Dear Brother;1
Greetings and salutations from the upper-most echelons! Just dropping you a note to let you know that I am thinking of you, and that, though it is my name on your execution order, it is with the deepest regrets that I see you going to your death with the first light of dawn tomorrow. I find it a grievous necessity of life as an evil overlord that I was forced to make this difficult choice, and it is in the nature of some form of reconciliation that I have decided to write this letter to you, dearest kindred.2
First and foremost, I feel that I must reassure you that none of this is personal, and that in no way are you being singled out from amongst my other minions and underlings. You are but one casualty of the grand reordering that is taking place in light of my usurpation of your throne. If you consider it, dear brother, I’m sure even you can see the logic of my choice; how many dark lords have been overthrown by the brother, half-brother, or second cousin thrice removed that they forgot in the dank cells of their dungeon after all? Were you evil, it would be a different story; I’d be killing you to keep you from usurping my throne then, but really, the difference between the two is so small that it is hardly worth mentioning. 3
Despite the lack of wisdom in putting down all my plans on paper, to reassure you that there is indeed, nothing personal about your upcoming execution, I have decided to briefly outline my plan for you. In light of this kindness, I’m sure that, upon reading this letter, you will surrender it to my trusted lieutenant – he’ll be the one delivering it – so that it can be destroyed. Really I think I am being very lenient here, and in light of my kindness, I do hope that you will cooperate and not try to make things difficult for me. It is, I must remind you again, brother dear, with the greatest regrets that I set this soon to be very large rift between us.4
To begin with, I feel that I must assure you that you are not the only one that will be suffering the pains of execution under my new rule. To make things perfectly fair, I have decided to put to death all of the barons, knights, lords, counts, jesters, and minor gentry that have served under you in the years of your reign. To prevent their orphaned families from growing strong and forming the core of the rebellion against me, all minor and major relations to said people will likewise be put to death. My reasoning behind this is simple, and I’m sure that you can see the logic in it, for those that served you faithfully will never serve me, and only work secretly against me, leading to my eventual overthrow, while those that betrayed you must likewise be put to death, for, after all, they did betray you, and with a track record like that, can they be trusted? I don’t think so.5
Also accompanying you to the gallows (by the way, would you prefer to be hung or beheaded? Either way a quartering and incineration will follow – just to be sure – but I think that in this at least, you should have some say. Please notify my lieutenant as to your preferences.) Where was I? Right: Also accompanying you to the gallows will be each and every young and quarrelling couple that I can find in my recently acquired domain; it is always the quarrelling ones that wind up giving you trouble, happy newly weds deeply in love will be left entirely alone, or if not, then assurances will be made that they are both killed, and that one is not left to come back and avenge their fallen lover later in life. Anyways, I’m getting off topic, you won’t be lonely anyways, and in addition to those already listed, each jester, foolish sidekick, half-wit farmer, talentless bard, and other manifestations of comic relief will be executed with all the rest. My reasoning behind this is simple, without a member of their party to occasionally lighten the mood, depression and boredom will surely break up any organized force that might come to assail me. So there you have it, you see? You are not being singled out at all.6
Furthermore, while they may provide an interesting atmosphere in my fortresses, all of the haunting spirits that result from these executions will be exorcized immediately. I have done extensive studies on such phenomena in the domains of other Dark Lords, and while such beings do add a mystique to the dungeons and dark spaces they haunt, they seem to have an alarming tendency to divulge critical information on routes through the palace, secret passages, and my one true weakness. This is unacceptable; thus, while I certainly do not want to infringe upon your rights once you are dead, I must ask that you not come back to haunt me. It won’t work anyways, I am a Dark Lord, feeling guilt is not one of my strong points… 7
Now though, I feel that I have rambled on too much about death. You are about to die, after all, and I think that hearing nothing but talk of that execution must be deeply depressing, so lets move on to lighter topics shall we? I have some exciting news concerning the training and maintenance of my legions of terror. New regimens of training have been instilled, and now, any soldier unable to hit a target at ten paces is being subsequently used for target practice. I’ve also decided to teach them to recognize the difference between a rock thrown to distract them and an actual threatening noise, and that, since men with eyes in the back of their heads are painfully scarce (and creepy) it makes little sense to back down a corridor when they hear a noise… Likewise, they will be taught to call for backup when they do hear a noise, or when their patrol partner mysteriously disappears.8
In light of the dungeon breaks that so many other evil overlords have experienced, I have also decided to institute a strict policy amidst the guards. The rules are simple, sleeping on the job will be punished with death, instead, break rooms will be provided and those feeling sleepy can call in someone else, clock out, and come back to finish their shift when they are well rested. Also, accepting food from any source other than the soldiers’ mess will result in execution, as will sneaking women into the dungeons, and talking to the prisoners. When captives do claim illness, a medical team will be summoned, and any guard caught opening the cell door without a trauma squad and ten guard back-up unit will be summarily executed; this rule stands whether the prisoner is a master swordsman or merely a helpless damsel in distress. No members of the same party will be kept in the same cell block, let alone the same cell, and all pipes, ventilation shafts, and other conductive materials will be removed from said cells, they provide too much opportunity for communication through Morse code9
Also, it might interest you to know that I am having the uniforms of my minions redesigned. These uniforms will be tailored to each man, making it impossible for my organization to be infiltrated through stealing said uniforms, they will be in bright and cheerful colors (to throw off my enemies) and they will not in any ways emulated the garb of roman soldiers, Mongol hordes, or the uniforms previously employed by your militia; all were eventually defeated anyways, and it makes little sense to start things off on such a negative foot. All body armor will be vigorously tested and combat certified, and any faceplates will be made of clear Plexiglas. 10
My wardrobe has undergone likewise revision, and, while certain atmosphere has been lost, there will be no more of those embarrassing moments where, in the midst of my escape, my cape, cloak, or other flowing garments, are caught in doors, on loose nails, under my own feet, or under the feet of the pursuing hero. As I said, this does take something away from my aura, but then, aura’s can be easily repaired, slit throats cannot.11
Brother, it has come to my attention that, while you were by no means a despot, dark lord, or evil overlord, secret sorcerer, or fascist dictator, that the equality issues in your kingdom have become somewhat overlooked in the time of your reign. I am pleased to inform you that as one of my first acts as evil fascist overlord despot that I have taken steps to amend this, and that equal treatment shall be encouraged throughout all regions of my kingdom, from peasants to the newly appointed board of gentry…12
No minority in my empire is to be unfairly singled out. Such groups have an alarming frequency to form the cores of rebellions. Likewise, equal opportunity employment shall but vigorously pursued. Already, I have acquired a full staff of blind and deaf men… the former shall make excellent soldiers when any pesky heroes decide to put out the lights, while the latter shall make exemplary body guards, allowing me to discuss my secret plans without sending them from the room, thus endangering myself.13
Like humans, it is my belief that each creature of the earth deserves equal and kind treatment. Or at least that is my assumed position on the matter. In any case, all flesh-eating, mutant-creatures-from-who-knows-where that I see fit to ship in and use in my legions of terror will be treated kindly and with respect. It is my hope that, in light of this, when my magical hold on them is inconceivably broken, they will not turn on me, but rather, continue pursuing the hero, who has, by this time, likely taken a couple of stabs at them.14
The use of the word inconceivable has reminded me of another policy that I have adopted in wake of my assumption of the throne. That word will henceforth be banned from my vocabulary, and under no conditions will it be used when I am facing an unexpected defeat. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this or not, but death is usually instantaneous after such utterances. Likewise, I will not ask captured heroes to divulge their plans, nor dispose of them in complicated ways that leave far to many contingencies for them to fall back on, not to mention the time in which to concoct them. Rather, a quick beheading will suffice.15
I will not ignore my trusted lieutenant when he informs me of a flaw in my plan. Nor will I needlessly kill my minions for a failure of which the blame belongs to their superiors… I will not kill messengers, no matter how grim the news they bring me. Also, if I decide to assure myself that all of my mental superiors are gotten rid of, I will refrain from shouting “Why am I surrounded by all these fools?” at the first sign of something going wrong.16
Well now, we have covered many of my policies on my militia, and on the equal cruel treatment to be inflicted on my inferiors and subjects, and we come, dear brother, to the last three bridges that I hoped to cross with you. My policies concerning the security of my fortress, those concerning conflicts with any heroes I might encounter, and my policies concerning marriage and offspring. I’m not sure how much longer you have to read this letter, and so I will try to keep the summary of such topics brief.17
I’m sure you’ll be glad to know that the security flaws that allowed me to take over your throne have been amended since I have taken over the rule. All of the secret passages that you had foolishly forgotten to keep track of have been either closed off or redirected to a fifty-foot drop into a pool of hungry crocodiles. Likewise, ventilation systems have been modified so that all shafts are too small to crawl through, and the grates of said shafts are now firmly affixed with ten inch nails. In the eventuality that prisoners or invaders keep strange little pets capable of maneuvering such obstacles, traps have been set frequently within. Also, I regret to inform you that all of the elaborate work you put into architecture had to be removed. While the statues and nooks lining the corridors were attractive, they allowed too much cover for invaders.18
On a brighter note – it is a clever play on words; read on you’ll see – I have managed to amend the deficient lighting in your halls and corridors. There now remains no shadow for invaders or spies to hide in. Again, this does take somewhat from the evil aura I had hoped to instill in the place, but for the sake of security, proper lighting really was a must. To amend for it, I have allowed the rowdy children of the nearby villages to paint demonic graffiti on my walls. I am told that it is “Very Ghetto” and though I am uncertain about the meaning of some of the words that were used, I think that it turned out well, and that in the process I have improved my relations with the younger generations. 19
While it is my belief that such relations will help me in the future, I regret to inform you of one ill-fated incidence… In an alarming development, one of these youngsters called me “My brother”. Mistaking him for another illegitimate child of our father, and fearing that he might in turn usurp me, I had him immediately executed. It turns out this is some form of slang… Who knew? To prevent future errors of this nature, I have made it mandatory for all individuals below the age of twenty-five to attend grammar school before coming to work for me… To fund this education, I had to raise the taxes, putting me out somewhat with the parents, but after all, I am an evil overlord, and if they expect their economy to flourish, then some sacrifices must be made, damn it!20
In the interest of future security, I have also instituted a policy concerning prisoner interrogation, festivals and celebrations, and other such events. Where such things cannot be avoided, they will be hosted outside of my sanctum. Such events leave way too much room for error on the part of my guards, and while they have improved somewhat, I am not yet ready to trust them wholly to the protection of my fortress. I have contracted a second structure be built several miles down the road for the hosting of such procedures. As it will be used for formal happenings, I have decided to go with a more conservative décor, beige and coffee will go well together, I think, but I’m still on the fence about the white curtains. They are attractive enough certainly, but the whole thing together just seems a little too… you.21
Also, in concerns to personal safety, I have made several other decisions that should stabilize my well-being. All of my consorts shall be thoroughly screened for rebel ties before I allow them into the presence of my being. Those caught fraternizing with the enemy once they have been accepted as my consorts will summarily executed. Also, when I decide to dispense with one of my consorts (Or one of my Lieutenants for that matter) I will not offer their position to someone else when they are present. In addition, rather than cruelly casting them aside, I have decided to give them generous allotments of land and wealth, and thus we can part on good terms, and I don’t have to worry about their hurt feelings coming back to haunt me later on.22
Lastly, on a note of my own, I shall never create important devices in singular number only, but will have a copy for everything of such importance stored in a safety deposit box in some adjoining and unsuspecting kingdom, as well as one in my basement storage. Such devices will be mislabeled and passed of as faulty prototypes. I will not invest great majorities of my power into material objects (specifically; rings, gemstones, jewelry or gold of any sort, weaponry, or fortresses) If such an occurrence is unavoidable, I will make sure that said power is put into something large and difficult to loose or have stolen. Far too many overlords and evil emperors are undone because of the destruction of the above items. Rather I will keep my powers safely kept within myself where they cannot be easily picked up by any random passerby. 23
Now, as security is closely tied into matters of marriage and reproduction, I will move onto that next. I have given a great deal of thought to matrimony and the production of heirs, and, dearest brother, have come up with a few guidelines by which I can constrict myself in order to make wise choices. Firstly, and most importantly perhaps, I have decided not to marry at all, it causes too much of a risk for messy things like alimony, and it really would not do to have half my evil empire turned into an estrogen fest in the divorce settlement. Rather, I think that consorts will suffice, and monetary compensation for each child that is yielded to me given to said women.24
In choosing said consorts – as I’m sure you’ll agree is wise – I will not choose any of the following: Members of the rebellion, captured princesses of adjoining lands, or the sisters of seemingly helpless and callous youths. While the thought of freely choosing my lovers is attractive, it seems to enrage the relatives and friends of said people, and executions get costly when you start going after peasants and foreign rulers. In concerns to the rebel women, they would just try to kill me anyways. Rather, I am certain that there are an equal amount of attractive women who are as driven by greed as I am, so I shall merely take out an ad in the paper.25
In concerns to my children, I will be sure to procure more than one of each gender, that way, the constant attempts of the boys to usurp me will be thwarted by their uncoordinated plans, and the competition of my daughters for the heroes affections will prevent them from doing me any real harm. Nor, if my children betray me, will I treat it as a minor affair, and in the interests of preventing nepotism, I will execute them along with anyone else who sees fit to betray me. Nor, will I make the same mistake as our father, brother dear, in merely naming the eldest the heir and leaving it at that. Rather, I have decided to hold a competition for my affections, and the one who serves me best shall receive my throne, whether they be man or woman (this will help me avoid being called a sexist… so now I’m only an evil, magic-wielding, fascist despot, and most politicians are as bad anyways, so the people will have nothing to complain about) It will also help keep my children from turning to the hero and betraying me, for there is no way that they will succeed me to the throne then. Not to mention they would have their allowance – and other things – immediately cut off.26
So now we come to the hero… and there is certain to be one, and despite my trust in my trusted lieutenant (the title of “Completely trusted” is being withheld until he is dead) I cannot help but fear that in some last attempt to spite me, you will find a way to divulge any plans I have concerning heroes to my enemies. Thus, It is my intention to stop here, and not divulge to you any of my secret plans in concerns to them. It is sufficient to say that in addition to the above measures, I have taken numerous precautions against them, and that, while I am a fair minded individual, I will not hesitate to execute them if necessary. On the opposing hand though, I am willing to offer them free passage into the realms of other dark lords and evil despots, and in the interest of my kingdom and people, I’d be most willing to provide them with the secrets to THOSE evil overlords’ weaknesses and so on. Put that in your speech brother dear.27
Well, well, but time does fly, and I’ve had such a good time speaking to you and enlightening you as to my plans. It really is a shame that I’m going to have to execute you. But as they say, “all is fair in love and war”. By the way, I’ve reconsidered allowing the risk that you will divulge the contents of this letter to your loyalists, so I’ve ordered my lieutenant to wire your jaw shut before we bring you to the gallows. Please be patient and sit still while he works, it is oh so bothersome when people resist.28
Your ever-affectionate Brother,29
Remekail, Lord of the Earth30
P.S. When you come to your execution, could you please bring a list of any bastard children you might have? I don’t want to have to worry about them in addition to the other heroes I’m sure will be assailing me. Thanks, and again, love and kisses!31
P.P.S. Be sure to tell my lieutenant which method of execution you’ve chosen BEFORE he wires your jaw shut, I hate Charades… 32
P.P.P.S The blood red tongue of the demonic serpent painted on my bathroom wall has turned day-glo pink. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted someone named “Tyrone”. Can you recommend a more reputable ghetto-born, demonic snake painting person please?33
P.P.P.P.S – Who are these “They” people that keep coming up with such engaging sayings?34
Based on Peter’s Evil Overlord List: http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html
Author notes
Based on Peter’s Evil Overlord List: http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html
A contest entry
- Twist that Fantasy Cliche! by Bitter Irony.
225 points, ended June 7, 2007, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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You totally deserved the gold trophy. great job of twisting fantasy cliches, there sure were a lot in that letter. " It will also help keep my children from turning to the hero and betraying me, for there is no way that they will succeed me to the throne then. Not to mention they would have their allowance – and other things – immediately cut off."
I couldn't stop laughing when I read that.
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Beautiful! But now I wonder what his brother will try to do...how about writing his execution preference on the back of the letter, and then hoping someone uses it to destroy the overlord?
Anyway, very funny story! Though I still feel sorry for poor brother-dear...
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Very nice!
Yes, as I was reading this I was thinking it sounded familiar. I've gotten a few story ideas of my own from Peter’s Evil Overlord List
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I enjoyed this very much: you've certainly twisted a whole bunch of cliches! Finally, an Evil Overload who's really got it all planned out! This is one of my favorite entries in the contest so far. Good luck!
~Bitter Irony
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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