Out on the streets with a friend
A shot in the dark makes life end
A tragic loss the papers say
It does not change what happened today
A missing life, a discarded soul
what could of been is an empty hole
What remains are memories that glow
and endless tears that continue to flow
A contest entry
- Short Poetry by Bitter Irony.
165 points, ended June 15, 2007, 26 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Rhyme me some tears! by Midnightmare.
225 points, ended July 6, 2007, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Just Come and Take a Look by LadyLionnir.
500 points, ended July 18, 2007, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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An easy read but with deep meaning
I don’t know what the rules for the contest were, but you certainly told a gripping story in a few short lines. I’m not very good at judging poetry, but the flow of this work is smooth, the meaning clear and the emotional content a heart-wrenching theme. If anything, I would like to see it expanded upon.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 5.
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i liked this... good flow and not forced with your rhyming. i thought it was great although the ending leaves a lot to be desired... it just didnt really make sense or fit. i'm also not sure what this means:
"what could of been is an empty hole"...?
i mean, it does make sense in a weird way but i think it was a little forced. and also in that same line it should be "what could HAVE been.." instead of "what could of"... lol
thanks for entering... good luck.
(oh and you forgot to put something in your author's notes. cough read the rules cough)
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Oh my goodness, this is so sad. You took one of the worlds most common and yet always maddening problems and turned it into a master piece of your own. Incredible flow...good job. Thank you for entering and good luck!
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Hmm, it was all great until the last line.. it seemed force and broke up to the flow. At least in my opinion. Other than that good work.
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This was a very good, and short write.
You did very well with the emotions.
Good job. -
very powerful write for seven lines
Your last two lines really got me here.. first 5 were good, but it wouldn't have been the same if you hadn't knocked me back with those last 2.
What could have been is an empty hole is sooooo goood! -
Wonderful imagery of a drive by shooting if this is what occured. Great words and depth of emotion.
Lady Madeline. -
Nice story told; however, I'm confused as to why all your lines have periods at the end, even the sentence fragments. You might want to look this over again and rethink some of the punctuation.
Good luck in the contest, and thanks for entering!beginning: 1, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 1, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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short poetry filled poetry words emotions images. this ain't short its tooooo expresssive
yay well done
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