Angel

Crisp air cools my cheeks,

Birds whisper quiet secrets to me,

Little squirrels scamper from an unseen enemy.

Water rushes in against rock,

With the bliss of an angel's song,

With the grace of a hundred dancers, it continues to move along.

I spread my wings,

But realise I have none,

Nevertheless, I take the daring plunge.

I drifted into darkness,

But before I closed my eyes,

I thought I felt strong arms around me - and an angel's cry.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think!

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
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Comments

1 - 5 of 5
  • abba12
    September 12, 2007

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    this is strange. its about a suicide, but its hopeful. the angel saves her. i really like the perspective on this, its differant... well done. and if you do a lot of poems you should join this sites sister site, allpoetry.com. good work


  • Embitter
    June 13, 2007

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    interesting, I'm not sure I nailed the imagery on this.. to me it seems like a suicide? But far from being desperate and dark, it seems uplifting. Good work.


  • Bitter Irony
    June 13, 2007

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    Why do you switch from present to past tense at the line "I drifted into darkness"?

    I like the way you used specific details in the imagery at the beginning of the poem, and wish you would have continued that into the metaphor at the end. It didn't seem as clear as it should be.

    "I spread my wings/But realise I have none" I know you meant this to be a sort of emotional twist, but the first time I read it, it seemed almost silly. It wouldn't be so bad if the first line was "I start to spread my wings" or something of the sort, but the way it is, the certainty of the first line contrasted with the bluntness of the second creates a strange effect indeed.

    My other criticism is with the punctuation. Punctuate sentences like sentences, don't worry about what words begin or end a new line. Each line doesn't need to start with a capital letter, and it doesn't need to end with a comma.

    And one last comment: "felt strong arms around me - and an angel's cry." How can you "feel" an angel's cry?

    My overall verdict: you make an excellent first impression with this piece. If you could fully carry over the tone of the first half into the second half, it would certainly be publishable.

    Thanks for entering the contest!

    beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 2, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 3.


  • Taboo Pixie
    June 12, 2007
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    lol..did you post this twice?..it seems very familiar nevertheless it was beautiful


  • asthray.heart
    June 11, 2007

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    This was beautiful
    I thought I felt strong arms around me - and an angel's cry.
    ♥ that line very much

    Thanks for entering and goodluck

    Lady Madeline.

1 - 5 of 5