In Verona where we first met,
Where everything is mist and grey,
Feuds families won't soon forget,
Sets the scene for our play
Within the shadowed night.
But it's all just black and white
On the streets of Grey Verona.
But night won't last forever,
And soon the light shines down,
Although our scheme was clever,
It can't hide us from the town.
And the penetrating sight
That sees only black and white,
On the streets of Grey Verona.
A single kiss upon your lips,
A last caress of that fair cheek,
Dark is an eternal eclipse;
We finally get what we seek.
Black and white is gone and dead,
For now the town sees only red
-On the streets of Grey Verona.
Author notes
.. I was reading Romeo and Juliet and .. well, there ya go.
A contest entry
- Publishable Poems? by Bitter Irony.
300 points, ended July 2, 2007, 42 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Perhaps...perhaps, in the second verse, you could say instead of "That sees only IN black and white," just "That sees only black and white." I think that makes it rhyme a little better. I could be wrong, though. There, I found a way to give you some feedback on something!
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Done and done. ty!
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Very sweet, and I love the allusion.
Your first stanza pretends to be a sentence, but it's only a prepositional phrase. What were you trying to say there? Setting the scene is fine, but make sure you include a verb!
I'm questioning the use of the word "foggy"--it seems out of place with the otherwise romantic and almost Shakespearian language.
"And we must wait until sunset" Why?
Your next two stanzas are much improved (compared to the first). I love the repetition, with the slight variation at the end. I also like your rhyme scheme: new and original. At least, I haven't seen it before!
My verdict: publishable. Just put a little bit of work into the first stanza.
Thanks for entering the contest!beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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Okay.. I think that's the final edit for this ya think?
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i liked it...especially the way you played it into to colours. i also like the theme..romeo and juliet
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Reading Romeo and Juliet imspired you to to do poetry? I like the poem. It gave me the ideas of colors in the scenery. Interesting. What does it means by black and white? What does it means that the town only sees red? Red symolizes love?
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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i have been a poet for 4 years and that was good. i like it.
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