POEM:1
Her vacant stare
penetrates my eyes,
It is no more abandoned
than her heart,
As she tells me,
She will never
love me.
POEM: 2
I don't want
To love you
Anymore.
And yet as
My heart chokes
I still long
For your touch.
A contest entry
- Short Poetry by Bitter Irony.
165 points, ended June 15, 2007, 26 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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You know, when I go through your old SW things, I get so depressed XD
Not nearly as bad as seeing that entry on your LJ from September '07 though. I wish I hadn't deleted my response entry, darn. >_> -
its really sad... loved them both though
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Aww. Very sad I love the short choppy phrases.. it's very train-of-thought like.. and it adds to the feeling that it's just a short fleeting emotional thing, instead of a long dwelled upon epic.
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they were both beautiful...but i liked the second one more. the first one was heart breaking but beautiful too. great job
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I agree (:
I loved them both- but the second one was my favorite. Sweet, lonely, and something a heck of a lot of people can definitely relate to. The limited use of lines and words was no trouble for you, as you still managed to portray loss, love, and heartbreak through minimum lines and words.
Fantastic job- I enjoyed it, and it left me almost ready to cry.
(:
-S -
Nice. I prefer the second one of the two: the first one, when you take it out of the verses and just write it as a sentence, doesn't make much sense: what do you mean her stare "penetrates" your eyes? What is "no more abandoned than her heart?"
Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!beginning: 1, language: 1, plot: 1, ending: 2, dialog: 1, characters: 2.
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I love the image of a choking heart - I just learnt the other night that choking is very painful (I choked on my breath, lol
)
but yeah... it IS painful... unrequited love and falling away from someone, anyway.
So short and yet, it leaves a resounding impact - perhaps more to me because I went through this once upon a time
Thanks for sharing this!
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Aww Lizz! *huggles*
You know I loved these!
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