...secrecy and privacy. The wars...within!
Thanks for commenting.
GA
-
-
It seems all I can give your stories are compliments. This one seemed to me a mini psychological tragedy. Things start out well (as well as it can be in a war, and the fact that one gets a dime every time they see a certain person). Then things change ever so subtly, people change, and it ends in sadness. Shakespeare would be proud. It shows how people grow old and weary. It shows the fragility of the state of things. It shows how wonderfully quaint (not in a condescending way) life can be.
These are just a few notes I took as I read:
"It was a comfortable place." A wonderful, simply eloquent description.
Using the candies as a description of the apartment "They were the only thing that was offered" was a good choice of description. It gave me a good picture. -
-
You are a person true to your word!
So...you read another! What greater complement! On the story, you correctly focus on "change" (which Ruth gives to the child in the symbolic form of DIMES)just one of my little "bits" I enjoy sticking into a story. How about the apostrophe on the last page in "BOYS'" night out...as opposed to "BOY'S" night out! (This is for the super careful, scrutinizing reader!) Delighted that you enjoyed the sterility of Millie's abode as revealed through the candy dish and its contents (which never "changed!") Oh...yeah...thanks for putting me in Shakespeare's company...in the same paragraph no less! (Not sure I quite deserve that one!)
GA
-
-
Why did Millie "bang?"
Did you read carefully? The narrator speculates that it "may have been" his incessant scales and piano practicing. What do you think? She also rapped on the wall in response to the slightest "NOISES!" Millie was also beginning to lose it. "Changes" were taking place...and Mille, for one, was heading into a mid-life crisis! You should have figured that one out. I mean, what more could I have said to make it plain?
GA -
You have nice description. I like all the little bits you work into it, like the invisible threads. Maybe I didn't get why and it if you didn't mention it is probably not important to the story, but it would still be interesting to know why she banged more? In my head it is cause she found out what his boys nights out really were.
-
Changes...
Once again, a magnificent story! I enjoyed reading every word immensely. Your descriptions and detail were so vivid, i couldnt help but feel i was in the main character's shoes.
The first paragraph's repetitive use of the word 'change' really emphasises the point that this story does in fact revolve around change, giving the reader an insight on what they are in for.
Throughout this piece, you manage to give the reader an emotional impact by using mere character descriptions, which is a very difficult thing to do, and something that i have only read in your writing.
You describe little actions like the lady giving the main character a dime with such vividness that it automatically becomes a major part of the story, without losing a readers interest.
Your symbolism in this piece is superb. Things such as the white china containing the candy is so simple, yet so symbolic. Many writers tend to overlook the importance of including little details like these into their stories, and do not realise how much of an impact they can actually have on the reader, or how real it can make a story seem.
As for the symbolism, the candy you describe actually gives us an insight to Millie's character. This is also a difficult thing to do.
In the very beginning, time is at a halt, and although war is not happening in that particular place, everyone still seems to be so involved.
Millie is a sort of symbol to me throughout this whole piece. But then again so is her husband. Both for different reasons.
Millie, during the war, was friendly and social, however when the war ended was when she began to change. This to me was a symbol of how much of an impact this war actually had on the people living around the main character, and how much change it had cause in people, and in their lives.
Ben however, was the symbol of 'some things never change'. He and his 'boys night out' remained throughout the whole story, even as Millie herself changed so much, and even after the war ended.
I may be completely wrong, but like a painting, writing is also there for a reader to interpret, and not for an author to have to explain.
Another breathtaking piece! I can't wait to read more from you!
Yrs.
Azaradelle.
-
-
Thank you
Thanks so much for the kind and generous words...beyond that, I can only say you got it all. And in regard to your sensitive observations...they are all quite perceptive and...correct. For you, Lori, a fruit filled candy from Millie's delicate China candy dish!
GA
-
-
Nice piece!
Very nice writing. Excellent descriptions and character development. I felt like I could see the people; see the places. It flowed nicely, and the good thing is that it left me wanting to know a little more. Always a good thing. Thanks for a nice read.
. Rewarded 6
-
I think you used an amazing amount of description in this piece, which allowed me to imagine the settings and the characters very well. I thought that the ending, with Ben being on his own for Tuesday night, was an unexpected twist for me! I never thought THAT was how he spent his 'night out with the boys.'
You're an awesome writer, and I feel like a complete amateur. There's no possible way for me to critique this!
Great job; I could learn a lot from you!
-
-
Reel Treble
RT:
Thanks so much for stopping by to read "Ben."...as well as for your generous comments; although I don't quite think I am an "awesome" writer (wish I were)...and YOU are not an amateur in any pejorative sense. We can all learn much from one another. Always. And I appreciate the opportunity. I will share what I can. Keep writing. I look forward to reading your stuff!
Best,
GA
-
-
Very well written, Gary. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Like Fallen Angel, I also liked the 'Invisible threads' comment. But ... I disagree with Chryssi about the 'uncle and aunt' sentence - I liked it. Lets be honest, if every sentence was cut to its minimum to get the point across, just think of all the great writing that we would lose. Stephen King books would be cut down to about ten pages or so to start with !
Thanks for sharing.
GoNE
-
You use a lot of repetitive words within the paragraphs. For example:
in the first paragraph you mention the word change 3 times. Using other descriptives or rearranging sentences would easily fix this.
A pet peeve of mine ... first, "and" or "but" should never start a sentence unless it's in dialogue. Rewording, if the sentence doesn't work without it or joining it to the sentence before, fixes that.
Some of the paragraph structure could use some work, for example:
"Change was taking place elsewhere" should be a new paragraph
You've sentence fragments that are easily fixed. Also there are punctuation problems (missing comma's etc.)
I actually have some columns on here you may find helpful.
Some of your sentences are somewhat wordy
for example:
"The people next door to us were in close enough proximity to sport the titles of uncle and aunt"
a little rewording makes it less so.
"The people next door to us were close enough to sport the titles of uncle and aunt"
Your detailing is working well in this. I would have liked to see more character interaction, to personalize them more but otherwise it was well done and a good read. -
-
Thanks. Here's my "defense" (lol)I used "change repetiously on purpose. The story is about "change;" Change...as opposed to the unchanging, the inert, the stagnant. It was a key concept.
I am also aware (and have been, since grade school)of the old rule about "and, but," etc. BUT...It's really considered ok, in many circles...and quite forgiven. I find more and more of the old rules (for example dangling participles, ending sentences with prepositions, etc. defied in more and more pieces of good literature today. I think we need to be a bit more flexible...and tolerant. Less adamant about it. All I'm saying is: reconsider your "pet" peeve.
Your comment, once again, about my paragraphs are more than likely correct. I admit to this weakness...brought about, I believe, in my attempts to keep the story and its threads together...and probably, to HOLD my reader. But I am most likely wrong here...and plead guilty.
The lengthy sentence "The people next door were in close enough proximity to sport the titles of "uncle" and "aunt" I thought was necessary and not overly long or complex...except for the "to us" which could go. Thanks there.
More character "interaction" I purposely did not want...and I also thought they were described (or "personalized" adequately enough. I recalled them well...and don't think I left too much out.
Thanks for the note. (I hope you liked the story more than you indicated! (lol)
Gary
-
Adding your comment:
