There I stood, impenetrable darkness surrounding my silhouette. Silent tears sped down my cheeks. I had been defeated, crushed and such failure I could not stand. I sank to my knees, heart pounding, the pain was unbearable. In these few seconds, as I relinquished my defeat, the meaning of existence simply turned away. So saddening, so grieving was it all as I came to know that the very purpose of my living was soon to be gone.
I let my thoughts race uncontrollably, my emotions trod over my memories, washing up everything. I could not breathe, for I forgot how and I no longer had the spirit to struggle. I let my eyes close themselves, embracing the darkness, yet I could neither die. O! The pain, the sting of reality, I could not die, I could not live, so what could I do?
I resisted the stupor falling upon me and struggled to catch the last reminiscence before it too slipped away …
*
“Love is an eternal passion … a feat of great magic, of immoveable sorcery … it does not see who we are, but it just holds us together, bonding us with its might,” said I, speaking with eloquence into her ears.
“Poetics words shall not win my heart, Champion,” she said, a gentle smile dawning upon her face.
“Then gather the stars I shall!” I said courageously. “I shall finish every beast that stalks your land and I will travel across the seven seas, bringing you hordes of treasure, yet I tell you this fair maiden, all of this I shall do for you!”
“I ask you not for needless deeds, but rather I ask you to stay with me, to never part from me, my Champion,” she said in her soothing voice.
“Then part, we never shall!” I said taking her hands in mine and kissing them.
The majestic moon looked down upon us, its silver light illuminating her features. Her soft hair cascaded down her shoulders like strands of dark thread. Her fragile face was as pale as the ocean foam and her azure eyes were deep and ever-twinkling.
I brushed my lips across her palm, but she pulled away. I looked at her, taken aback, yet she simply smiled and said “Remember Champion, never part …”
*
The memory faded, leaving me still in darkness, yet no longer was I shedding tears, no longer was I feeble. Hope had found me at last, hope that I could see her, hope that I could touch her, and hope that I could at least hear her once more. The very thought granted me renewed strength.
I reached into my inner essence, bringing forth the psychic power bestowed upon me. A yell tore from my lips, as the blanketing darkness shattered and a thousand flickering flames came into my view. I focused and the entire scene became clearer.
I was lying upon the cold floor. The walls of a magnificent chamber boxed around me. Gold pillars supported a large, glass ceiling which was stained with colors. Huge paintings and statues lined the walls. Small candles hovered in silver stands casting sharp shadows across the floor.
“Ebareth!” I bellowed, my frustration clearly visible from my tone.
“Out already?” said a cold voice. “I thought it would take you longer.”
A dark figure entered into the chamber. It was a man, tall and strong, and clad in black robes. He walked with raw pride and a smirk played across his face. His dark hairs were cut short and his dark eyes were cold and untamed.
I trembled with fury at his sight. I closed my eyes, raising my hand and one of the statues broke asunder. The stones hovered in the air, and then shot towards Ebareth. He raised his hand casually and the stones fell to the floor before him.
He gazed at the ceiling, bringing his hand forward and the stained glass shattered. The glass rained down upon me, like pointed daggers cutting upon my skin. I brought my cloak before me, hiding the exposure.
“This is not the time for child’s play, Champion” he said with a simper.
“So, let us come to the finish,” I said.
I thrust my hand towards the ceilings, closing my eyes once again. Then with the other hand, I made a fist, concentrating hard upon the ceiling. I brought my hands together, and a silver flame erupted behind me. The flames snaked up my legs consuming me in fire. The fire spread and like a beam of light towards shot my enemy, striking him clearly in the chest. Ebareth screamed in agony, his eyes wide with terror as his body fell to the floor.
I raced up the stone steps towards his body. He was sprawled onto the cold marble, his eyes were closed yet he was breathing. I stepped over him and ran into the upper chamber.
In the very centre was a large, circular pond. The water was light, like silver and in the very middle of the pond floated the figure of a woman. Seeing the body, my legs gave away. I crashed onto the floor, absorbed in confusing thoughts. This cannot be happening; I repeated to myself, no, it cannot. She cannot be dead, she isn’t dead.
I mustered up my strength, heaving myself from the floor and dived into the water. A sudden cold wave crashed over me. I swam towards the middle, hoping, simply hoping to find her alive. I reached out to her body, catching hold of her arms and swam with her to the floor.
I brought her out of the water, holding her in my arms. For a fleeting second, I thought she was dead, but suddenly she coughed, sputtering water onto my robes. I kissed her forehead. Every part of my body was alive with elation.
“Champion! O! Champion, I did not want you to come,” she said, her wet hair falling onto her face as she rose to her feet.
“But alas, come I did, for my life is no more without you,” I said. “The night when Ebareth took you, I feared you would die, and no longer did the sands of sleep come to me. I was broken, completely shattered, and so sought to find you, and I came across the Kaanj Citadel, knowing it was Ebareth’s abode, and we fought, yes we did and I almost fell, but I thought of you, and your voice and your touch and I blasted away the darkness and I brought Ebareth to his knees.”
“Ebareth is dead?” she cried out aloud.
“No, merely hindered,” I told her. “He may rise any moment, and so we must go, we will run far away, to a distant land. Shall we be together, we shall be content.”
She looked at me in the eyes, an expression of sadness dawning upon her. “No,” she said.
“Eduwa, please, we must go,” I pleaded. “You cannot live here, he shall always hunt you down and finally, god knows when but he may kill you!”
“Then let him,” she said, her eyes showing anger. “I am a Maiden of the Sun, no coward am I that I shall hide in shadows. It is I who he wants, killing me is the only way he shall ever avenge his sister’s death.”
“You never killed anyone,” I said firmly.
“I know, but he doesn’t,” she said. “I never enjoyed her company, she was a distasteful woman, but I never killed her. But you must understand, Ebareth heralds the Flame of Kaanj. If he doesn’t get kill me, he has threatened to vanquish the flame.”
“I do not care of fire!” I shouted, tears speeding down my face. “I value you, you alone … I want to be with you.”
“The Flame is the one thing that keeps balance between the heavens and the earth. It is the flame that passes beyond the skies, separating us from the gods,” said Eduwa. “If the flame diminishes, so does the shield and then the Great Powers shall descend from the heaven and as prophesied, there shall be war, there shall be slaughter and I will tear my heart out if I lived to see that day. You cannot kill him, no one can, unless magic is brought from the heaven, but it shall destroy you too, which I will not allow.”
“But my love …” I put my head upon her shoulders, still weeping. Eduwa slipped away, stepping into the water, still holding my hand. She was smiling.
“Till we meet again, my Champion!” she whispered and sank into the water, away from my grasp. I closed my eyes, my pained eyes.I stood up, and walked out of the chamber. Ebareth’s body was no longer there. I looked around scanning the hall.
A great force thrust me back into the upper chamber. I crashed into the wall, seizing my chest and coughing in pain. Ebareth emerged from the waters of the pond, his eyes ablaze with hatred. Blood dripped from his mouth and his hands and the silvery water of the pond was red.
“Bravo Champion, bravo,” he sneered. “Sometimes, even the great have a mighty fall do you not agree.”
I raised my hand, making a sweeping motion and one of the pillars of the upper chamber crashed the floor. I raised the debris into the air and used it to blanket Ebareth’s body before tossing him into a wall. He dropped to the ground before rising again, he glared at me and a sharp pain cut across my leg. As I looked down, I could see a pool of blood upon the floor.
Ebareth came towards me, coming to a stand before my face. He kicked me slightly before spitting onto my face and walked away. I lay there, my leg throbbing. I had never been defeated, never before, but now, it was a different story. I thought about Eduwa, how she had died, saving so many. O! My true love, now resting in the skies above.
I simply lay there, thinking about her, everything about her. Her perfection. I can be with her, I suddenly thought, yes, I can be with her. I dragged myself towards the water, looking at my reflection. I was bruised here and there. My long, dark hairs were askew, and my green eyes were cold, cold but touched with an everlasting sorrow.
“Eramair, itne se oolaar! Repune itne se oolantaar.” These words I chanted, slowly and softly. As I lay repeating the words of wisdom, the ceilings crashed upon me. I was overwhelmed, but not with pain, oh no, for it was pure bliss that embraced me.
The entire citadel of Kaanj came down to the ground. A monument of steepened history was destroyed, but I could not have cared less, for as the wreckage buried me, I lay thinking about her and I spoke out “Never part …”
Author notes
I, or the Champion in this case has chosen to save his love rather than the whole wide world, but of course he doesn't get to do so ...
I get critiques that i should give it more action but I must say that the purpose I wrote this is because I wanted to make people realize a philosophy not to showcase excruciating violence.
"Love is eternal, it never dies and if it does - it's never love at all."
- The Writers Block group list • next in list
- The Points Bank group list • next in list
A contest entry
- So You Think You Can Write? by La Maravilla.
1225 points, ended October 5, 2007, 50 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Looking, looking, but can't seem to find by Holey Pastry.
175 points, ended October 2, 2007, 24 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Wise beyond your years? by Bitter Irony.
100 points, ended October 21, 2007, 33 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - An Interest in Fantasy by GuitarShank.
225 points, ended October 10, 2007, 27 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 31 of 31
-
Nicely done. A good tragedy/fantasy/romance. I liked it.
I didn't notice any problems with this, not unless I look really closely, so I commend you for that.
Good write and good luck -
Impressive!
Man, I'm gonna have a hard time judging this contest...
I was amazed at your choice of words and how everything flowed so well together! I could visualize everything you wrote (which is good, lol)! I'd write more but I've got like 50 other entries to comment on, just know that I really really liked this!!!! -
I liked the plot. The story pulled me in, but I would like to read more about the history of the sister and Eduwa. I also would want more explanation of what a "maiden of the sun" is and why she's so important. How did the sister die and why was it construed as Eduwa's fault?
-
Absolutely fantastic at age of 14!!! I wouldn't have guessed that age, and I am published and an editor who also teaches writing.
I wish you were my student!!! I could polish you in a month!
. Rewarded 4
-
-
really! that srsly means alot! i really love your comments, they're so constructive and really seem sensible...apart from most so-called nit-picker critiques! Thanks so much for your comment!
-
-
Oh my goddess...this was...magnificent! I was speachless! There is so much I could say about this story, but at the same time I can't say enough! This story took my breath away!
. Rewarded 4
-
Sweet!
As usual, I loved it! I've read some of your stuff and Everything I've read I've loved!! Yahoo!
Bravo!
I loved the Main character! I could totally relate! lol!
. Rewarded 4
-
-
thanks so much, lolz...i'll miss Sango!!!!
-
-
aaahhh! click on a buttoon by accident and now Im chatting? i was going to put another comment
. Rewarded 4
-
very well written. its so good written. good luck in my contest.
-
This was an interesting piece. You need to watch your comma placement but that's about the only grammatical errors I saw.
This genre isn't my cup of tea but you did a great job with this and I was really able to get into it.. Rewarded 4
-
-
thnx!
-
-
excellent!
14? Are you kidding me? I love your use of the old style of writing. Man, this was fantastic, and I hope that you never put down your pen. That is, never quit writing, as I cant wait to see you in a few short years. I think this was phenomenal, and will check out all your works very soon. Thanks for a fantastic read!
. Rewarded 6
-
-
thnx!!! oh...i never will!!!hehe!!!
really,.....thnx!!!
-
-
The constant "said I" and "said she" disrupted the flow of the story a bit; commonly, stories use this once or twice, not several times in a row. Dialogue typically follows quotations with "I said" or "she said" instead.
Other than that, this story is very well written. There were no other errors I could find. But, I might suggest adding more action or something to it. It kind of drags in places. Overall, though, I enjoyed reading this. Good luck in the contest.. Rewarded 8
-
-
well....i reread the story and i think u're absolutely write.....it does sound a bit awkward!! i'll be sure to edit it pronto!!!
about the action, i think if i added more action it would take away from the meaning hidden within the story.....some of the other critiques also mentioned this but this isn't a kick-butt movie.....this is about love and how it lives on till eternity.........
thnx for the comment!!!!
-
-
I. Loved. This. Period.
It was so beautiful. I can't believe you're only fourteen! That's crazy. You're a remarkable writer, considering and not considering your age, (What I mean with that is just that you're amazing for being so young but that age doesn't matter and even if you were an adult I would find this a beautiful piece.)
I loved your style. You seem to have SUCH a knack for this!!! And I love that you have terrific grammer
This story was so amazing. I really get it the way you want the readers to, I think. It's not suppost to make the reader sad, I think, but suppost to show us what you think of true love. That its eturnal. It'll last through anythign if its true.
At least, that's what I got out of it anyhow
Anyway, I loved this. Remarkable. Spectacular. One of my favorite stories I've read here for a while, I think.
Keep up the amazing work. Really.
xoxo,
You're new friend,
Tay
. Rewarded 8
-
first off its not my usual read but curiosity got the better of me and I read on. A little slow on the action scenes but apart from that very enjoyable even the soppy stuff lol I guess there has to be a little of that well worthy of gold
. Rewarded 4
-
-
thnx alot cyberaritist!!! i really appreciate the feedback!!! will be more than happy to return the favour of course!!!
thnx again!!
-
-
Asfand!? im really really really impressed...i knew you could rite very well...but i think i was still under-estimating you! you're fantastic...i lik ehow you describe telekinesis..!!!! and the magic description is great!! you rule asfand! you simply rule!
. Rewarded 6
-
-
thnx yaar!! it was so weird decribing telekinesis, but i think it came out rite!!! hehe......
thnx!!!
-
-
Wow, ASFAND...Difficult to believe you are only 14! The piece is quite a read...well done...good language...not overridden with cliches. It IS somewhat heavy at times...I would tend to "pull back" just a wee bit...and perhaps shorten the piece a little. (You could probably say what you want to say with less verbiage!) But all in all, a fantastic effort!
Best,
Gary
. Rewarded 6
-
I am not a fan of old english (err, the deep flowery sounding words
) but.. you have me accepting it in your piece I love it.. love how he is refered to as the Champion.. and wah.. you won a well deserved gold *dances* Great work with this! I love the first paragraph the best ^_^ and then... everything just followed, woot! I loved the images your words inserted in my mind
Thanks for sharing this with us, Champion!
. Rewarded 8
-
-
thnk u so much!!! i don't like it either.....it's hard to read and harder to make it seem naturally placed in a story......but i guess i just cudn't help it!!! surprisingly it turned out pretty gud!!! thnx for the comment!!!
-
-
Dialogue flows well in this piece. you've got good description throughout. It could use a bit more telling about the period of the story however.
You manage to keep the readers attention througout the story which is well done. I, personally, didn't see any structural problems. Good work.
Although there are punctuation problems. I have a column on punctuation you might find helpful.. Rewarded 6
-
Wow! Very well written: nice details and excellent characters. Keep up the good work!
-
Very Well written, you had me hooked from the first line! seems like a romeo and Juliet story. Thank you so much for entering my contest,
~Penny~
-
-
Thnk U!!!
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 31 of 31
