She breathed heavily as she stared into his cold eyes, trying to read him. He wasn't like other men. He was unreadable. She jumped toward him, only to be pulled back down by the chains that held her bound to the floor. "How dare you!" She screamed at him. He only smiled and came closer to her, moving his hand along her cheek.
The woman snapped, hoping her teeth would make contact with flesh. He pulled back before she could reach him. He had taken her clothes from her, leaving her naked, cold and soiled. For three days he had chained her here, giving her little water and even less food.
A tear fell from her blue eyes. She brushed back her dirty brown hair and fell the pull of tangles against her fingers. Her nails held dirt and blood under them from her clawing at the carpet and wall. Her wrist and ankles were red from the chain rubbing against them in her futile attempts to escape.
~~~~~~~~
Jason stared into Lisha's blue eyes, his own green ones glistening. "I must leave, my doll," He muttered, smiling sweetly to his new play-toy. He loved to watch the reactions she made to him. The fear that filled her eyes when he neared her and the relief that flooded from her when he left. He could almost hear her heart pounding as he watched her. "Wait for me," He laughed, leaving her alone again and remembering their first meeting.
*Lisha strolled down the street, chatting idly with her best friend, Mally. Jason watched the two from the slowly darkening side roads. His bright eyes were focused on Lisha, watching the swing of her hips and the bouncing of her curls in her hair. Her skin was tan and looked smooth. He licked his lips, dieing for a taste of her skin.
"Bye! See you tomorrow!" Mally laughed, running to her house and waving to Lisha. The young woman began walking along the streets again, heading for home. Jason smiled and made his move, capturing the girl.*
~~~~~~~~~
After his job, Jason headed home. Outside his door, his heart skipped a beat. He could hear her inside, moving closer to the wall. Was he falling in love with her? No, he couldn't be. Yet, he yearned for her love. Jason knew what he had to do. He had to get rid of her before things got worse.
Shutting the door behind him, he turned to his slave. "Sorry dear. Things are not working out." He said gently, moving toward her. She backed away and fear filled those blue eyes again. He pulled a knife from his pants and sat beside her. She lashed out, then retreated once her hands made contact. She had actually hit him. He put the knife to her throat, a tear falling from his eyes as he watched her struggle. He did love her. The knife cut, parting her skin and letting her life drain out. She fell, eyes greying and dimming. Jason sighed. This wasn't his week.
Author notes
Alright, this is actually pretty good. ** is the past ^.^
- The Literary Oscars group list • next in list
A contest entry
- C-L-I-C-K by travis34dietC.
100 points, ended June 13, 2007, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Watev!! by asthray.heart.
1100 points, ended June 20, 2007, 56 entries
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150 points, ended August 13, 2007, 13 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - He's A Little Tied Up Right Now... by MessOfADreamer.
350 points, ended September 3, 2007, 6 entries
Bronze trophy winner
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445 points, ended September 2, 2007, 65 entries
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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Your writting style shows much promise, but this story is way too stereo-typical. Seriously, if I had a penny for every story like this I had ever read, I would have a few hundred dollars, at least... You should definintly keep up the good work, maybe try a plot not so overused. Good luck in the contest.
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this is really awesome! it rocks!
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Good story. I like the way you describe the scene and set it up. I wish you luck in the contest.
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This sounds a lot like something from a Kay Hooper book. (One of my favorite writers.) It's a good set up, and I think you could continue this and make more chapters. Make him a serial Killer. I don't think it would take away from the story.
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I've actually read this before...I like it. I'm not sure why the flashback is there, or what it adds to the story, but I think your setup is interesting.
I would love to see this more developed, to be able to understand the characters more...it feels like we, as the readers, do or should already know something about them, have something of a grasp for who they are.
Good job, though, and thanks for entering!
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This is really dark , I love it.
sometimes I like to see the prisioner excape , but it is not always nessesary ,for short stories yu have a way of gripping the reader with what you write. Keep it up.
I wonder if there is a way you rewrite this peice with her excapeing , and what jason would do for messing up and looseing her ?
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Poor Jason. This was creepy and pretty dark. I really enjoyed it. I always tell people to expand short stories that I like but this one is good all on it's own. In fact I think expanding this would only take away from it. Great read. Good luck in the contest.
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Great begining. it really pulled me in and want to read more. gross, the way be discibe her as a "play-toy" it really shows how sick that guys is. the ending was so well writen. Good job. creepy tho i must say.
your writing was very good and disciptive. i liked the story as well. great job and everything. jeeze, i got chills! it was so scary.o and when he killed her! it was so...idk. good job and keepit up!!
--greeneyes
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Wow!
This was really good!beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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thanks ^.^
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A few spelling mistakes "dieing" should be "dying" for example. You should also have an adult tag on this since there's nudity.
If this is a series I'd like to see where it goes. I'm not sure why it's so short. You could do a lot with this piece. What's his motivation? What is it that suddenly makes him think it's "not going to work out?" what drives him to kill? has he before? I would be interested in seeing this continued. -
wow. very chilling. kind of gets under ur skin. i dont think i could ever kill the one i loved, but im just old fashioned i guess.
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I think this is a very good outline for a story, but it needs to be extended alot. There should be more details, how and why he captured her, when he began to realise he was falling in love with her, why he loved her, ect. Also, i dont think you should seperate the scenes with ---. The flow will come naturally. You should, however, seperate the scene that is in the past. That could be done with the ---'s if you want. Also, in the beginning the characters are anonymous, then you jump right into their names. I think if the beginning is being told by the woman's view, you should use her name, although not Jason's if she does not know who her captor is. And also, in the past scene, how does Jason know her name and her best friends name? Had he been stalking her, or did he overhear a conversation that night? I think this story has alot of potention, but defiantely needs to be extended. The plot idea is awesome, but the execution of the story needs to be improved. Overall though, great idea!
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Hmm. Not Bad
ummm...wow. This was very interesting. It seemed to lack detail in some areas but it's not a bad write. -
.....ok. i like it but it is creepy.
Keep it up! -
I always wondered about the mentality that could drive somebody to kill the person they loved, or thought they were falling in love with. Its kind of scary.
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Hehe ^.^
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O.M.G.... Emiko, this is just
It scares me, but i have to ask, where did you find the inspiration to write this?
And why are they always called Jason? I happen to like this name
But yes.. some men are sickos.. some would do that - I heard enough from my mom's shows (she likes this cable channel in our country, called crime and suspense, where there is this murder scene investigation thing with really gruesome and disgusting stories about how people kill others. But I noticed men did more stalking
call me sick or what, but I.. want you to elaborate on this.. >_> what he did, how he stalked her more, I dunno, you are the god of this world and this is your story! so if you add, tell tell tell me, ok?
Nice little piece.. may we all be safe from men like Jason
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Thanks, I will let you know when there is more, right now I have no Muse to write, but it will return. I love the name Jason, so that was his name lol. Thanks a lot for the comment ^.^
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This was a great write, good descriptions when describing her being chained and all.
Thanks a bunch for entering and keep it all up. Good luck.
Lady Madeline.
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Thank you ^.^
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Wow, this was creepy and original, and a really good write. You are excellent with descriptions and you know how to keep the story flowing. Balancing those two is one of the most important things in writing, and you did it quite well
The ending was so powerful and twisted, send shivers in my spine.
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Thank you very much ^.^
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oh. woah. creepy. in a good way
Jason's a great character! he's interesting.. crazy, and yet you can see he's still human because he loves Lisha. but then it seems he needs to kill his weakness..
more detail would be great! i'd love to know more about this Jason guy. had he known Lisha for years, days, or had he just seen her once before he kidnapped her? maybe you could write another story explaining all this. i'd love to know what his childhood was like!
anyway, this was good! interesting and original
thanks for entering and good luck! -
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Thank you very much! ^.^
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awww, it ended! this is really good! i would like to know how he caught her and what he did those initial three days. what is this based on? it is really good
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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-giggles- Well, I had a roleplay once where my character was chained to the floor by a guy, but she loved him and he teased her. I kind of based it off of that. But, I may do a little story about how he caught her and what happened during the three days. I have to do a little more thinking on it, though ^.^
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woohoo!! go go! (...i sounded like soda there for a second) i cant wait. you'll think of something reeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaallllllllyyy good !
LJ
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^.^
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