Just Thoughts

i don't know what i'm supposed to say. I can hardly think right now. I don’t WANT to think right now…I;m tired….i don’t know what that meand, exactly….is the depression returning? I guess that’s one of my biggest fears, is the return of the darkness…because thwn it means that even the meds don’t work. it means that there is no hope, no future…nothing but darkness….i probably just need to sleep and quit worrying…but I’ve been thinking of Courtney a lot….she’s always just on the edge of my thoughts, ready to fill any empty gap that happens to show itself. I miss her, but I don’t…I love her, but I don’t….i guess, where she’s concerned, I just don’t know a thing…except…what I told her…that was true…I didn’t lie when I said I would love her forever….but I can’t say without doubt that I aam still in love with her…I do love her…but…oh, I don’t know…I’m confused…I’m always confused….

I just need slepp, I guess….yeah, wouldn’t that make everything so simple? ‘I’m dying of cancer’ solution: sleep….i wish….yeah, that’s what I wish….i wish that everything could be solved so simply. I wish I could see Courtney, just one more time, so I could know, once and for all, whether I was still in love with her. I wish I knew whether she still loved me…I wish I could sleep in someone’s arms tonight. I wish someone would be there to hold me everytime I cried, every time I hurt, every time I was confused, or angry. and, secretly, I wish I knew how you felt about me. I wish you loved me. but I can’t wish that without feeling guilty…

I don’t know. I guess I just wish that things made sense, you know?