I had the longest dream.
I was sitting on my couch and basking in my normalcy, I had no idea that my very existence was about to change. Seinfeld was quipping his "normal" jokes on the television, and I was dozing "normally" on the couch with my wife.
Then a loud, desperate, earth shattering, knock on my door. You know how when you are dreaming, everything seems to be louder? Well, this knock on the door jumped me clean out of my skin. I felt every nerve in my body tighten, and my every sense seemed to be set to its most heightened level. Something was telling me that danger, and uncertainty was behind that door.
I rose from the couch to investigate, ever so slowly, and peeked through the peephole. It was my neighbor from a few apartments over, and she looked downright pale.
I was in my underwear, so I deferred the door answering to my wife, and went to put on a pair of pants. As Julie, my wife opened the door and invited Brenda in, I had this sinking feeling that they were talking about me. Maybe it was the paranoia of dreamland, or the hushed tones they were speaking in, but something was certainly not right. Our neighbor just does not show up at ten at night without something being askew.
I walk back to the living room and again see her pale face, and ask what is wrong?
"You need to come up to work, because something has happened," she says. What? I ask over and over, but she says I just need to come to work.
The next ten minutes are a blur as my mind runs through the possibilities, and we make our way up to my workplace. I get there and when we pull into the parking lot, there stands my parent's neighbor, Jay. What in the world is he doing here? Why would Jay be in my workplace parking lot? I climb out of the car, and go over to him.
I ask him what the heck is going on? And he tells me he has some terrible news. What? What? What? What? What is the terrible news?
"Your mother passed away tonight." The words weren't real because this was a dream, of course. You are full of it I tell him. (He doesn't change his expression) My mother is only 56 years old I tell him.(He doesn't change his expression) My mother is healthy I tell him.(He doesn't change his expression). I decide to play along at this point and ask the hows, whys, and what to do next. I am completely flabbergasted, and hurting a kind of hurt I could never put into words.
I follow him back to the house and sure enough, she has passed. This is the point where I wake up, I think to myself. I have to wake up. I have to wake up. I HAVE TO WAKE UP..........................................I didn't wake up. I had the longest dream....1
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*This story is dedicated to all who have lost those closest to them, and is my best effort to convey the pain that follows. All go through it eventually, but we are never alone. Never forget that. Rodney Southern 3
A contest entry
- Watev!! by asthray.heart.
1100 points, ended June 20, 2007, 56 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - StoryWrite New Member's Contest June 2007 by SW Greeters.
350 points, ended July 9, 2007, 7 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Get Me Addicted! by On.Cue.
300 points, ended July 2, 2007, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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I noticed that perhaps my comment might come across as abrupt. What I was meaning was that the story was good but it was perhaps mislaid out or not explained well enough. Expansion is key.
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You did a good job with this. The only thing I would try to add more of is emotion...you have some in there, don't get me wrong but if you really put in how the main character was feeling during all this...even if he thought it was a dream...it would really draw your reader in, which is what you want.
On the grammar end...like Chryssi said...watch your dialog punctuation and fragments and you're set.
Good job. -
nice
it reminded me of my best friend, helen. she pasted away on june 10th, 2000. What was worse was that it was my 10th b-day party. i was really sad that she had passed.
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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You have many fragmented sentences throughout the story.
Then a loud, desperate, earth shattering, knock on my door.
for example.
watch for repetitive phrasing
What? I ask over and over, but she says I just need to come to work.
should be it's own paragraph, quotes around what
What in the world is he doing here? Why would Jay be in my workplace parking lot?
is this a thought? it should be its own paragraph
why would family not call and send the guy to work if his mother is dead? that makes no sense. I find this confusing... -
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Thanks for the suggestions
Thanks for your input. I realize that I have sentences that are fragmented, and I intended for them to be. That brings me to a question? From a writing standpoint, I have seen in many many books fragmented sentences used for dramatic effect. Example; She never wanted to go back into the house. Ever. Is that something you personally don't care for, or am I punctuating it wrong, etc...? Writing suspense and mysteries, it can be a very effective tool in building suspense. At the same time, I want to be correct in it's usage. For an example of what I mean, read pretty much any Dean Koontz novel. He does it all the time. I am very aware of what a run on sentence is, and a fragmented sentence is, and it would be very simple to eliminate these. Any insight you might share on this would be great. I have wondered over it for a while now. In reference to the very last comment you made, I was binded by truth. Senseless as it was, the guy in the story was me and it is a true story. I need to rewrite and explain that. I had no phone at the time, and my father was out of town. Therefore a neighbor came to get me, (the only family around at the time). I was trying to lock onto the metaphor of the dream, and sometimes dreams are broken up and not very clear. That WAS my state of mind at the time, and I didn't want to get the real message mudded up with unimportant details. In trying to accomplish this, I think I left out some key details as well. Thanks for pointing this out! Finally, me and those darn quotes are finally starting to get along. I have always written from a place in my mind that doesn't pay much attention to quotes, and since I am trying to do this more seriously, I am changing my habits. I have and will continue to improve in this area, and thank you for your comments and help.
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I very much enjoyed the ending where the character doesn't wake from the "dream"
However, I felt that you can fix this up more, fixing your grammar mistakes, more organization in thought, and some more details [mainly I couldn't picture much of what was going on].
But, yeah. Keep working on improving because you seem to have very creative ideas =) -
This almost feels like that dream you keep having of running and running and not getting anywhere.
I thought this was very well written. The description was enough for the reader to get the picture without overcrowding the mind with useless details. Great job.
Good luck with the contest and thanks for entering.
~*Brooke*~ -
Nice twist at the end there. ALthough, very sad to say the least. Yes, these "waking dreams" we often have to endure for a lifetime are not the most pleasant are they? I tend to prefer the ones where I can wake up. (But only if they are dreams I don't like! Some of the best dreams I have, I find myself wishing I'd NEVER wake up and could live in them forever!)
ANyway, nice job! (but you may want to delete a couple of references to the parking lot. One would have been suficient, since the reader already knows you are there.)
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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I really liked it, and the part about not waking up just was so sad. It's a good story for the contests, but try to be careful about spelling and punctuation, they are important in contests! Good luck!
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thispeice is a very complelling start. it leaves the read think back the the very beginning and wanting to know more though there is a definate resolution. good play on the sense of false security.
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Really well written and powerful. I believed it was a dream all the way up until the very end, when it became reality. That moment was very potent indeed. A great job, good luck in the contest!
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Wonderful!
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Wonderful
This was very nicely written but very sad, as I read through this it gave me shivers down my spine.
The ending is so powerful. It is sad that there are some things that you just cannot wake up from, and some dreams are so good that you just do not want to wake from them.
The title is powerful, a great setting and filled with unknown.
Keep up the great work
Stay safe
Em
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So sad!
I feel so sad.That happens to me when I dream actually.I think that I should wake up now.I want to see the light shinning in my room.Its so bright but it brings me out of my dream.Well it can't be a dream but a nightmare.I had lost a family memBER.I didn't know that family member that much.I don't even think that the family member knows me.To me that my family member only knows my identity which is my name,gender, and who I came from.I don't think that family member knows me like actually knows me.Anyway, good job!
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That is a really sad dream. That story touched me though. I enjoyed this story a lot
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This was very well-written. I enjoyed very much reading it. I love dreams and always write them down after waking up, but the thing is, it's always choppy and confusing. Yours flows very well and keeps the reader engrossed.
As for the normal comment left by another poster, I disagree. I think, first off, that normal is a subjective term, so the quotes make sense. Your showing your reader that you understand this, and maybe the quotes indicate that it's the general perceived "normal." Don't change that bit.
I once had a dream that my mother had died and I woke up sobbing and had to call her, just to make sure she was okay. Those types of dreams are scary, and even worse when they come true...
very good write!
beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Oh ya!!! Gud look 4 the contest!!!!
both of em!!!!beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I thought this was superb. It was really really captivating. I loved the style u used.
its a good read. Contains good flow. the description really impressed me alot.
i love the detail and the entire idea.......
alll in alll!!! i am glad to have read this......
thnx for sharing
CHEERS!!!beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I like your idea, it does seem like a bit of a horrible dream doesn't it
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Well done
My only problem with this was when you used quotes for normal and normally. I think that you should use normal once...without the quotes...and then use another word in place of normally.
The emotions in this piece are fine. I liked how you ended this...it made me linger on for a second, bathing in your reality's nightmare come true.
I have lost people dear to me. I think that everyone has. I also think that you caught hold of that very well. So, good job.
Good luck in the contest. -
wow, this is very well done... everyone can identify with this who has lost someone. hearing the news is terrible... it's like you can't belive what you are hearing, that you must deny it, and you are in too much shock to even feel pain. seeing as five people i know have died since this february, i can relate all too well. very effective.
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Welcome!!
Welcome to storywrite and thank you for joining in the new members contest. I can relate, far too often in my life. It does indeed seem unreal and we have such unusual questions running through the mind and asking things like what hospital, I know they have to be ok right? Especially in sudden unexpected deaths. Well done capturing the feelings here! Best of luck in this and all of your endeavors. 
Hetohke'e 
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Welcome to StoryWrite.
One thing before I forget. For the StoryWrite New Member's Contest--Click edit in the right hand margin and go to the field that is for categories and remove the "adult" category. On the site, adult indicates that it can not be viewed by those under 15. The contest stipulates a "G" rating so adult writes are not allowed in this particular contest. I don't see anything in your story that is NOT "G-rated" so the story itself meets the criteria
This is definately a touching story. I didn't notice any typos, but you might want to consider adding a few paragraph breaks just so the eyes dont get lost. For instance, it would help visually if this part were in its own paragraph
"You need to come up to work, because something has happened," she says. What? I ask over and over, but she says I just need to come to work.
Sometimes, just allowing dialogue to have it's own paragraph apart from the other text in enough to break up the blocks and create a bit clearer picture.
Overall, I think you do a great job giving the reader the "feel" of the situation. When I lost my dad I remember the same "dream like" feeling.
Well done, and best of luck in the contest.
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Thanks for entering and goodluck
Lady Madeline. -
Oh, that was really neat! I haven't read the dream= reality concept.. That was very creative of you indeed. Great work.
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Tragic
By saying that it was a dream, I kept hoping that it would work out okay. Very sad that it wasn't a dream. Much success in the contest.
Andy
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Wow this was good and full of great words and emotion. I am sorry for your mothers passing of this took place and occured.
One thing you could do to improve this, Making it in seperate paragraphs and not just one big blob like you have it. Space it all out.
Otherwise this was great, the wording and flow was in place and had a great impact on the reader.
Again hope all is good and okay, and goodluck in the contest.
Ebb.
P.s if there is something you want to tell the reader pop it in the Authors Note at the end of the page k?
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