I Love You...

Silent sobs were heard throughout the small occupied section of the graveyard. The preacher was reading off a small black book, but I wasn’t listening to what he was talking about. It was something about being a child of God and having his precious life taken away so that he could live a better life in Heaven and other big words that seemed unimportant to me. His words were transferred to the back of my mind where they were unimportant and meaningless. Memories of Ryan filled my subconscious mind. I became one of the silent ones sobbing because of the death. My thoughts were broken when Stephanie nudged me because the preacher asked everyone to stand and say a prayer. I stood up and looked around, not bothering to say a prayer I knew wouldn’t reach its destination. I didn’t believe in God, so I didn’t send a message to this awesome afterlife that sounds so ‘exciting.’

At last, the funeral was dismissed. Walking slowly away from the coffin, I saw Ryan’s mother. She must have been in so much pain, losing her husband and her son. Friends of Ryan were there too; they set flowers into his casket and walked away. As everyone left, my best friend, Stephanie, and I stayed behind. We watched as the pallbearers buried what was left of Ryan. “So he’s gone…” I whispered as even the pallbearers and preacher left.
“Yeah…” Stephanie whispered back.
I only met him a year ago, yet here I am crying over his death. Stephanie put her arms around me and sobbed quietly with me. It happened so unexpectedly, and the impact of it was like a ton of bricks crushing my heart. It was said that he went to a party, got roaring drunk, and got hit by a speeding car. I sighed in disappointment. “He’s underage…yet he got drunk and got himself killed.” I couldn’t understand why I was crying over this boy that seemed to have hated me. He was my biggest rival of all time, and I hated coming second to him. I remember his black eyes, his long black hair, and his artistic hands that drew so well.
“Stephanie…thanks for coming here with me.” I said, looking up at her and smiling. A cold wind swept across the graveyard and my wavy brown hair danced like a gust being blown over a wheat field. She hugged me tighter.
“Sam, I know how much you loved him. And I know how much this is hurting you, so I want to be here for you.” She then let go of me, yet her warm comfort was still with me. We were sitting over his freshly dug grave. On his gravestone, it read:

Ryan Yu.
Beloved Friend.
1994-2007.
Unforgotten.

I touched his name, hoping to send a message to the so called heavens above. “I still love you…” I whispered, closing my eyes and allowing the tears to run down my red face.
“Come Sam, the sun is setting; let’s go.” Stephanie said softly, stopping the flashbacks from playing in my head.
Though we’d been there for hours since the funeral ended, it felt like a few minutes, it felt like it wasn’t long enough, but I gave in.
“Yeah,” I said, standing up. I could never forget this day. His soft laughter echoed in my head, as did his voice telling the same thing over and over again.

All my life, I held in all my anger, all my pain and all my sadness, never able to let them show in front of others for I knew that I would be ridiculed. But when it came to Ryan, I couldn’t ever hold it in. Every time I cried in front of him, he told me, “Stupid. Wipe your tears and hold your head high. Don’t make yourself vulnerable to the world.” When I would cry even harder, he used to say, “Fine then, I’ll cry too.” He then scrunched up his face as an attempt to make me stop and it made me laugh every time.

As Stephanie and I walked down the cold, windy street, I slowed my pace and cried harder. She noticed right away just as I thought she would. I looked down, not wanting her to see me like this, though I didn’t bother to get rid of the tears that streaked my face with pain. She stepped in front of me and pulled up my chin, forcing me to look directly into her amber eyes. “Hey. Wipe your tears and hold your head high. Stop making yourself vulnerable to the world. Understand?” She smiled, and so did I. Her words gave me inspiration and taught me a solid lesson. I realized that I couldn’t let the past get the best of me, because then my future would be gone. When I had emotional breakdowns, I was telling the world I wasn’t strong enough for anything. But when I held my head high, and strutted with passion and strength, I showed the world I was ready to take on anything, and I won’t ever back down. “Thanks Stephanie, for never allowing me to lose hope.” I said, smiling a smile that said more than all the words I could’ve said.

That night, I wrote a letter addressed to Ryan Yu expressing all of the things I couldn’t tell him when I had him here. I expressed every little feeling I ever had in his presence and how much I loved every waking moment spent with him. The letter ended like so:

You taught me not to be vulnerable to the world, and I promise to you that I won’t be. Though I may have seemed so very weak while I was with you, I’m much stronger now, because I know that you’ll always be my inspiration to try harder. I’ll never forget the day you told me, ‘One of the rules of being a lone fighter is to never show any emotion while on this mission.’ Life is the mission, and we are fighting through it, trying so hard to accomplish this mission. ‘Never show too much emotion, for then your enemies will have you figured out.’ I don’t understand Ryan, how do I know who my enemy is and who isn’t? Tell you what, when I die, we’ll catch up to all the lost memories of our past, because even though the past slows us down, it is what makes up our identity, it shows where we’ve been, and who we’ve known. I love you Ryan, and I want you to know that no matter what, you will always be the one who gave me faith through the confusions of this mission we call life.

Very Truly Yours,
Samantha Madison.

I folded it up and walked out of my house. It was quite windy; the weather was perfect. I kissed the folded letter, which held so much of my heart in it, and let it fly off into the dark skies, where it disappeared within the gloomy clouds. I then got down on my knees and looked towards the moon. “I trust the wind to carry my message to you. If it doesn’t get through, then I’ll just forget all about you, and attempt to get on in my life. If it does, then baby, we’ll go dancing in the rain.” I stood up and walked back inside. I called Stephanie and told her what I’d just done, and she told me she was proud of me. I was proud of myself, though I’d never show it. I went to sleep with a smile on my face. In my dreams, I saw Ryan’s smile, and his bright eyes. Once again his laughter echoed through the dream. I felt his warmth as he held me in his arms, and told me, “I’ll never let go…” But then he did, and his eyes went pale and his smile vanished. His warmth left his body and he was cold as ice. He seemed to be in pain, and he screamed loudly, awaking me from my nightmare. Outside, the sky was pink and purple as the dying sun awoke again. I didn’t know what kind of message to expect, I’ve never spoken to the dead before. I picked up my cell phone and dialed Stephanie’s number, though it was like 5 in the morning. “Hello?” said a weary voice. “Stephanie?”
“Yeah Sam?”
“How am I supposed to know if Ryan got my message or not?”
“Well, anything that makes your heart quiver in excitement should tell you that he got it.” She said, I could tell she was smiling on the other end of the line. I laughed softly. “I’ll keep an eye out.” I said.
“You’ll do well if you do.”
“Sorry to call you up so late,” I apologized; it was 3 in the morning.
“It’s alright Sam. You can call me at anytime, for anything.”
“Thanks for picking up, Steph.”
“I’ll always pick up.”
“Well, I’ll let you go back to sleep now. ‘Night Stephanie.”
“Good night Samantha, see you tomorrow.”
There was a click and the line went dead. I put down the phone and turned on the light and pulled out my diary. I flipped to an empty page, wrote the date and time. Then I wrote:

You made me wipe my tears away,
And gave me confidence,
So that I was able to hold my head up high,
To persevere and surpass all others
Every time you hated me
Every time you smiled at me
Every time you taught me something new
You gave me hope
Your voice gave me strength
Your success gave me confidence.
Your smile gave me happiness.
You gave me self esteem.

I closed my diary and went back to sleep with a calm smile across my face. I had a whole life ahead of me to try my best, and not let my past become my everything. I held his memories oh close to me, and not a day passed when I didn’t think of his smile, his confidence, his effervescence, his spirit. He was the dream that never ended, the dream that I wasn’t supposed to wake up from. My lack of self esteem was the fence that kept me from ever telling him what I thought of him.

When I was at the graveyard, I looked around and saw millions of tombstones, each representing another lost soul. What happened to the ones so dear to the deceased? Did they just give up and sit mourning forever? Or did they move on, still keeping their lovely memory clutched to their heart. They didn’t forget their past, but they didn’t let it affect their future. So what if his sweet smile and shining eyes never leave my subconscious mind? I’m still here standing on my own two feet, standing tall with my head held high and my tears long gone!

I never did find out if he got my message, but I guess that’s life. We can’t always get what we want, but we can still hope. I walked through the hallways of my warm school. Cold winters pass, lovely Springs pass, lonely summers pass, and windy autumns pass after that dreadful funeral, but I’ve never let go of his memory, for in my mind, Ryan Yu still lives.