You broke our family,
you cheated on her,
& you lied to my face.
You hit her,
When she wasn’t even in your way.1
______________________________2
I wish she knew,
that the crimson on my wrist,
was meant for you.3
A contest entry
- Short Poetry by Bitter Irony.
165 points, ended June 15, 2007, 26 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Oh wow. They're so short, but so powerful. Emotional too... keep up the good work and I'll keep reading!
~Kevan!~
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Awesome work *claps*
That's all I can say ^_~
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Ooh. Emotional. I like how it seems full of hate instead of sadness, an interesting twist. Good luck in the contest. Great peice.
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wow...
i really liked this. so much feeling packed into one short poem. really jumps right off the page..great job -
Awesome!
I really enjoy how deep it can get to someone when you don't say many words.
The first poems last two lines basically make that poem. The first 3 lines are setting it up, and then the "You hit her" part ends it with a bang. Good work on that!
Once again, I cannot express how much I love the fact that 14 words can bring out so many emotions and feelings. That is just an awesome job!ending: 5.
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yayyyy ggret work
i love it loads very expressive
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Congratulations, you are one of few entries into the contest who actually understood what I was looking for! I really enjoyed your second poem, it said so much in so few words. I love the last line of your first poem, but it still seems to lack a conclusion. Good luck in teh contest, and thanks for entering!
beginning: 2, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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*hugs you* I'm worried about you.
I'm me later and let me know if you're okay...or at least so I know you're not dead. x.x
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Powerful, powerful..
Emotion packed.. my stomach is churning.
s Gabysis
Now you got me all worried
I wish I was here hours earlier, instead of lying in bed having nightmares
I don't know why some people would do that (first poem).. and as for the second one, sometimes, I wish I could make the other person feel my own pain
Please be alright
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Short but amazing poems. Keep up the good work!
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This is a very powerful poem. the emotions are extremely vivid. i think you should change the & to 'and' that way you don't take away from what you're saying.
plus i'd put the "you hit her and the line that follows into it's own stanza to add emphasis to it.
Great work.
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Wow. ._.
Gaby is this serious? (you can msg me of you want)
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