Big Girls Don't Cry

Part One

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I guess I’m waiting for a miracle to happen. But obviously after 5 years, I don‘t believe in fucking miracles anymore. He must think I’m a fool. I know he’s cheating on me, but I haven’t done anything about it yet. He’s out with her right now actually. All these weekend business trips all of these years? Staying out at night so late.

“I have to get through with this paper, baby.”

Paper my ass. And one time he had the nerve to tell me that he was “out with the boys” and I actually heard her in the background giggling… What am I gonna do about it? I don’t know. I want to leave, but go where? You know what… The bank account is in my name isn’t it?

I ran upstairs and got my duffle bag and opened it on the bed. I walked to my dresser and opened my underwear drawer and took 10 pairs of my boy shorts. I threw them in the bag, and then noticed my face was wet. I wiped it and realized I was crying, and for what? Big girls don’t cry. I sniffed and went to the closet and got a couple pairs of my blue jeans and my Bermuda shorts. Who knows where I’m gonna go? Somewhere pretty, I know I haven’t been on a vacation in forever. Then I snatched a couple of my wife beaters and some tanks, sweaters, and regular t shirts and packed it down in there. Well stuffed. I went into the bathroom and got my wax kit, deodorant, toothbrush and took the toothpaste. I took my makeup and all and threw it in the toilet and flushed. It started making noises and over flooded. I didn’t care, though. This was no longer my house, it was his and hers. I took his favorite lipstick an wrote on the mirror: Beauty is only skin deep. I never ever liked make up and he knew it. Personally, I’ve got so many compliments that I don’t need to wear it and I agree. I put my hair up in a clip, and walked out. I threw my stuff in my other bag and closed both of them. Got my cell phone charger and put it in my purse.

I rolled up my jogging pants leg and took off my shirt and put on a wife beater. I took my cell phone off the night stand and dialed his number.

“Hey Babe.” He sounded like I interrupted a sex session.

“Look I’ll make this quick so you and Miss wanna-be Pamela Anderson can get through with whatever the hell you’re doing. I want a divorce. When you get here I won’t be here. You can reach me on this phone. Good bye.” I hung up and went to my phone book on my cell and went to his number, and chose delete. I love this thing when it asks me: Are you sure you want to delete this contact. I said, “Oh hell yea.” Contact deleted. I flipped it shut and ran downstairs. Took the house key, garage key, and green house key in a pot. Put water in it and put it on the stove. It was still night and I hated to drive at night, but I didn’t care. Jumped in my Altima started the car, and backed out the driveway. Once I was on the main road, I turned up the radio and instantly heard, “Big girls don’t cry.” The song had just went off. Maybe that was a sign. I smiled for the first time in a long time, and actually felt happy. I looked at my phone and it had 555-4562 and unknown above it I smiled and pulled over to answer it.

“Hello?” I said in my voice that said I was jumping on my bed screaming my heart out to Avril Lavigne.

“I never cheated on you! Nicky, you have to believe me! I’m on my way home.” He sounded kinda pitiful.

“Listen Nick, this is exactly why I left. I’m tired of your lies. Don’t call me anymore ok? I’m gone. About time you get home I’ll be well away from there by then. My lawyer will call you in a couple of days.” I flipped my phone close. And laid it down in the seat next to me. Then I thought better of it and reached over and turned it off. I drove at least another hour and stopped at a gas station. I got out and walked in and went to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and to my surprise I looked like I just got out the crazy hospital, I was smiling like a fucking bastard. I walked out and went to the section where the drinks were. I picked out a Fuze and took it to the counter I smiled at the man behind the desk.

He was cute, brown hair blue eyes, not to fat, not really skinny. I liked my guys with a little meat on them. Had a blue shirt on, with blue jeans. He was basically perfect almost. I’m not single though I have a husband. Wait, no I don’t . I giggled.

“Is that all mam?” He smiled. Perfect white straight teeth.

“Yes it is.” I paid for it and walked outside.

I jumped in the car and sat there a while, thinking of my next move. I could drive into town and rent a hotel for a couple days. Then I’ll decide where to go from there. I put the car in drive. And pulled out onto the street. It was midnight, and I could see the moon. It started to rain softly, and eventually it got harder. I drove another 15 minutes, and came to first hotel I’ve seen in a long time. It was a Holiday Inn, I pulled in the parking lot and parked. I got out and just stood there a while. I loved the feeling of the rain on my skin, Nick never liked it when I went swimming, or got in the rain. It felt like I was washing away all those years of deceiving and hurt. I walked up to the front office to find a girl in her late teens.

“I want to rent a room, please.”

She smiled, “One bed or two?”

“One. Here’s my card, charge anything and everything to the room please.”

“Ok. Just sign here, here and here.” I scribbled my initials quickly.

“Thanks, and what’s your name? mine is Mrs. Smith but you can call me Nicky.”

“Amy’s the name, you can call me Amy.” She giggled.

“Alrightey Amy.” She handed me the key and I took it. I smiled at her and walked to the room number that was on the key. Room number 15, I walked past 13 and 14 then swiped my key and it opened. It smelled faintly like Lemon, but I didn’t mind. I walked outside and noticed I’d parked a couple parking spaces away. I ran to the car, it had started to thunder and lightning. I got my bags and locked the door, and dashed back to the room.

Once I got there threw my bags on the floor next to the door. I flopped back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. I thought, “So this is what being free of worrying what’s Nick and her are doing right now. Feels great. So what am I gonna do now that I’m a single woman, thirty-nine and in hotel room…

Yea, I wasn’t thinking of that kinda stuff. Let’s take a mental list of all the things I am free of:

1.No more orders.

2.No more crying.

3.I can do whatever with whoever and not feel guilty.

4.I can live out my dreams from now on.

That’s not a long list right now, but later it’ll probably be longer than ever. I walked into the bathroom to check it out. Once you walk in there’s a Jacuzzi/bathtub on the left, the toilet on the wall facing the door and the sink and counter on the right with a huge wall mirror. I loved it. I walked out and latched the door, turned around and looked out the big window. It overlooked the garden(I supposed that’s what it was). I sat back down on the bed, and pulled off my sweats. I noticed I needed a tan, but I slid my legs under the covers and laid on my side.

What was I to do now? Will I ever love in my life? I didn’t wanna live by myself, but it would so be better than living with Nick. Just then my phone rung. Didn’t I turn it off?

“Hello?” I said, it was a number I didn’t recognize. Who could it be?

“Hey girly now the next time you run off to be a Vegas show girl tell me so I can come!” She laughed hysterically.

It was my sister, “Ahhh, I bet Nick told you.”

“Yep, called me looking for you and called me a cold-heartless-son-of-a-bitch too! But anyways, since you are now on the market you think you’ll give Rodney a chance?”

“No-” She cut me off.

“Don’t say no he’s calling you in ten, bye!” She hung up and I rolled my eyes. Leave it up to Bambi to ruin your train of thought.

I thought about Rodney. When I think of him my mind screams, “GAYDAR!” Rodney isn’t ugly at all, but he isn’t really my type either. He has a nice tan, skinny, brown hair, hazel eyes, tall, has a cute voice not as deep as a man’s but not high pitched either. Pretty white teeth, nice muscles too.

“Damnmit Bambi!” I said aloud. I reached for the remote on the nightstand and flipped the channels. I stopped on House, M.D. I’ve saw this episode before. I turned it down a little. And then my phone rung, why disturb the peace people?