Guardian Angel

Roses hit the ground. The almost inaudible sound the impact on the dirt made sounded like thunder. How could this be?

"I'm sorry, Des. There was nothing we could do."

Nothing they could do... The phrase haunted her as it played over and over, the words flowing through her mind and the images before her eyes. It was a record with a scratch in it, and scene stuck on loop, and each time it repeated itself, another piece of her heart broke off.

Someone touched her shoulder.

"Des? Are you going to be okay?"

Des turned blank, uncomprehending eyes on the person whose reassuring, well meant hand rested on her shoulder. The weight of it felt like a the final strike of a condemning judge's gavel.

Inside Des screamed her denial. Would she be okay? What kind of a question was that?

Des nodded. Yeah, she'd be okay when her mother came back to life. Numb, she walked down the hallway to her mother's room.


~ The lights go out all around me. One last candle to keep out the night. And then the darkness surrounds me. I know I'm alive, but I feel like I've died.~


"It's just a cold," her mother had said. "I'll go in, they'll do a few tests, and then I'll be back and it'll all be over. It'll be like nothing happened."

It's just a cold... Just a cold. Des stared blankly at the white-washed walls of the hospital room her mother had taken her last breath in.

There's nothing we could do... Just a cold... just a cold.

"Desirae, sweetheart, these nice people need to talk to you to see what we're going to do with you."

Des looked up to see a nurse standing in front of a woman in a business suit with a file clutched to her chest. Protective Services. She was going to go to some strangers. Not an hour after her mother had left, and they were going to send her to some people she didn't know and would care about her.

Slowly, as if in a thick fog she couldn't see out of, Des stood and walked to the door and went, willingly enough, with the Social Worker.


~And all that's left is to accept that it's over. My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made. I try to keep warm, but I just grow colder. I feel like I'm slipping away.~


"Desirae, we need to know if you have any living relatives willing to take you in."

Des shrugged. What did she care? Her mother was gone. She'd died of a cold. Not cancer, not a car crash, or anything sudden. She wasn't murdered, and she didn't die in the line of duty.

Just a cold... there's nothing we can do.

"I'll take her."

Des looked up. A man she'd never seen before stood behind the social worker. Without another word to Des, the social worker turned and began to talk to him. Trying to establish his connection to her, Des guessed.

She felt a glimmer of light. Someone wanted her. Maybe this wasn't the end after all.


~I hold you in like a deep breath. Feel you like the last beautiful touch before a final rest. I know I'll see you forever.~


"Desirae, this is Kiran. He's now you're guardian. Is this okay with you?"

Des shrugged. You'd think they'd know by now that she didn't care. Nothing mattered anymore. Why did they bother her with meaningless questions? They didn't really want to know what she thought. All they wanted was to get her case wrapped up so they could move on to more important things. Pity the girl whose mother died of a cold.

There was nothing she could do about anything anymore.

Nothing we could do... just a cold... like nothing happened.


~My whole world is the pain inside me. The best I can do is just get through the day. When life before is only a memory, I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place.~


Kiran looked at his small charge. This was a hard loss for her, but she hadn't yet known pain. Before her life was finished, though, she would. He could see it like an ominous cloud that hung overhead. Her life would be full of let downs and horrible pitfalls consisting of the loss of everyone and everything she loved. She would ruin everything she touched, and everything she aspired to do would turn out evil though she began it with a desire for good. Her intensions would be pure, and fate would be cruel.

It had taken everything within him to fight against the desire to help her. In the end, he'd lost.

The papers the social worker had were forged. He could do that. His real relationship to the girl was something no human could understand until the day when life meets death and they begin the journey in the world of the deceased. He loved her and hated her at the same time. On most days, his love for her won out against the hate. The only day his hate had won, this had happened, and he'd caused her more pain.


~It's so beautiful to me, it is everything I see. It's so beautiful to me, but it's nothing that I need.~


Just a cold... There's nothing we could do... Like nothing happened...

A smile crept over Des's face. Tears ran freely down her face as she looked at her new guardian. Kiran... He would leave, too. She knew it.

First had been her baby brother. When she was five, and he was only two years old, he'd tried to play with her jump-rope. Joren, her brother, had ended up tripping over the jump-rope and falling off the deck and into the swimming pool. He'd drown.

Just a cold... Just a cold... nothing we could do.

Joren had been Des's baby. She'd loved him like nothing else in the world. When he'd died, her father had blamed her. It didn't matter. Des had blamed herself.


~It's so beautiful to me, it is everything I see. It's so beautiful to me, but it's nothing that I need.~


Des's father had died two years after that. His last word to her were filled with condemnation and hate.

"You killed me the day you killed your brother. Hateful child, you were never mine."

She'd been forbidden to go to his funeral.

"He doesn't want you to be there," her mother had tried to explain it gently. "It was his last request. I'm sorry sweetheart. He doesn't understand."

Just a cold...There's nothing we could do... like nothing happened...


~Lost my mind and I've lost track, gonna scream your name till you come back.~


So Des went with Kiran. He took her to a house that was empty inside. He taught her how to cope with the sorrow that threatened to devour her. He promised her there would be a time when she didn't feel as though she'd died. Des didn't believe it, and throughout it all, her smile remained.


~Here I am at the end of me. Trying to hold to what I can't see. I forgot how to hope, this night's been so long. I cling to your promise there will be a dawn.~


Des grew, and kept her friends. Kiran stayed, and she began to believe she'd been wrong about everything. She trusted Kiran, and she knew that through it all, he would only ever do what was the very best for her.


"I'm home!" Des called for Kiran's benefit. He got jumpy if you entered the house and "snuck up" on him.

"Des." Kiran's voice was strange and distorted. It was as if he were sick.

"Kiran?" Cold dread filled Des as simultaneously resignation took up a perch. She knew he'd leave one day. She'd known it all along.

The next thing Des knew, there was an intense pain in her chest, one like she'd never felt before, and Kiran was standing in front of her.

There were tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry," he said. "I had to save you." The man she'd trusted, the man she'd loved.

I guess it's true what they say, Des thought. Love hurts. They never thought to say love kills.

Des choked on blood and pain. "Save me?" Her confusion and hurt came through her voice. "You've killed me."

"I had to." Kiran twisted the knife and pulled it free. He watched as Des fell to the floor. This time, he would save her the pain of losing someone. This time, instead of someone leaving her for the realm of the dead, she would be the one leaving. He'd done his job. He'd saved her from mortal pain and instead given her eternal peace.


~Behind the eyes of my compassion lies a suffering soul. And in my blood a bitter darkness slowly taking it's toll. I feel the death of our connection and the fading of light. Between the shards of sudden panic from choking on my life~


"Why?" Des said with her last breath.

"Because." Kiran looked at her still form. Her eyes had glazed over in death. "I'm your guardian angel."


~I can't breathe alone. You can guide me home.~


~Another day in your delusion, the never-ending death.~