Ileayc Yaralu lied among the flowers, admiring their beauty. Dark brown hair draped itself across her shoulders. Brown eyes glinted with sadness and despair. This sense of tranquility would not last for long. They would find her and kill her, as they did to her father.
It wasn’t her fault she had been born unto one of the great goddesses, Kralonia of time. If she had a choice she would’ve chosen a normal life with normal parents. Didn’t her mom feel guilty about abandoning her own daughter to go live a happy life with the gods? Ileayc was partially happy when her mom was overthrown, but she knew what that meant for her. Living in Laras, being a daughter of one of the opposing gods would be a living hell.
Ileayc was scorned, beaten and had barely escaped death. Her father Iysnar had protected her and raised her before all that but, one night, a group of Larese had managed to find their cottage.
They were going to kill her but Iysnar saw them coming and snuck Ileayc out of the cottage. She escaped, but Iysnar was killed in the process. She had mourned over the loss over the only person who had truly loved her for a long time. When the opportunity came to show those idiots who murdered Iysnar who she truly was, she would quickly seize it.
What she felt had not been all anger and sadness. She was also guilty. If she hadn’t been such a wimp, she would’ve stood up to them. She would’ve killed them all and left naught a trace of them.
Now she lived on her own. She roamed from place to place, seeking a place for refuge but finding none. The borders of Laras were heavily guarded and would allow no entry or escape. That had been a problem for her.
Her goal now was to find a place out of Laras, away from all the chaos. She could not count on anyone but herself. Her mother had completely ignored her entire life and that would probably never change. Everybody was against her. For now, escape was but a mere dream. Escape was not the only thing she searched for though, she also sought out strength.
*******
Chop. Chop. Chop.
Savion Adair hacked at the tree with his axe. Sweat drenched his face and curly blonde hair despite the cold. He wore layers of fur clothes and was intent on bringing firewood back to the house. He would not freeze this winter.
His blue eyes glanced over and spotted two bears seemingly preparing for hibernation. They both saw a weak animal writhing in pain from a previous attack on it. One bear abandoned the other and took the animal for itself, leaving the other bear in the dust.
Savion looked away, memories that were not too fond began flooding back into his mind. The bear eating breakfast had reminded him slightly of himself and the other...Hallow.
He hadn’t intended for Hallow to get into the trouble that he deserved. It wasn’t his fault. He had just wanted to lose his immortality and live life as a human. The gods scared him. They made him nervous, so when he was offered the opportunity to live life as a human, he had agreed without thinking. He had warned Hallow, but he had paid no attention to it.
The gods used him to their advantage, as spy. He had aided the gods in the destruction of several villages. It was impossible to break a deal with a god as Savion soon found out, but he didn’t want to. He had his reasons.
Being immortal had many negative things. For example, you can never befriend humans. They die off much too quickly. That was a lesson learned the hard way by Savion.
Out on patrol, he had seen an enchanting young maiden sitting beside a lake. The sunlight reflected upon her in such a way she looked heavenly. Her name was Qualone. Eventually, they got to know each other very well from Savion visits.
Soon they became more intimate. Savion would stay longer and began to bring Qualone gifts while Qualone would wait for him by the pond and would give him little wooden carvings she made, as her family’s trade was wood carving.
They belonged together and on the day of the winter solstice, Savion confessed his love. Qualone also did too. Savion was planning on proposing but he realized the problem, he would have to become a human. He would rather die with Qualone then live on forever.
That was when he decided he would become human. He was offered the perfect chance when he was given the opportunity to lead raids for the new gods because he was the most trained in military functions than most angels.
During the raids Savion had done for the new gods, he had been forced to burn Qualone’s village. He had told Qualone to hide away the previous night, so she wouldn’t get hurt, so Savion didn’t hesitate to burn down the village. The thing was, the new gods killed Qualone, as a warning to Savion that you can’t defy a god’s order.
Savion hoped to find Qualone and fall in love once again, and experience the feeling once again. He would rescue her from the realms of death. He wasn’t sure Qualone would forgive him, but he would try.
As for Hallow, It was the idiotic Hallow who got himself locked up. He could’ve lived a life with Savion as a human.
But he turned it down the offer.
That had been heart-wrenching to Savion. Hallow acted as if he didn’t know Savion at all. Savion remembered that day clearly. Hallow had gone hysterical and began to attack Savion, but was then pulled away by other angels before it could sum up to anything. He acted like Savion was an inferior being, which just angered Savion even more. He wouldn’t let that ungrateful snob get the best of him.
That was when Savion realized he was better as loner.
He would avenge Qualone in his own way, without Hallow and his annoying talks of “rebellion”.. He would rescue Qualone from the realms of deaths and he would show the world what he was worth, especially Hallow.
Halo and him had grown up together in the land of the gods. They did everything together. Savion chuckled dryly as he remembered the day they met. Hallow had been very young, as was Savion but Savion was a couple years older. Hallow went out hunting by himself and unfortunately was found by a wolf. Savion, thankfully, was walking home through the forest when he spotted Hallow about to be jumped by a wolf. In the nick of time Savion had lit a fire on a stick and scared the wolf the away.
“Th-thank you....”
“Your welcome. Shouldn’t you know better than to go out into the forest by yourself, at night?”
“Well yes but I---“
“No buts. I suggest you head home before Hathriel has a fit.”
“Okay...”
“Don’t be so sad. You’ll have a lot of more opportunities to hunt. Might I say, safer ones too.”
Thank you. Might I ask your name?”
“Savion Adair at your service, sir”
“I’m Hallow. Okay. Bye!”
Savion winked at Hallow and continued on.
Things were different now, much different.
***
Maraluyr Jaliydo sat alone in the tent, sweating from the fierceness of the sun’s heat. He rubbed his brow slowly, to ease the pain of his headache. Life was so stressing these days.
He laid back slowly on his bed, careful to avoid the occasional cuts and bruises from working in the forest. Sometimes living alone could be a bad thing.
He would have to do all the necessary things for survival by himself without assistance. It wasn’t always like this though. He used to be part of the tribe, until the day his brother went crazy.
It started out as a typical day in the life of a tribesman. Maraluyr, Mar for short, went out to retrieve firewood for a sacrifice ritual to the gods that night. Mar retrieved it and came back, only to be horrified at what had happened.
Piles of the dead were scattered everywhere, soaked in blood and the aura of magic. Mar couldn’t move. He wasn’t able to even imagine how or who could’ve done this.
He had searched for his parents and couldn’t find them. Eventually he went back to his unharmed tent to mourn, only to find his family being killed off one by one with a slice of his brother’s sword.
Anger rising up within him, Mar had charged towards his brother, Jehlunka. A punch here, a kick there, nothing hurt his brother. It was as if he was....immortal.
“What happened to you?” Mar had asked
“I want to live a life, a life full of fame, glory and power. I have the best magic and strength in all of this stupid tribe and no one has ever acknowledged me. Now they have, the new gods of Laras have taken an interest in me. I am a demon immortal now and there’s nothing I can do to change back, I will serve only the best and eventually become one of them.”
“B-but why? Why would you kill the entire tribe?”
“Don’t you understand? If anyone ever found out I was from this dump I would be treated the same way I was before. Ignored and neglected.”
“That’s not true. I know you know there are other ways to do what you want to achieve. Killing is wrong.”
“Think what you want to think little brother. You’ll never understand. Besides, killing is my job and I enjoy it. Did you hear me? I’m a demon immortal now.”
Mar had tried whacking Jehlunka with a piece of firewood still in his bag. Jehlunka ended up twisting the stick out of Mar’s grasp and stabbing him with sharp ends, making blood ooze out.
Mar began to feel faint and was knocked unconscious, knowing he would have to kill his own brother before his brother could reek anymore havoc.
***
Haruna Jaliydo sat underneath the tree sipping green tea. The flowers were starting to bloom, a time that she loved. The weather was nice today. She sighed. If she had a choice, she would never leave this place, her safe haven in the forest.
The thing was, she had magic and she specialized in nature magic, which explains that she loves nature. Haruna was also a vegetarian and the god she worshipped the most was Hathriel of nature and animals. Her dream was to become a hero to the mistreated and ignored animals caught in the trouble brewing in Lumeria. The humans, or pigs as she called them, over in Lumeria took everything for granted. Now, they are suffering a dark, and thorough punishment and the animals had to pay.
Her family discouraged this and wanted her to become a normal person, marry and let her husband bring home the money. She would never do that, and she wouldn’t let them make her feel guilty. She didn’t need anyone but herself. Haruna decided that she would do what she wanted to when she wanted too. She didn’t care what anyone thought of her and wouldn’t let them change her.
She brushed her hair back behind her ear. Nothing exciting ever happened in her hometown, the capital of Lumeria. She definitely wished it would, even if it would never happen.
“Time to come in!” A maid called from the mansion.
She ignored the call. She didn’t feel like coming in just yet. She’d go in when she felt like it. Maids had no power over her.
She sighed. People often talked about Haruna behind her back. She acted as if she never heard them, but she listened attentively to every stupid word. She was often to referred to as “the rebel”, “the royal pain”, “the stubborn child with the attitude”, and many other nicknames resembling those. Haruna was a noble’s daughter; that meant, by Haruna’s definition, that her life was planned for every minute for the rest of her life. She often got lectured by her teachers about how “she should be thankful for everything she has. People out there starve everyday while they wish to have what she has”.
It got old, very quickly. She didn’t need that stuff. One day she would show them. Sure she accepted all the fancy stuff, dresses, feasts, parties they offered to her. Why the heck wouldn’t she?
She knew she was being fair, she was just misunderstood.
It wasn’t her fault she had been born unto one of the great goddesses, Kralonia of time. If she had a choice she would’ve chosen a normal life with normal parents. Didn’t her mom feel guilty about abandoning her own daughter to go live a happy life with the gods? Ileayc was partially happy when her mom was overthrown, but she knew what that meant for her. Living in Laras, being a daughter of one of the opposing gods would be a living hell.
Ileayc was scorned, beaten and had barely escaped death. Her father Iysnar had protected her and raised her before all that but, one night, a group of Larese had managed to find their cottage.
They were going to kill her but Iysnar saw them coming and snuck Ileayc out of the cottage. She escaped, but Iysnar was killed in the process. She had mourned over the loss over the only person who had truly loved her for a long time. When the opportunity came to show those idiots who murdered Iysnar who she truly was, she would quickly seize it.
What she felt had not been all anger and sadness. She was also guilty. If she hadn’t been such a wimp, she would’ve stood up to them. She would’ve killed them all and left naught a trace of them.
Now she lived on her own. She roamed from place to place, seeking a place for refuge but finding none. The borders of Laras were heavily guarded and would allow no entry or escape. That had been a problem for her.
Her goal now was to find a place out of Laras, away from all the chaos. She could not count on anyone but herself. Her mother had completely ignored her entire life and that would probably never change. Everybody was against her. For now, escape was but a mere dream. Escape was not the only thing she searched for though, she also sought out strength.
*******
Chop. Chop. Chop.
Savion Adair hacked at the tree with his axe. Sweat drenched his face and curly blonde hair despite the cold. He wore layers of fur clothes and was intent on bringing firewood back to the house. He would not freeze this winter.
His blue eyes glanced over and spotted two bears seemingly preparing for hibernation. They both saw a weak animal writhing in pain from a previous attack on it. One bear abandoned the other and took the animal for itself, leaving the other bear in the dust.
Savion looked away, memories that were not too fond began flooding back into his mind. The bear eating breakfast had reminded him slightly of himself and the other...Hallow.
He hadn’t intended for Hallow to get into the trouble that he deserved. It wasn’t his fault. He had just wanted to lose his immortality and live life as a human. The gods scared him. They made him nervous, so when he was offered the opportunity to live life as a human, he had agreed without thinking. He had warned Hallow, but he had paid no attention to it.
The gods used him to their advantage, as spy. He had aided the gods in the destruction of several villages. It was impossible to break a deal with a god as Savion soon found out, but he didn’t want to. He had his reasons.
Being immortal had many negative things. For example, you can never befriend humans. They die off much too quickly. That was a lesson learned the hard way by Savion.
Out on patrol, he had seen an enchanting young maiden sitting beside a lake. The sunlight reflected upon her in such a way she looked heavenly. Her name was Qualone. Eventually, they got to know each other very well from Savion visits.
Soon they became more intimate. Savion would stay longer and began to bring Qualone gifts while Qualone would wait for him by the pond and would give him little wooden carvings she made, as her family’s trade was wood carving.
They belonged together and on the day of the winter solstice, Savion confessed his love. Qualone also did too. Savion was planning on proposing but he realized the problem, he would have to become a human. He would rather die with Qualone then live on forever.
That was when he decided he would become human. He was offered the perfect chance when he was given the opportunity to lead raids for the new gods because he was the most trained in military functions than most angels.
During the raids Savion had done for the new gods, he had been forced to burn Qualone’s village. He had told Qualone to hide away the previous night, so she wouldn’t get hurt, so Savion didn’t hesitate to burn down the village. The thing was, the new gods killed Qualone, as a warning to Savion that you can’t defy a god’s order.
Savion hoped to find Qualone and fall in love once again, and experience the feeling once again. He would rescue her from the realms of death. He wasn’t sure Qualone would forgive him, but he would try.
As for Hallow, It was the idiotic Hallow who got himself locked up. He could’ve lived a life with Savion as a human.
But he turned it down the offer.
That had been heart-wrenching to Savion. Hallow acted as if he didn’t know Savion at all. Savion remembered that day clearly. Hallow had gone hysterical and began to attack Savion, but was then pulled away by other angels before it could sum up to anything. He acted like Savion was an inferior being, which just angered Savion even more. He wouldn’t let that ungrateful snob get the best of him.
That was when Savion realized he was better as loner.
He would avenge Qualone in his own way, without Hallow and his annoying talks of “rebellion”.. He would rescue Qualone from the realms of deaths and he would show the world what he was worth, especially Hallow.
Halo and him had grown up together in the land of the gods. They did everything together. Savion chuckled dryly as he remembered the day they met. Hallow had been very young, as was Savion but Savion was a couple years older. Hallow went out hunting by himself and unfortunately was found by a wolf. Savion, thankfully, was walking home through the forest when he spotted Hallow about to be jumped by a wolf. In the nick of time Savion had lit a fire on a stick and scared the wolf the away.
“Th-thank you....”
“Your welcome. Shouldn’t you know better than to go out into the forest by yourself, at night?”
“Well yes but I---“
“No buts. I suggest you head home before Hathriel has a fit.”
“Okay...”
“Don’t be so sad. You’ll have a lot of more opportunities to hunt. Might I say, safer ones too.”
Thank you. Might I ask your name?”
“Savion Adair at your service, sir”
“I’m Hallow. Okay. Bye!”
Savion winked at Hallow and continued on.
Things were different now, much different.
***
Maraluyr Jaliydo sat alone in the tent, sweating from the fierceness of the sun’s heat. He rubbed his brow slowly, to ease the pain of his headache. Life was so stressing these days.
He laid back slowly on his bed, careful to avoid the occasional cuts and bruises from working in the forest. Sometimes living alone could be a bad thing.
He would have to do all the necessary things for survival by himself without assistance. It wasn’t always like this though. He used to be part of the tribe, until the day his brother went crazy.
It started out as a typical day in the life of a tribesman. Maraluyr, Mar for short, went out to retrieve firewood for a sacrifice ritual to the gods that night. Mar retrieved it and came back, only to be horrified at what had happened.
Piles of the dead were scattered everywhere, soaked in blood and the aura of magic. Mar couldn’t move. He wasn’t able to even imagine how or who could’ve done this.
He had searched for his parents and couldn’t find them. Eventually he went back to his unharmed tent to mourn, only to find his family being killed off one by one with a slice of his brother’s sword.
Anger rising up within him, Mar had charged towards his brother, Jehlunka. A punch here, a kick there, nothing hurt his brother. It was as if he was....immortal.
“What happened to you?” Mar had asked
“I want to live a life, a life full of fame, glory and power. I have the best magic and strength in all of this stupid tribe and no one has ever acknowledged me. Now they have, the new gods of Laras have taken an interest in me. I am a demon immortal now and there’s nothing I can do to change back, I will serve only the best and eventually become one of them.”
“B-but why? Why would you kill the entire tribe?”
“Don’t you understand? If anyone ever found out I was from this dump I would be treated the same way I was before. Ignored and neglected.”
“That’s not true. I know you know there are other ways to do what you want to achieve. Killing is wrong.”
“Think what you want to think little brother. You’ll never understand. Besides, killing is my job and I enjoy it. Did you hear me? I’m a demon immortal now.”
Mar had tried whacking Jehlunka with a piece of firewood still in his bag. Jehlunka ended up twisting the stick out of Mar’s grasp and stabbing him with sharp ends, making blood ooze out.
Mar began to feel faint and was knocked unconscious, knowing he would have to kill his own brother before his brother could reek anymore havoc.
***
Haruna Jaliydo sat underneath the tree sipping green tea. The flowers were starting to bloom, a time that she loved. The weather was nice today. She sighed. If she had a choice, she would never leave this place, her safe haven in the forest.
The thing was, she had magic and she specialized in nature magic, which explains that she loves nature. Haruna was also a vegetarian and the god she worshipped the most was Hathriel of nature and animals. Her dream was to become a hero to the mistreated and ignored animals caught in the trouble brewing in Lumeria. The humans, or pigs as she called them, over in Lumeria took everything for granted. Now, they are suffering a dark, and thorough punishment and the animals had to pay.
Her family discouraged this and wanted her to become a normal person, marry and let her husband bring home the money. She would never do that, and she wouldn’t let them make her feel guilty. She didn’t need anyone but herself. Haruna decided that she would do what she wanted to when she wanted too. She didn’t care what anyone thought of her and wouldn’t let them change her.
She brushed her hair back behind her ear. Nothing exciting ever happened in her hometown, the capital of Lumeria. She definitely wished it would, even if it would never happen.
“Time to come in!” A maid called from the mansion.
She ignored the call. She didn’t feel like coming in just yet. She’d go in when she felt like it. Maids had no power over her.
She sighed. People often talked about Haruna behind her back. She acted as if she never heard them, but she listened attentively to every stupid word. She was often to referred to as “the rebel”, “the royal pain”, “the stubborn child with the attitude”, and many other nicknames resembling those. Haruna was a noble’s daughter; that meant, by Haruna’s definition, that her life was planned for every minute for the rest of her life. She often got lectured by her teachers about how “she should be thankful for everything she has. People out there starve everyday while they wish to have what she has”.
It got old, very quickly. She didn’t need that stuff. One day she would show them. Sure she accepted all the fancy stuff, dresses, feasts, parties they offered to her. Why the heck wouldn’t she?
She knew she was being fair, she was just misunderstood.
Author notes
Woohoo! I finally came up with an idea for the first chapter! I hope you enjoyed it! It's basically a little window to each of the current lives of the soon-to-be main characters. It tells about each of their histories.
Please comment!
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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In the section of Haruna, you begin to describe her disposition toward the world, and how she loved nature and animals. I find it odd, then, that she would use an animal name to describe humans which she despises. Perhaps you should find another word?
Anyhow, on to the opinion part:
You wrote this well. Even though you provided just a brief glimpse into each character's life, you gave us important history and political details, which are always welcome in a first chapter! Great write, and I'm intrigued as to where you will take this.
-Lyneun -
Loved it!
I loved how you introduce every character in their current environment. Yeah, there were like five grammatical errors, but no biggy. Also, I think this should be labeled as more of a prologue than a chapter one.

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WOW I'd give it three thumbs up but i don't have that many.
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It's nice, good descriptions too.
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Good, I could follow it. Interesting beginning, too.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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watch tenses
for example
"She roamed from place to place, seeking a place for refuge but finding none" should be found not finding
"That was when he decided he would become human" is a repetitive sentence you said the same thing the paragraph before. Removing it won't take away from the paragraph
"But he turned it down the offer" but shouldn't start a sentence unless it's a thought or dialogue. it's also an awkward sentence. Rewording would help that..
"Halo and him had grown up together in the land of the gods"
you call him hallow throughout the story so i'm assuming this is a typo
Watch structure of your paragraphs and putting more than one thought per paragraph. breaking this up into sections and adding more details of the era they're in and the surroundings would help build the character development.
The dialogue flows well throughout the story. Although I'm not sure how each set of different characters fit together. I'd focus on one character and build the story around them.
This is a great start. I really liked the savion part of it. I'm looking forward to reading more. -
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Thanks! I can always count on you to give long, helpful and thorough critique. It helps me out a lot!
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if it helps that's what's important right?
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