LUCKY1
I suppose the word best used to describe her then would be “lanky.” It was a word I recall hearing more often then than now. Now, you might say “tall and thin." In the forties it was “lanky.” Another word I recall hearing in reference to Mrs. Luckenbach was “divorcee.” Now, that one is still in use, but it doesn’t carry the same impact. It isn’t as pejorative as it was in the 1940s. Then, it bore a stigma and was always whispered, although not too often, because Mrs. L was pretty much the only divorcee in the building…perhaps the only one on the block. Moreover, she wasn’t seen all that frequently. But the really whispery thing about Mrs. L was the fact that she was, on more occasions than could be considered discreet, seen in the company of different men.2
The first time I can remember seeing Mrs. L she was arm in arm with a mustached man in a military trench coat and barracks cap. He was referred to as “the Marine,” and in fact was one…the first one I was ever aware of, if not the first I had ever seen. I recall him staggering his way home on Cabrini Boulevard on many afternoons and evenings and can recall overhearing disparaging comments by neighbors with regard to his sobriety. He was supposed to be Arthur’s and Bobby’s father, or so we thought, but after he vanished and the years seemed to make more clear the marital status of Mrs. L, that idea was dismissed. Mrs. L was the mother of the boys. That was that. There was no father.3
There was a grandmother, Mrs. L’s mother. Pretty much it was she who took care of the boys. The old lady never left the apartment but was frequently seen in her housedress and scuffs, shuffling her way between the apartment and the hallway incinerator. And often she could be heard yelling the boys’ names into the street, her face and shoulders visible, leaning out of the third floor window. Mrs. L apparently worked during the days and typically was seen arriving home in the evenings; unlike her mother, smartly dressed in a suit and heels, her hair always done up. 4
My first recollection of Bobby and Arthur was of the two of them, running across the street, wearing sailor hats. It was soon after a ringworm scare and school inspection for the bug, complete with lamp lights and nurses. Beneath the boys’ white hats their heads were shaven. 5
They were both called “Lucky.” The name seemed to fit each of them. Arthur was “Lucky.” Bobby was “Lucky.” Arthur was the younger but not by more than two years. Bobby was always the considerably taller. You might say he was… lanky. They bore no resemblance to one another, either physically or in their behavior. Bobby seemed quietly and confidently to enjoy the status of older brother. Arthur was the wilder and tougher, the more demonstrative and impetuous. But although Arthur was undeniably what kids referred to as tough, and maybe even the toughest on the block, he was not, as many a “tough” kid was, psychotic, volatile or nasty. He was approachable. And contrary to utilizing his “tough” status to bully, Arthur was often prevailed upon by younger, smaller or weaker kids to protect, defend, or help them out of a jam with less understanding denizens of the neighborhood. He was a good arbitrator, mostly because he could negotiate from a position of strength. And he never exacted anything for the service.6
Bobby sometimes played stickball with the older kids on the block but was less of a presence than was his brother. He kept to himself. Shortly after the Korean War broke out I seem to recall Bobby jauntily arriving in the neighborhood one afternoon in a sailor suit. I say “seem to recall” because I can’t figure how he had got hold of the uniform so fast and perhaps over the years I had only imagined him as a fully outfitted sailor, somewhat prematurely. In any case, he was back in civilian clothes some days later. Word was he was turned down, and reclassified 4-F because of a punctured ear drum. The rejection became known from the neighborhood buzz, and the feeling was that for Bobby, pride had turned to shame. It had, at least for him, become disappointment.7
Arthur meanwhile was becoming sinewy, although not nearly reaching the height of his older brother, and developing his lean muscular frame by some mysterious process, which, when I queried him about it, he did confide, could be attributed to strenuous weight lifting at home...barbells! It was the first I had ever heard of this process. Shortly thereafter, from spring through the fall, Arthur rarely wore anything but T-shirts with sleeves rolled up to the shoulders, unfiltered package of cigarettes tucked securely in the folds. And soon after that he became the first on the block to sport a tattoo on his deltoid. It was a red heart with an arrow piercing it. Beneath it, it said "Mother." I remember many brief evening conversations, with Arthur perched on the fender of a parked car, during which he waxed knowledgeable on any one of a number of subjects. Arthur had the wisdom of a kid who was three or four years older than you were. He knew about weight lifting, women, sharp dressing, and, it seemed, the adventuring ways of the world. Later that year Arthur enlisted, impressively, in the U.S. Air Force. The feeling was that Bobby felt badly.8
Arthur was killed shortly thereafter while stationed out west. The story had it as being a car accident somewhere on the coast. For most of us word of what had happened carried a most unreal quality and did not convey the kind of devastating, tragic impact it should have. It had the undertone of another wild event; another bit of the kind of rash mischief that characterized much of what Arthur did. How he lived. And for some time the expectation was that someday, somehow, Arthur would be coming back.9
Less and less was seen of Bobby and it seemed the days of carefree stickball and frivolous hanging around outside, in romp and high jinks, had passed. With Arthur’s vanishing from the ranks, something of the cavalier was gone from the block. When I did see Bobby he never smiled, he never laughed. He seemed sullen, bitter. And always, he kept to himself, dissuading any casual conversation.10
We moved to the apartment above the Luckenbachs. I was attending high school and playing piano. And just about everyone within earshot knew. One day a strange thumping sound, a persistent bass vibration, began to emanate from the floorboards. It was not long afterwards that Bobby Luckenbach, one afternoon, rang my doorbell.11
It was a warm spring afternoon and the promise of the school term’s end, an exciting summer, romance and all the indefinable options open to youth, softened and tantalized the air. It was the kind of air so gentle and undisturbing, its benevolence almost went unnoticed, certainly unappreciated. But it was there. And it seemed to me, at least in subsequent years, to have colored and set the tone for everything that happened that afternoon. 12
It was the first time I had ever seen Bobby Luckenbach standing at my door. Up front and person to person, so to speak. An older kid, calling for me! I was totally puzzled as to what he might have wanted. It crossed my mind that my playing might have gone too far and his visit was by way of a complaint. Bobby said he knew I played the piano and that I was attending a music high school and he wanted to show me something. He said he would appreciate my opinion. Apparently, he had wanted to share something with me. Obviously, there was no one else. 13
We went downstairs and for the first time I ventured through the Luckenbach door. The old lady was there, in her housedress, shuffling about. Bobby took me through the long hallway into his room at the back of the apartment. With an indescribable pride he showed me his high-fidelity set up: the speakers, the amps, the turntable, the receiver. And then with great delicacy he lovingly removed several records from a neat array of albums carefully organized on new, dust free shelves. The albums were Frank Sinatra with the Nelson Riddle Orchestra and a guy I had never heard of, Stan Kenton. The room filled with a vibrating Artistry in Rhythm and Opus in Pastels, Laura and Intermission Riff. I now understood where the thumping bass in the floorboards came from and heard a combination of sounds I had never heard before, called 23 Degrees North 82 Degrees West; synchronized trombones that haunted me for years until I finally learned what the title meant and located the recording. (It turned out to be the coordinates of Havana, Cuba.) And then Bobby played Sinatra’s I’ve Got You Under My Skin, snapping his fingers to the Nelson Riddle arrangement. I had never seen him smile so broadly and so much. I had never seen him as happy. Since then, Sinatra/Riddle and Stan Kenton have always been connected for me, and spring days have always borne the strains and echoes of those tunes; the music those men made. 14
I had completed my first year at Hunter College when Bobby asked me down to hear some new Kenton sides he had just bought. He told me he had gotten a job at a neighborhood record store. And soon, he said, he would be going for his “G.E.D.” He smiled a wide grin, revealing a row of crooked, somewhat poorly aligned, and concave top teeth.15
The last time I saw Bobby Lucky he was busy with customers in the mom and pop record shop on 181st Street between Broadway and Fort Washington Avenue. He was laughing, in motion, totally involved.16
The Port of New York Authority razed our apartment building shortly thereafter. All the 20 Cabrini tenants had to relocate and I never saw Bobby after that, although on many spring afternoons I wondered where Bobby Lucky and his mother had flown to and whether Bobby was still hearing the sounds he had loved. He didn’t seem to be listed anywhere, not under any of the spellings I tried for his name. It was, after all, a tricky name. Luckenback? Luchenbach? Luckenbach? Or was it Luckenbacher? It wasn’t Lucky.17
It was on a balmy June day more than forty years later that I ventured into the New York Public Library on 42d Street to see if I could get the proper spelling of Bobby’s last name from an old listing in a 1949 reverse telephone directory. And what was his mother’s name, anyway? Perhaps, I thought, his number might still be listed, these days, under her name. I had always thought it was Mary…or Marion.18
Finding the proper room on the second floor, Local History, I accessed the telephone book on a reel of microfiche. And there it was: 20 Cabrini Boulevard with a listing of nearly all the tenants I had remembered; many of them quite gone and many quite forgotten. But something was wrong because Lucky wasn’t there. Neither was Luchenback, Luckenbach or any other similar spelling. It took me a moment and then I realized, of course! They didn’t have a telephone yet! I tried a 1950 book. My finger caressed the screen, moving down the list of long lost, familiar and now regained names. There they all were, as they had been. And there was Lucky’s. I might not find him now, after all these years, but I had found his name. Luckenbach. And the first name, unexpected. It was Bobby’s and Arthur’s mother. Her name, strange and uncommon. Kind of classy sounding. A lovely name: Marlan. It didn’t seem to fit her. But the more I looked at it, the more I looked back, the more I guess it did. The more it fit. Anyway, there it was. Marlan. Marlan Luckenbach.There it was.19
Author notes
This is a favorite story of mine.... It's a shame many don't seem to understand what it conveys. But it's all there. I can assure you who say "wha?" It's all there. This, for those who need it, is a story about the beauty and riches, the lasting memories, that can stem and arise from beginnings of sadness, shame, tragedy and guilt. It is about the fruit and flower that can come from the fertile soil so often overlooked and mistaken.
By the way, G.E.D. is a High School Equivalency Diploma. ("General Equivalency Diploma") And, again, like the story I always want to pair with this one, BEN BORDEN,(because of the same house and neighborhood) this too is not merely a "trip down memory lane." It IS a Short Story, with all the disparate elements and conflicts, the Major Character, the symbol and the Major Theme!
Thanks!
GARY ALEXANDER
In a list
A contest entry
- Show Me What You've Got! by Myra La-Ryn.
400 points, ended July 26, 2008, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - your best stories, please (topics available) by Rhonin.
325 points, ended August 5, 2008, 15 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Success Stories by Migfin.
500 points, ended August 30, 2008, 13 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Got Clap? (Prewrites Only!) by Valkyrie.
650 points, ended September 20, 2008, 35 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Beauty by Solei.
250 points, ended October 25, 2008, 15 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Sadness is a horrible thing... by XxXDreamWeaverXxX.
135 points, ended January 18, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Music Makes The World Go 'Round by Rabecky-Citrus.
175 points, ended March 17, 6 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - *Shh* No talking! by GuitarShank.
350 points, ended February 13, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Album Covers by LiveLoveJabberwocky.
428 points, ended May 27, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - A challenge to all: I'm not looking for a story. I'm looking for literature. by DreamWanderer.
1750 points, ended April 13, 21 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - 2 DAY CONTEST!!!!! by volleym.
175 points, ended August 15, 31 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Hope by Psycho Mantis.
100 points, ended September 27, 31 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 93 of 93
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Lol
First off, the perfect story?(under shamelessly promoted) that being said you always seem to have weird things like that(which always makes me think you are wildly arrogant although getting to know you a bit better I think I am wrong in that judgement and that it is just some very odd humor). Anyway I recognized something deep in this story and it reminded me heavily of my childhood and it made me greatly appreciate it. When people would simply listen to music and bathe in the sheer pleasure it brought and when people actually used to do stuff with each other(it seems like no one does much of anything anymore). It is funny how stories and perception's change as age comes and this story appeared like a crisp old photo with most of its color lost which I think is the way that you must remember it. Anyway enough ranting, great write.
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This one I like. My mother was a divorcee. When she married my father it was evidently scandalous. She was five years older had a child and my poor dad was barely 18, I suppose if my son tried that I would be mortified as well! Nice memories...
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I like it. Sort of a bete noir start like a Raymond Chandler. Nice to be able to revisit that era even though I was born in '53 and never lived in NY
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Wow. This was good. I liked it. Thanks for entering and best of luck to you in the contest!
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awesome, as usual.
I liked this, just as you thought I would. The general theme was well put-toegther, and quite easly imagined. I quite enjoyed the musical elements of it, and enjoy how the details of the misucal collections are described. great!
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I think I might have read this before but, don't remember. Anyway, I liked it well enough and it was well written.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I liked it, it was kind of slow though, but I liked it. Good job!
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Just Beautiful
So descriptive, gentle and poetic. The story justs carries you along and I didn't want it to end. You seem to stand outside and inside the story at the same time. Finding her 'real' name at the end just completed the circle for me.
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i loved the way you seperated younger views on a person's appearance from those that are older. A clever and most realistic thing to do, it's a real rarity to see ppl writing in such a way.
It's cool to read a story written in another time, but the way you wrote it makes me wonder if you are sad about it passing. Great use of imagery.
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i really liked this you set the scene really well, and it so believable that many stories cant pull off in a different time zone, whether fiction or fact. i loved how the protagonist told his own story through the sotry of his neighbours.
thank you for entering, and good luck! -
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO WRITE SUCH AMAZING STORIES?!
Lol.
Anyways...I like the "All description, no dialogue" theme. I liked that because most people have the whole:
"Hi, my name's Ted," Ted said.
"Hi, I'm Amber," she said.
"What's up?" he asked.
"Nothing. And you?" she said.
That gets on my nerves. But I think that's one of the main reasons I like this so much. Because it has much detail, and a whole lot of describing. Very nice job. =]
--Becky.
(I didn't forget your claps this time!!!)
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Excellent
The time frame and the story fit just right. People cared more in those days than they do now. Relationships lasted and everyone knew everyone else.Very good backward view and you are right the very young would not see the importance of the tie that binds.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Your writing always seems to have a touch of nostalgia. It's like you are reaching back in time to a place that never really existed.
There is a sadness there as well as you seem to refuse any easy (happy) option when you close the narrative.
You remind me of something.
You do.
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I really liked this...though I think I'm one of the ones going "wha?"
It did seem incomplete, but I'll take your word that it is finished. Still, it was very good...nice flow, and the imagery was superb. Although, I have to ask -- what cover did you use?
Good job and thank you for entering my contest!
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Fine entry. No sound bytes here; obviously you're not pandering to short attention spans. I got a nice feel for the memories and the different times playing out the events that shape us all. No plot, no direction, good writing needs neither. Just an excellent flow of words. You nailed what I was looking for.
All the best
Dw
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This is good. I think that it could be a lot better though, to be honest. The writing is fine, but I feel as though it's missing something. Something more could have happened. She found Lucky's listing in the phone book, and then that was that. Nothing really came of it. However (and additionally) it seems like you switched the focus from the mom, to the boys, to Bobby, then back to the mom. The message is kind of unclear.
Nevertheless, good write
I did enjoy it, don't get me wrong.
Thanks for entering!
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this is won-der-ful
I loved it
Good Luck in the contest!
Though, quite frankly, you don't need luck when you've got skills like this
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Well done, the way this story was written is a different way to which I normally see, this is a good thing.
A little problem is it goes on a bit, and readers with short attension spans would not like to read all of it, though I ended up reading it all.
All in all this is a lovely story,
Well done and good luck
~Cat
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This is a great story! Nice plot line, good characters, and very well written! I liked it a lot.... It's a very well written and interesting story....... Thanks for entering!!!!
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I liked this a lot. (: First though, I have some notes, below.
Now, you might say “tall and thin”. The period should be inside the quote here. I used to always get in trouble for this with my composition teacher so its somethign I notice almost immediately in someone else's work. (;
"Bobby seemed quietly and confidently to enjoy the status of older brother." This sentence was awkwardly worded and it took me a while to figure it out. It would be better phrased: "Bobby seemed to enjoy the status of an older brother with quiet confidence" or "Bobby seemed to confidently and quietly enjoy the status of older brother"
This was also awkwardly worded, I'm still not positive what the meaning was. "The rejection became known from the neighborhood buzz, and the feeling was that for Bobby, pride had turned to shame." I'm just guessing at the point, but I think it might be better put as "The neighborhood buzzed with news of the rejection, and Bobby's pride turned to shame."
Again, awkward phrasing "The feeling was that Bobby felt badly."
I loved the Mother tattoo, a sexy momma's boy. (: Really, I loved the story on the whole. It was captivating and realistic and original, with great descriptions. I love the style with which you described things, no presumption, no superfluity, just simple, fitting words. It was refreshing.
Finalist list. Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest. (:
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Thank you for referring me to this story -- I'll catch the Ben story later. This was finely done, with your main characters well-developed and distinct. I enjoy the unexpected in a story, and you did that with your characters. Only the narrator is left as something of an enigma, since some of your readers think the narrator is male, while others think female... and i think it doesn't matter, because what we are watching is the impact this family as a whole has on the narrator. The details are very effective, describing the neighborhood, the games, naming the artists on the records, and pointing out the movement through the library. I enjoyed this very much.
PS Hawkes Lake is the small lake that sits behind our house, named for the man from Scotland who first farmed this area. We really do have 10,000 lakes here in Minnesota, and many large and small throughout the metropolitan area (I live in Edina, which is a first ring suburb of Minneapolis.) Our back yard is partially landscaped, and partially allowed to go wild, so we have birds, various small animals, and even an occasional deer. The lake is almost frozen over, but last week we still had merganzers paddling about!
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youve got some trophies for this! good job
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WOW That's was really good.. im definately going to read some of your others!!
beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 2, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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This is a great story! Nice plot line, good characters, and very well written! I love stories wrote in the first person, so this is definitely going to be a favorite of mine! I always love reading your work, so nice job. Another fantastic story!
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Nice, although I hate Jonas Brothers, I love your story!!!
I got confused on the words you used like "Divorcee" and such, but for some other reason... I laughed at them...
Either way, nice job~! -
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OMG as if you could hate the jonas brothers!!!
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it has nothing to do with the topic
sooooooooo but it's good! don't get me wrong on that but it's good so just fyi the topic is the jonas brothers. -
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OMG I LOVE THEM TOOO!!!!!! BUt my fave is Nick too!! hehe
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Okay just one questin in what way does this fit into the prompt that you were asked to write about? The prompt being what inspires you? If you can tell me then I will be happy to judge this properly. Thanks
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OMG
What a nice story! I loved it!!! You truly have a way with words! Its awesome...! I wish i could write like that! You are amazing.
I always liked stories when it came to overcoming obstacles! Sure, his prodigy of a brother died and he was bitter, but thank god he didnt comminted suicide when he realized he was losing everything he wanted to do and be with... it slowly redeemed himself and overcame this thing and found to something that he loved to do himself.
I loved how you tell someone elses tale through the point of view of an another... its amazingly beautiful!
Esp. the last paragraph... the way the girl stills thinks about them even though it had been so many years and she still wants to find out their names...
I loved this story.
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Nice social comment......
...and I'm almost old enough to remember the stigma of divorce. We didn't have too many of those, and I never really cared, because to me they were just people. Kids have to be taught prejudice, a damning indictment on adult society.
The second sentence in para 4 really grated. "Pretty much it was she....", horrible American colloquialism, it really stands out against the rest of the language. If this was deliberate, I'll say no more, but I had to stop and gnash my chompers and take a raincheck on dispatching a bitter note of complaint to you, but whilst I privately anathematised such sinful linguistic abuse, I realise it might have a useful function. Can't guess what it is though.
As you say, all the elements of a short story about change is there. I love the bit about Marian, which in my old community was an exclusively Catholic spelling (meaning "of the purity and devotion of the Virgin Mary". Boy, did some parents get it badly wrong!).
As always, a gentle and evocative read, with a little more bite if you look for it. Nice one! -
good
i get what you mean about what you said in your author notes. I can see why this could be one of your favortite stories. good job welll written
good jjob agiaain
j
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Yeah, I think I know what you mean. Back then, neighborhoods were like one big family. They were closely knitted to each other, even if the residences weren't even related. It was a lot of love.....everyone knew everyone else's business. There was gossip, but love nonetheless. This story seemed romantic to me.=)
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Great!
I really enjoyed this story, I probably even liked it better than Ben Borden. The characters seemed so real, and the emotions were authentic too. Gosh, you are such an excellent writer, how did you become that way? Did you go to college? You're so impressive!=)=)=)
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i really really enjoy this ALOT! it first caught my attention bcuz it was called lucky and thats my dogs name but its nothing about my dog lol. anyway i loved this alot and its cool how music helped bobby and i wonder why they just left. but my computer is acting put and wont let my type alot so im gonna rap this up with a I LOVE IT
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Right...I don't remember reading any of your work yet so since it was on the features I thought I'd give it a go. I liked it. I was interested by the narrators interest in the 'Lucky' brothers and enjoyed hearing about there lives...well what he knew about them. As someone said below the fact that he remembered Bobby's music all that time really made the piece shine, just the thought that 40 years on he still wanted to know where they were or just know there name.
At the end he found it...almost felt quite relieving. Maybe this wasn't the comment you were looking for but I enjoyed this story and was glad I read it.
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Very good job, that was very good, excellent story and descritpion, and just what i like. lol, it truly is beautiful just as i asked, fantastic, job
good luck -
Beautiful story
I kind of expected both the brothers to die, but you gave a very beautiful description of the family. I wondered whether Bobby became a musician or something.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Gary!! I SEE you over there! This story so rocked. I absolutely loved it. It must be filed in the "HOPE" section, yes? I thought so. And oooh, you said "pejorative"! Woo hoo for three-dollar words! The whole story was just beautiful. I really like how you followed each Lucky boy and showed their differing paths. I was a bit concerned for Bobby there for a while, until you introduced the healing power of music. And how you ended the story, repeating the name and how it seemed to fit the more you thought about it, that was very picturesque. I could see you in the library, finger against the screen, tapping it absently in time to your own silent murmuring as your eyes flicked over past memories, and you were completely lost in recollection for a few minutes. Yay for deep and powerful imagery!
Seriously. Good. Writing.
Thanks much for sharing this story in my contest. Good luck to ya.
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*sigh* This is a really great story, and I like it very much, but I must sigh because you are 900 words over the limit and your favorite color isn't in your authors notes. Hmmm, maybe if you put your favorite color in your authors notes I'll be lienent(or however you spell it) with your entry, cuz it proves you have read the rules, *hint hint*
Great story though, it's gonna be hard to judge this conteat, so many great entries, anyways, I'm not gonna check back to see if you add your favorite color, I'm just gonna hope you do and say, GOOD LUCK in my contest =DD
-Dani -
Haha, this story was great =D at first I thought the pace seemed a bit slow for it to be a typical success story, but then I realised that it isn't a typical success story, which made it even more special =)
The ending was ace, it was just so sweet that (either you or the character) cared enough about the family to keep searching for them. And that little moment of clarity right at the very end, it's just lovely =)
Thanks for entering, good luck in the contest =)
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Time Machine
Talk about a story that takes you back in time. The past has never been so vibrantly and percisely portrayed as it is in your stories. These characters came alive. Again they all held such a romatic feel, full of rich emotion and life. There was nothing fake about them, their situations or their reactions. What makes this story great is that it's so completely believable. Every event you describe is so in tune with the pace of those times that you can't help but get caught up in the sophisticated simplicity of this story. I love how you made music not only Bobby's outlet, allowing him to move on past the death of his brother, but his lifeline to the outside world, and human contact. That really hit a nerve with me because I could relate to that completely. This story was so refined, brimming over with nostalgia for a time long since past, and it makes me a little sad that life's no longer like what is described here, where men died in wars and not at the hands of gangs. Thanks for taking me on another wonderful journey, it was a shame to return to reality.
Rita-Dawn
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, characters: 5.
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I can't explain what this story did, but i couldn't stop reading. it was slow, uneventful, yet you couldn't tear yourself from it. the way you conveyed a simple, plain tale in such a deep, thoughtful manner is fantastic. You turned a simple tale into what can almost be called an epic memory. though slow, calm and peaceful, this piece kept me on the edge of my seat the whole way. and when it finished, and Marlan Luckenbach's name was revealed, i had an inexplainable shiver of excitement race down my spine. this was truly a work of genius, kudos to you.
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Beautiful
I loved this. The ending was really good when the narrator is looking for Bobby and finds it. I liked the overall tone of this story a lot, one of those hazy memories kind of thing. I also liked the way you made her be involved but not really, it's more about Lucky and his family.
Unfortunately i can't consider you for this contest because you failed to comply with the request for your favorite movie in your AN. Please put this in.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Enjoyed the place setting best. DOn't usually read stories placed out of the present and found it quite enjoyable. I really loved the ending of all other sections best. Some confusion for me at first, but i enjoyed it very much once i caught on. Thanks for entering...this was very enjoyable. You do have some Grammar things going on..missing commas, but NBD. Thanks again. d.
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Great write. I love the beginning AND the ending, and how you let the reader really THINK. I also like your writing style; you captured the correct mood for this time period, in my opinion.
Thanks for entering my contest and good luck! =]
-jj
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Man, I've been sitting here for five minutes trying to figure out what this reminds me of. I can't think of it, though. This almost seems like a chapter out of Going Solo by Roald Dahl, but I can't exactly say your style of writing reminds me of him. Anyway, I like how you put in random details that really give the story a realistic feel. It flows very nicely, too. Great job, as usual. I hope to read more.
~Trillian~
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What an interesting story. You seem to take some mundane, random thoughts and translate them into a moving and compelling piece of elegant prose. Very well crafted, Gary.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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In answer to your question;
Maybe If I had the skills.
You have such a way of giving every thing a story needs...
with the emotion that just drives the story.
Sometimes I got lost because of the way you wrote it... which is far more intellec than I can credit for.
Great work ~.~
Blair
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Nice one. You're right; I did enjoy it. Good on you.
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Very well written, Gary. One of the better short stories I have read in awhile. I also have come from the past, and fell in love with the short stories of those days. Keep up the good work.
Semper Fi
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This was one of the best stories i've ever read on here! i'ts very well writtien and you could very easily turn this into a book if you broke down each section of the story and added dialogue and all that jazz. Excellent work!
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Very nice
First things first- capitalize Marine in “the marine, and in fact was one…the first one I was ever aware of, if not the first I had ever seen." The ellipsis isn't need there, either.
Spell out third in third floor, please.
Good heavens women didn't wear suits in the forties! Unless, of course, it was a skirt-suit, and even then, oh la la!
"recollection of Bobby and Arthur was of the two of them, running across the street wearing sailor hats." Either take out the comma or put one in after "street"
"The albums were: Frank Sinatra with the Nelson Riddle Orchestra and a guy I had never heard of, Stan Kenton. Since your list is only two albums long, the colon is overkill.
I enjoyed this very much, and I tend to like most of your 'times-past' pieces. Keep writing them, old bidies like myself need realistic ways to remember the good old days; one can only watch WW2 movies so much.
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Absolutely Correct!
I defer to you,Granny! You comma comment is well taken...careless on my part. Ditto with the colon catch...and third! Marlan's pants suit may have "skirted" the truth...but was intended.
Thank you. (Want a part-time gig as a copy editor?)
Thanks,
GA
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*comes back from her Delorian*
How you know so much and can describe a era in such wonderful detail is beyond me. You didn't jsut tell a story here GA, you took us all on a ride to a memory. This spill was fantastic in all points, enthralling and way beyond the scope of this poor reader's imgination.
My only gripe is P13-- the 3rd and 2ns last lines are pretty simliar in structure and seem a little akward.
You are amazing.
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Wow. This was unbelievable.
You've blown me away, man, you have.
Especially the ending, GENIUS! -
I liked it very much.
How did it end? -
This is wonderful, I felt transported to the time and place described, and I felt for each of the characters. I loved the use of matter-of-fact language such as "Mrs. L was the mother of the boys. That was that. There was no father." and "But the more I looked at it, the more I looked back, the more I guess it did. The more it fit. Anyway, there it was. Marlan. Marlan Luckenbach.There it was." A superb piece of writing here.
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I goofed and forgot to finish (geri slapping head)
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.
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Cleanly written short story, with interesting characters.
I was attending high school and playing piano. And just about everyone within earshot knew. Very large smile.
A marvelous job of taking the readers back in time to a different New York. Your descriptions in the piece are so realistic I had a flashback of an old back and white “A tree grows in Brooklyn.”
It was perfect that the mother’s name wasn’t Mary—she was so colorful Marlan seemed appropriate and it was fitting the drab grandmother was nameless.
Divorce in the forties—that brought tears to my eyes. I remember my mother’s horror stories about being the only child in an Irish Catholic neighborhood, going to a fine parochial school, and being the byproduct of a failed marriage.
Boys I take it were less judgmental than girls or nuns. Apparently their peers accepted Bobby and Arthur, or at any rate the narrator, being younger, didn’t sense the venom.
I enjoy the way you bring a boy up through the different stages of development to adulthood while we glimpse his physical and emotional experiences on the way.
Ger
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A Shrub Grows in Washington Heights
You've got it...and have a good sense of humor too. Nice when readers "get" what you are trying to convey. It IS a very different N.Y. today...and many people are not aware of that. I try to fill them in. (And many STILL don't know). So thanks for being there, Bobby and Arthur thank you, Marlan thanks you...I thank you.
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I love your progression from childhood to loss, I think you write this theme particularly well GA.
I like the ending, I like how you never spell it out for us, you treat your readers like adults and that is the best thing about your writting. Lovely stuff.
You also capture the mood of times well, I really felt like I was there, only faded like I was watching an old movie. It was a simply swell effect.
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LOSE some...but GAIN some!
I think you got it all...well, almost all. It wasn't ALL a loss. Narrator does come away with something to be prized...even from that backdrop of early lean years...social indigence, not exactly a bounty of cultural wealth. At the very least, he comes away with a little more love, some knowledge gleened along the way, understanding and warm memories. Some loss, yes, but oh, the gain! And you are correct about my endings.... I always hope for the right readers! Thank you for being one of them.
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Very good descriptions. I like the way the story started.You have described the past brilliantly. I dont know much about hisrory but it was good to read.The sudden change in Bobby's behavior takes me by surprise. A really different story.
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and...Viva La Difference...I hope!
I am always gratified to have, if not initiated, at least indulged a fellow traveler. When I write, I certainly come as close as I can to traveling back. Delighted to have succeeded in taking another reader along. The company is welcome. Thanks. -
Viva La Difference
Looks like I have a fan! Glad you stopped by to read this. (It's one of MY favorites!) You say you don't know much about history...well you know a little more about it now. The story is accurate...little is contrived. It is always my intention to transport my readers...and bring them back EXACTLY to my chosen venues; to the places, the people, the events. You are perceptive to note Bobby's change...and I hope, his effect on the narrator! And yes...the story IS different. As are ALL my others.
Thanks again,
GA
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I love how you didn't reveal the name until the very end (And when you did, it made me think of Marlon Brando and I was suddenly overcome with an urge to watch The Godfather, but that's a different story) It gave the story a nice final snap to go out on.
I also admire the way you write the past, the 40's and 50's being my favorite time period in American history (I have strange obsessions) and you certainly bring justice to it by writing fantastic.
In some ways, your stories remind me of the works of J.D Salinger. I can't quite put my finger on it, but your stories always give me the same general..."feel" as his do, so to speak. -
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J.D....wow!
Well, i'm not quite sure I get the Brando connection...but I love the forties myself...and the fifties. Thanks for the comparison to Salinger...I'm flattered. He's one of my favorites...and one of the best. I don't know if I rate the company, but I think I hear what led you to make the connection. It was the last few lines of Holden's in Catcher in the Rye...and the last few words of my character in Lucky. Quite accidental...but I can hear it. Anyway, I'll take it. Thanks.
GA -
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Because the girl's name was Marlan. Marlan-Marlon. My mind works in mysterious ways.
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I personally love the ending, when you find her name. It's like, you've been through these things with these people, Bobby and Arthur, and then you get around looking Bobby again, and you're reminded of their mother. The person behind the person. I could really feel the whispers and gossips of the tenants about Mrs. L, as well, as I grew up in a tight knit country community. It's always a good thing for authors to call on the reader's own personal experiences when writing a story.
I did think that one thing that might have added to the story was at least one account of Arthur's knowledgeable or "experienced" life. I think that could give a better insight to Arthur's personality and character.
But yes, it is great, and stirs all sorts of thought. The vocabulary and grammar is, again, impeccable. Good job. -
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Thank you. Great to communicate
You are a perceptive reader, sir (I assume it is "sir.") And, I am gratified at your kind words. You have, in addition, abstracted the important pieces of this tale...the unspoken words and whispers, the closing of the contained circle in this story; this microcosm...and the curtain-drawing epiphany when the narrator discovers the woman's lovely name. Thank you for reading...and seeing.
GA -
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lol, ma'am actually, but that's quite understandable. lol. I hate using "lol," but that's pretty funny.
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Good story
Heya, I liked it. It's not really my thing but I thought it was a good story. A couple of tips people on here gave me. Breaking it up into chapters makes it an easier read. I like that it was Telling the story, instead of Reading it. ya know. I think your a good writer. And I'd like to see more from you.
Keep going! lol
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 2, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Good story
Very nice descriptions of your characters and the area. I think adding some dialog betwwen you and the Lucky boys would have made the story even better.
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Very Atmospheric
Reading your short story here, I feel as if I am speaking, or rather listening, to an older man, whom I have just recounted my own search for a lost freind to. Having been in this situation of trying to find someone, I know exactly how the narrator feels. I did find the story complete, full of nostalgia. It makes me feel as if I had lived that life, and some would argue that I have, just in a slightly altered form.
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I'm the old...OLDE guy, I guess!
Thanks for the kind comments. I am glad you enjoyed the story and quite convinced you got plenty from it. I try to convey and communicate. To me...it is important. So, I am gratified to reach another reader.And, if it makes you feel as if you have lived that life...then, Kid, (may I call you Kid? (lol) then you have!
Gary
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Great.
You have a very unique style - very well-defined. I was drawn into the story and your descriptions were integrated into the story in such a way that it wasn't a constant barrage at the senses, but rather a constantly sharpening picture. Well done there.
Also, your grammar was impeccable, which is lovely, because too often a great story is ruined by bad grammar... anyway, I'm rambling. Kudos to you there, as well.
My only problem with this story is that it ends so abruptly, and completely off the topic you were heading towards. In the beginning, the narrator was contemplating Mrs. Luckenbach, but the entire middle was devoted to her sons. It was just getting to where I wanted to know about the narrator's search for Bobby, and suddenly, we're back with no warning to Mrs. Luckenbach, who hadn't really been mentioned since the beginning.
I think you should either lengthen the story to encompass the narrator's search for Bobby or mention Mrs. Luckenbach more, enough to keep the reader thinking about her so the ending won't seem so random.
But otherwise, great write, I very much enjoyed it.
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DP,
First, thanks for reading the tale, and your insightful comments. So far as your indication that you might have wished more on Bobby...something more gratifying and conclusive, well...I guess that's the way life is; and my tales will always reflect this...not present things in the orderly, satisfying, positive way we might wish. Often we do not get what we wish, do not FIND what we seek, and are not comforted in the way we should like. Often we are only left with a memory, an echo, a shadow...albeit a lovely one...a rich one...and that is what happened here.
Your rather perceptive observation that Bobby's mother was brought back at the end was purposeful...and meaningful. It takes the tale FULL CIRCLE...brings the story and sequence of events back to the beginning (like a mobius)...BUT...with more insight. We realize the true beauty and riches from which everything in the story sprung...even though it was a painful, and perhaps misinterpreted arrival. Now, however, the reader knows...something he or she did NOT know before...and the narrator has the epiphany as well...being aware of something he was NOT aware of at the start! Sometimes that's ALL we get in this life...IF we are LUCKY!
Best, pixie,
Gary Alexander
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Great writing!
Nice writing style. This is too good to be so short. If you really want to write a story specifically this length, it needs a more concise ending. My interest started to peak about the time that the narrator started his quest to find Bobby - almost at the time the story ended. I was ready to read on, by the way.
I see this as part of a larger story; I wanted to know more. Would he find Bobby, for instance? What happens if he does? etc. Who is that narrator anyway? Does it matter? So, aside from brevity, the writing is quite good. As other people commented, the character development was terrific.
So, disregarding the brevity, the story reads very smoothly, no mis-spells or grammar problems that I can see. You have a real flair for writing I think. There was a richness in the narration and the descriptions that keeps a reader going. If there is more to this, let me know. Nice Job! Jamie
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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i loved the descriptions, vivid but not so many that you want to skip paragraphs. great read, i think.
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SQueee!
I really enjoyed this. It was so well written and the images that ran through my head were so vivid.
Good job
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Beautifully written!
Oh wow... I have goosebumps!
This was absolutely amazing... breathtaking!
This story is extremely unique in style. I love the way you manage to make it so interesting and full of emotion without having the term "I felt.." etc. included.
It is a story which causes the reader to become so drawn into and attatched to the characters you describe so vividly, that it manages to gain pathos without the description of emotions.
These characters WERE real to me, something which lacks in many stories i read (or write, teehee
). It was as though i had known them for years, and were witnessing everything that they went through.
This story reminds me so much of the novel "Romulus, my father" by Raimond Gaita.
"Romulus, my father" also concentrates on character descriptions and what people around Gaita go through, without going into any detail about himself.
This story was so much like his novel. A personal tribute rather than an academic piece.
It is not easy to write in this style and engage the reader emotionally at the same time. You however manage to do this so skillfully, i have no choice but to salute you!
To put it in simpler terms, the only critisism i have has nothing to do with the story. Your paragraph structuring is the way it should be in a novel, but reading long paragraphs on a computer screen is somewhat tiring on the eyes.
Other than that i enjoyed reading this immensely.
I found i was so attatched to this story i was having trouble parting with it.. so the closer i came to the last paragraph, the slower i read...
The subtle humour and sarcasm skillfully weaved through this piece was amazing! I felt that, although somewhat dark (as pathways down memory lane tend to be) you still manage to keep a classically witty mood and tone throughout.
The pace was brilliantly done. Not too fast and not too slow (otherwise i'd have stopped midway to light a cigarette... which i didn't, so take it as a compliment). It suited the story perfectly!
All in all a beautifully written piece. By far one of the best i have read on this site. I thank you for taking the time to write this and share it with us all, for i assure you it will be circling my mind for a very long time!
Keep writing! And all the best!
Yrs.
Azaradelle.
P.S. You don't mind if i nominate this for the front page do you? No, course you don't
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Azaradelle,
Thank you for all the accolades. I should like to say: intelligent comments...but in the interest of modesty, shall refrain. Still, Azaradelle, you are a perceptive, intelligent and perspicacious reader...and, speaking for both me and my piece...we are both fortunate (not to say LUCKY)to have had you as a reader! Thank you for the kind comments.
Gary Alexander
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Wonderful Story!! A small possible correction might be the repeating word in the second sentence, but I could be wrong! I really loved the vived descriptions and your style of writing in general. Again, wonderful story.
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Unsaid
If you are referring to the word "word" which I inadvertantly used TOO MANY TIMES!...I thank you...agree that you are, indeed, right...and have omitted reps. Again, I thank you. See? No one is perfect...as someone on another page (Claudia) just reminded me! Thanks again. I appreciate the catch and the comment!
GA
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Absolutely wonderful character sketches......i enjoyed it through and through!!!
there is a very gud flow to the entire story which really brings out and cases your wonderful and distinguished style of writing!!!
this was a very gud idea and theme, its different from what ppl do.....
you took a risk of putting ur time into something ppl normally won't read but its engaging and you'll have a fruitful harvest!!!!
once again....wonderfully written!!!
CHEERS!!! -
I enjoyed the pace. And I like how you ended it. It's a good start.
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honeybee
Thanks for stopping by, HB. As you may know, the ending, just before the old curtain falls, is where the heart of the tale (Tell-Tale Heart?) beats. There is the epiphany...that telling moment of truth...the great realization...and then...The Curtain! Story Over! So..., HB, I'm glad you liked the "ending," for it is the resolution...that bit of "truth" the protagonist, and hopefully, the reader learns and comes away with. Thanks for reading. GA
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good
well done.
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LB,
I am reminded of Woody Allen who, after taking a speed reading course, reads Tolstoy's War and Peace...in an hour. When asked about the book, Allen says: "It's about Russia!" Not that I'm comparing myself to Leo Tolstoy, but, hell, if you took the time to read this piece...and I took the time to write it...in order to hopefully have it speak something to you...although I am pleased that you stopped by and took a few moments to read it..."Good?" I would hope it stirred some more reaction than that. It's something I try for when I read people's work.
GA
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I enjoyed the slow pace of this, the stately setting and characterization in a steady tone that did not waver from the third person limited. This piece reminded me of classic literature of the nineteen hundreds and of some written words I've read from the 20's and 30's. Ask me why, and I can't answer, but that was my impression.
I liked the almost meandering, yet continual progression of this to its end. Great write.
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Nocturne
Probably the reason behind the "slow, meandering, continuing progression" (as opposed to interrupted pace which characterizes today's life) that you sense...is that the tale IS of the forties...with a bit of spill-over from the thirties, I guess. The fifties itself (themselves?) was (were) slow...black and white, and somewhat boring; a far cry from today. So, you are not far off. But...that's why! Thanks for coming by to read the piece. I appreciate your kind words and intelligent comments. BEN BORDEN is next!
Regards,
Cheers, et al,
Gary
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This was a well-written story, with a good voice for the narrator and engaging character sketches. I'm not normally into 'historical' or 'mainstream' fiction, per-se, but I enjoyed reading this.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, characters: 5.
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